Trojan’s Fire & Ice condoms are the latest tricked-out rubbers to hit drugstore shelves, and to promote them, the popular condom-maker paid a firm to compile statistics on the impact temperature and weather have on the sexual activity of Americans. (We suspect the folks over at Trojan also clued in to the fact that people actually find the thought of fiery-hot and icy-cold sensations in their nether-regions pretty unappealing.)

So extensive market research was done and the end result is a 47-page report called “Degrees of Pleasure” that reveals such unexpected facts as: Most people prefer to have sex in 70-degree temps rather than in extremely hot or cold conditions. Well thank you, Captain Obvious. We did find it interesting that one percent of survey participants said they consider a tornado to be the best time to do the nasty outdoors. It’s a small number, but that there is even one person who thinks an encroaching funnel of doom is the ideal time to head outside for some naughty boot knockin’ only proves that there will always be candidates for the Darwin Awards.

In any event, we think the copious sex-weather trivia is just a decoy to mask the real purpose of the study, which is to convince people that they are in fact, absolutely wild about feeling opposing temperatures in their crotch during sex. The survey results conveniently include several statistics supporting the notion that scads of people think warming, tingling sensations during intercourse are totally awesome. We find this claim suspect since everyone we’ve talked to said they would find that scenario a bit alarming, but we didn’t spend loads of money on a fancy scientific survey, so what do we know? Sting and Chafe condoms are probably just around the corner.