LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Maryland.
Dear Ask TSJ,
My ex and I broke up but we keep hanging out and sleeping together sometimes and stuff. Have I been friend zoned if we’re sleeping together? I don’t get it.
Here’s the deal Darren in Athens. I’m going to cut this to you hard and fast. It’s gonna hurt, but just for a sec. You ready? Okay.
You’re good in the sack but she’s embarrassed to have you hanging around her friends. She wishes you didn’t put the steak under the sofa when you were done eating it. She likes your childlike enthusiasm but only until her case of giggles get her to your bed. She likes your accent but it bugs her how you can’t spell. She thinks you smell like pumpkins and apple cider vinegar and hamster cages — and you know, like those weird flaky things at the bottom of rodent cages? And it’s oddly sexy, but also off-putting, after the initial rush, and she’s going around vaguely dissatisfied, and maybe it’s you, but probably it’s more about her own potential and her feelings of needing to maximize on it at this time in her life.
You wanna be used for your studly, you’re-no-metrosexual prowess? Then keep dallying w/ your good lady bud.
You want her to hold your hand when you watch Ghost together? You want to slowdance while your corn on the cob roasts on your country grill? Def start dating on the side till you meet your next someone special, who digs you through and through just the way you are.
Still confused? Start a gratitude journal! Number one on your list: You’re so grateful you’re still getting laid.
Good question, and one we hear a lot in and around the Ask TSJ desk.
What you need to understand is that cocks and pussies are naturally inclined to interact. Even though you’ve broken up, your pee pee and her hoo hoo want to what what. You can’t tell a magnet to stop clinging to metal surfaces. You can’t get an AC/DC song to stop being awesome. You can’t stop Winnie the Pooh from getting his head stuck in a jar of honey.
You, sir, are Winnie the Pooh. She is a jar of honey.
Why fight it?
Is someone else offering you honey? Is she spending time with another Pooh bear? Get it while it’s gettin’! Stop trying to label it. The “Friend Zone” would be what you have now, but without anybody coming on anyone else, you know? You’ve been friends with benefits zoned. You’ve won, you idiot, and you don’t even realize it. There’s a gold medal around your neck. Your anthem is playing. Shut the hell up and enjoy the moment. They don’t last.
When she cuts you off for good, write us back. You think you’ve got problems now.