Actors in pornographic movies are known for their exceptional physical capabilities. But, in the dirty movie known as “nature,” there are animals that could put any porn star to shame.
Here are thirteen critters with exceptional talents that would make them ideal for the sex films (if that idea wasn’t horribly, horribly perverted):
1. Argentine Blue Bill
Why They’re Porn Stars: Penis longer than its entire body.
This cute bird’s corkscrew-like member is preposterously enormous. Even Pinocchio would be jealous of how much this guy is able to grow.
Which makes us wonder: If you have a penis that’s longer than your entire body, how on Earth is a female duck supposed to fit it inside of her?
2. Red-Sided Garter Snake
Why They’re Porn Stars: Gangbanging
This is what is called a “Mating Ball.” When it’s time to mate, a female snake will emit all kinds of sexy smells. All of the male snakes in the area will take this as a signal and swarm her. Then, the hundreds of male snakes all try to mate with the woman at the same time. Kinda of like when a college coed accidentally stumbles into a frat party.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Golden showers
No, we’re not going to show you a picture of giraffe’s peeing on each other. But, the frank fact of the matter is, getting laid for a giraffe involves some freaky stuff. Male giraffes suffer from that universal problem of not being able to tell that exact moment when a female is ready to do the deed. So, in order to find out if the female is horny, the male giraffe will bend it’s comically-long neck down and take a big mouthful of her urine. Apparently, there’s something in the taste that tells a male giraffe the difference between “I’m peeing in your mouth, this is so hot,” and “I hate you so much I just peed in your mouth.”
4. Brown Antechinus
Why They’re Porn Stars: They Can Have Sex For 12 Hours Straight
In a world where human wives are proud if their husband can make it 15 minutes, the Brown Antechinus is a poster child for stamina. Mating season for the little marsupial consists of two weeks of almost non-stop sex, until the male finally collapses and dies. So, it’s pretty much every guy’s dream death.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Enormous clitoris
Yes, we Googled “hyena clitoris.” You’re welcome, we think. Anyway, there’s almost no difference in appearance between a hyena penis and a hyena clitoris. In this case, the man is wayyyy too big for the boat.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Devil’s threeways (two males, one female)
Geese sometimes get gay with each other. Not satisfied with being left out, a female in heat will often wedge herself between two copulating male geese. So, ladies, if you’re struggling to have a baby just wander into the nearest highway rest stop bathroom.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Repeated Ejaculations
The rhino can skeet ten times in a half-hour mating session. Not to mention his head is shaped like a rabbit dildo.
8. White Fronted Parrots
Why They’re Porn Stars: Puking on each other during sex. We forget what that’s called, and we refuse to look it up.
Parrots kiss before mating. That would be totally adorable, if they didn’t follow up the kissing by vomiting all over each other, then making love in the sticky vomit pile. We can’t find evidence, but we’re pretty sure that all of these parrots know how to say a bunch of girly Japanese words, too.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Facials
Cichlid fish have a dirty, sexy way to mate: the male ejaculates into the female’s mouth. What’s weird is how unnecessary this is. Cichlids can just lay their eggs on the ground and the male can come along and fertilize them. This has been observed in nature. Why the female feels the need to incorporate a money-shot-to-the-mouth isn’t clear. We hope there’s a lot of funding going to scientists who study load-blowing all day.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Double penetration
Every single time a female echidna mates, she gets DP’ed. This is because the male echidna’s penis is a beastly, four-headed hydra. Each time he copulates, the echidna chooses two of his tips and sticks them in. You know nature got ridiculous when you have two superfluous penises each time you mate.
11. Sea Hare
Why They’re Porn Stars: Daisy chaining
Sea Hares have sex organs at both sides of their body. One set of organs is male, the other female. This means that sea hares can mate in a giant chain of squiggly sea goodness. We’d also like to apologize to everyone who mistakenly stumbled onto this site while searching for sea hare porn. Sorry, you freaks.
12. Fruit Fly
Why They’re Porn Stars: Enormous balls
It’s appropriate that this fly likes to infect fruit, because it’s got a pair of balls the size of cantaloupes. Literally 10% of the male fruit fly is made of testicles. And those stones do their work: the male fruit fly produces sperm that are two inches long, about 500% bigger than it’s own body. Next time a fruit fly lands on you, keep in mind that you just got hit by a pair of balls.
Why They’re Porn Stars: Scatophilia
When a male hippo feels like attracting a mate, it poops. Rather than act embarrassed, the male rhino plays it off like that was what it totally meant to do. It whirls its tail around the poopy mess, flinging rhino dung everywhere and, ideally, on a mate. What can we say? Some guys have all the game.
We hope you took from this article the same thing that we did: a horrific sense of shame for the entire kingdom of nature. Hey, now you can take one of those “see n’ say” children’s toys and turn it into the most disgusting sex game ever.