Ask TSJ: Acting Rich to Get Laid

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from a Andie in Maryland.

Dear TSJ,
I’m really hot and I’ve been hanging out with a richer crew than my own, lately. I don’t want them to know I’m from the wrong side of the tracks. How can I act rich without the trust fund?
Thanks,
Andie

MIKE SAYS

Dear Andie,

“Wrong side of the tracks”? Really? Do you live in an S.E. Hinton novel?

All kidding aside (and what’s psychological investigation without a few laughs, amirite?) I can totally empathize with your predicament. I, too, grew up in a neighborhood with families much wealthier than my own. Here’s how you get by: Have sex with everyone. I mean EVERYONE in your crew. Boys, girls, two at a time, the whole deal.

The results of this fornication is two-fold: One, you get you some. And two, post-coital sharing is a great time to gather intelligence on your friends. No one teases, nor ostracizes, the crew member who’s getting all the loving, and has knows where all the bodies are buried.

Good fuck, I mean luck,

Mike

MELISSA SAYS

Yo,

You know what they say: Fake it till you make it, right? It rhymes. It’s gotta be truth.

First, talk the talk. Clothes, the convertible, all that matters, but passing for rich is all about being a dick. Seriously: Many studies have proven that wealthy people lack empathy. So, like, act callous, but with a blank look on your face. What you’re thinking, in a self-hating way: “Poor people make their own trouble.” Make any subject all about you. “I hate the way bums on the street talk to me.” Flip your hair. You’re sooo exasperated.

Here’s some lines to tweet the fuck out of:

  • Everyone judges my chauffeur for driving an SUV and I can’t take it anymore
  • I’m totes quarantined on my yacht until they finish redecorating my loft. Gah!
  • I don’t think my maids have a good work ethic
  • Ugh. I had soooo much cocaine and tail last night. I need a weekend in Monaco to relax
Need more ideas? Go to the pros, get some real talk from our celeb friends:
  • Barbra Streisand: “I want only two houses, rather than seven… I feel like letting go of things.”
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger: ”Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.”
  • Brooke Shields: “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized that I didn’t understand she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.”

Hahahahahhaa. 

Seriously, Andie, and as John Hughes is my witness, it’s better to be a badass than a richie rich dickwad any day.

Love,
Melissa

Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away.
If we use it… your life will improve immediately. 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Ask TSJ: Should I Dump My Rich GF? 
Ask TSJ: The Free Cheat Pass 
Ask TSJ: Groupie Girl Can’t Get Enough 

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