LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from Marijo, in Florida.
I’m 26 years old, I live in Tallahassee, and I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve listened to a bunch of Dan Savage podcasts and I’m feeling pumped and I wanna do some online dating.
What I don’t know, though, is how honest should I be in my dating profile? Like should I say that I’ve dabbled in the crystal meth (everyone’s partied, right). I have this tiny bald circle right behind my left ear — a close call with alopecia, but I’m cool all over the rest of my head. Also, like, I got a bad tattoo once. It’s on my butt, and it’s kind of faded and stretched, so it looks more like a marijuana leaf than a four-leaf clover. And I was never a pothead, so that’s something I hate. And I own this gerbil named John Goodman because he reminded me of John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds.
Anyway, I really want to meet a nice guy who can take me out sometimes. I want to someone to take me to the drive-thru and pay for my trios. I want someone I can go to church with at Easter, someone who’ll buy me a chocolate bunny just because. And I want to make sure they use condoms because people think AIDS is gone away now but it isn’t and I don’t want to get AIDS from having sex for the first time.
Or the second time.
Or any time.
Everything was going fine while I was reading your letter. Dan Savage? Cool. Crystal meth? Whatever, we were all 13 once, right? Alopecia? Aloe vera! Bad tattoo? You and every teenage girl in America who can say “butterfly” after three Smirnoff Ices. You don’t like pot? Great, that means you’re thin. A gerbil named John Goodman? Interesting talking point. Drive-thru, church, safe sex? Yes please, yes please, yes please.
Twenty-six-year-old virgin? WTF!?!
Dating, forget dating. You need to rock on over to the community college during frosh week and get some cock in you. There’s no way you’re ready for a relationship. How can you ask someone to go to church with you when you’ve never asked someone to go down on you? How can you ask someone to take you through the drive-thru before you’ve has someone take you through the drive-thru? As a 26-year-old virgin looking for a relationship, you’re going to fall in love with the first douchebag Gators fan who throws it into you for two minutes and comes on your first date dress, and be sentenced to a lifetime of without orgasms. You deserve better than that guy, MariJo.
So strap on your Fuck-me boots, head out to the Tallahassee CC, and dabble in some strange.
Then, write us back when you’re 27 and we’ll find you a nice boy who will love you and Jesus up real good, every time.
People make a way too big a deal dithering over their rose-scented candles-slash-bubble-bath, picking what color satin sheets to stain with their first-time blood, what have you. What is this, Valentine’s Day on General Hospital?
Satin sheets scenario is probably not in the cards, and would you really want to do it with a satin sheets kind of guy anyway? Who is he, your potential devirginizer? Fabio? Seriously.
So whether or not “Lightning Crashes” is playing when you’re getting it on on the piss stank dorm floor for with a mining engineer at some West Coast Ivy League, say, or whether you’re in Tallahassee making out with Cute_Georgie from OKCupid doesn’t matter. I mean it matters, and yes, condoms. But dude, you gotta take the earnest true love Easter bunnies McDonald’s trio drama down half a notch and start fooling around a bit.
Lady to lady — when I look at pictures of myself at 26 I can’t believe I didn’t know how foxy I was. I was, and I didn’t. So take my advice: Do your 20s right. Dick around.
It’ll be fun.