Birds do it. Bees do it. And sometimes they do it freakily. Animals are weird when it comes to sex. From the praying mantis who bites off her lover’s head while they’re still going at it to the porcupine lovers who refuse to let a full set of quills come between them, animal kingdom mating is a mysterious, awesome and sometimes deeply disturbing thing.
Enjoy these wild moments from the video library of strange animal sex scenes.
Slow Loris Lovemaking
Slow loris sex is the slow-mo alternative to fast-and-furious lovemaking. All these hot-for-each-other lorises need is a wood bench and a chance to climb all over one another. While the female undertakes the Climbing the Bench position, the male goes at her in the I’ll Crawl All Over You stance.
In the end, it looks sort of furtive and hopeless, but after the video ended they shared a cigarette and everything was cool.
Albino porcupine sex: How does it work? If you spent one too many late nights trying to puzzle that one out, this video illuminates all. First, the male porcupine does a little preliminary sniffing. Then, as if to say, “Let’s do it,” the male porcupine slaps his feet.
Finally, the male porcupine makes a dash for it, and carefully resting his paws against the female porcupine’s menacing spikes, humps away. Twenty seconds later, he’s done. When you’re that prickly, the sex can’t last long.
You know what’s hot? Several thousand snakes erotically entwined. Unless, of course, you’re a female garter snake, in which case you can’t leave the snake cave without getting hit up for bumping scales by at least a dozen dude garter snakes. It’s like the snake scene in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” remade as a pornographic film starring limbless swingers in a “mating ball.”
Relatedly, female garter snakes can store sperm for years. Now you know.
The Cannibal Seductress
You check out a girl, but your buddy knows her. “She’s a praying mantis, bro!” he tells you. This means that if you are having sex, there’s a good possibility that after you climax, she is going to bite off your head or eat your face. And you might not even be dead yet. And you might still be having sex. And there you will be, having your face eaten off while you’re trying to nut, and she’s gone all cannibal on you.
When Monkey Met Doggy
You meet someone. You joke around. You get to know each other. Then things get a little spicy. Something is in the air. Could it be pheromones? You’re feeling it, but is the object of your affection feeling it, too?
There’s only one way to find out. Swing from a branch until you land squarely on your lover. Sadly, some relationships are not meant to be.
The antechinus mouse, hailing from Australia and Tasmania, is a marsupial who could have inspired Rick James’ “Super Freak.” During mating season, which lasts a mere few days, this shrew-like animal goes wild, mating with every female “in the neighborhood.” Like Nicolas Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas,” this little guy doesn’t know when to quit, and — his fur matted, his eyes bleary, his genitals taxed — he eventually dies from too much coitus.
Bull Is Doing It Wrong
It’s important that bulls find the takeaway here. What can we learn? Buy her a drink first? Don’t do that in the snow? Leave doggy-style to the dogs?
Whatever the message is, this is most assuredly a bovine sex fail.
You Are a Parasite
Find a lump on the body of a female angler fish, and you may be looking at what used to be her mate. Significantly smaller than its female counterpart, the male angler fish attaches itself to the female — where it is absorbed into her body. There it remains, dangling like a forgotten conjoined twin, for the female to drain the seed from it when she is ready.
This sort of thing makes one never want to have sex again.
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