American Threat Alert: Canadians are the New Mexicans

LAST WEEK, THE WONDERFUL TRAVELING COMEDY REVIEW THAT IS THE GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE RACE STOPPED IN MESA, ARIZONA, FOR WHAT MAY BE ITS LAST DEBATE. Arizona, well known for its arid climate, retirement communities, and hatred of foreigners, provided an intriguing backdrop for Gov. Mitt Romney, Sen. Rick Santorum, Rep. Ron Paul, and deranged old man in a purple tie named Newt.

Just south of Mesa is Mexico, and the border between the United States and the place Americans vacation in. The border has become a tempestuous issue in the Grand Canyon State, culminating in the passing of controversial legislation in 2010, Arizona SB 1070, which gives authorities the right to demand to see ID from anyone they believe to be an alien, and includes large penalties for those who house or employ aliens. Illegal immigrants pour over the border by the thousands, anxious to take advantage of Arizona’s racial intolerance, dry heat, and catch the Phoenix Coyotes in their drive to the NHL playoffs.

During the debate, the four candidates had differing opinions on how to quell the alien attack. Mr. Paul suggested that Americans be allowed to shoot aliens trespassing on their land. Mr. Romney applauded the E-Verify system, which allows employers to validate the identification of employees and which Romney no doubt owns through an offshore shell corporation.

Mr. Santorum, whose name, it should be noted, is an anagram for ‘a scrotum rink’, seemed to argue that police officers should form posses and track down aliens in order to detain them until it can be determined whether or not they can play shortstop at a major league level, and if not they should be jailed wearing nothing but pink underwear.

Mr. Gingrich’s response was to straighten his lavender cravat, rise to his feet and declare: “I will not eat your cheese, kind sirs.” Moderator John King of CNN then gave him a biscuit, and he settled down for the duration of the evening.

For life of the discussion about illegal immigrants invading the United States, one popular suggestion has been the idea of a wall that ran the entirety of the US-Mexico border. The wall, or fence, would actually be an extension of a barrier that currently exists. Those who support it say it would greatly reduce the dangerous flow of Mexicans over the border, a threat to national security, and that Mexicans are well known for their fear of chain linked fences and inability to climb.

But all the while, Americans have been distracted from an enemy to the north. Every day, Canadians scurry over the world’s longest unguarded border, illegally entering the US in search of that which their home country, a backwater nation, populated by socialists who think the right wing is where a forward with great skating ability plays. They walk among Americans undetected until they have to use words like ‘about’ or a hockey game breaks out.

This is the great unspoken threat to Americans, and here is a brief outline of why Canadians are flowing across the border by the thousands.

1. Universal Healthcare
Canadians had Obamacare back when Barack was still sucking on his momma’s tit in Kenya. It was forced upon them by a radical socialist government who saw fit to protect its citizenry’s lives at any cost. They even put it in their constitution. If a Canadian gets injured or sick, the state pays for their medical expenses.

Canadians hate it. They hate being coddled, hate being told that everything’s going to be alright, hate the absence of HMOs. Canadians only have moderately corrupt insurance companies, and universal healthcare is a big reason. As a result, they’re crossing the border in North Dakota, Washington, New York, and Minnesota in search of low-paying jobs that barely provide them the means to choose their own healthcare provider, the way God intended.

2. The 2nd Amendment
It is nearly impossible to be inflicted by a gunshot wound in Canada, let alone killed in such an incident. Canada, even though it has more guns per capita than the US, has no constitutional provision giving Canadians the right to bear arms. In Canada, guns are used mostly to hunt, and by law enforcement officials, and there is a glaring absence of the semi-automatic weapons that their neighbors to the south are permitted to carry brazenly through the streets to protect themselves and their families from other people carrying semi-automatic weapons brazenly through the streets to protect their families from other…and so on and so forth.

The horrible irony is that Canadians fleeing Vancouver, Toronto, and Sault Ste. Marie in the dark of night to find gun-toting solace in the US are often shot trying to do so with those very semi-automatic weapons.

3. Employment
As soon as word spread north that illegal immigrants in the United States were getting well off of low-paying jobs in the custodial, general labor, and au pere industries, Canadians started packing their bags and heading south. The opportunity to work several horrible jobs that Americans don’t want in order to make ends meet was too much to pass up. Now, in places like Michigan, Vermont, and Montana, Canadians are gardening, building home extensions, and raising wealthy privileged children for a quarter of the minimum wage, without health benefits, and not paying taxes.

4. National Security
Canada rarely, if ever, goes to war with anyone. They haven’t invaded a country since storming the beaches of Normandy in World War II. They weren’t in Iraq, and even skipped out on Vietnam, and as a result there has never been a Canadian war movie with an awesome 60s era soundtrack, a truth that its people greatly resent.

As a result of this talk first-kill never mentality, Canadians are rarely attacked on their home soil in acts of terrorism. Hell, the Russians invaded them in 1972 at the peak of the cold war, and all they did was play hockey. Oh, and the United Nations? Canadian idea. This pacifist bend has Canucks skating across the border as fast as their Bauers will take them, eager for a life of terror threat levels, racial profiling, and Fox News alerts.

5. Immigration
Canadians have been covertly allowing immigrants into their country for years, often providing healthcare, reasonably priced post-secondary education, and hope. Some of Canada’s most celebrated artists, politicians, and community elders are first generation Canadians, their families having snuck into the country and embedded themselves by working hard becoming respected and valued members to their communities. Canada even has two official languages, English and French, a result of a torrid history of encouraging cultural inclusion and diversity.

Canadians, wary of expanding the breadth of their knowledge and understanding, have been crossing the Great Lakes in droves in order to find ethnically conformed communities in the land of opportunity.

Editor’s Note: Homeland Security, upon becoming aware of this article, has issued a Persimmon Level Four Threat Alert, asking Americans to be on the lookout for Canadians illegally entering the United States. Citizens should note that Canadians often disguise themselves as traveling Pee Wee hockey teams, comedians, and NFL long snappers.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 Quebec Writers’ Federation A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs(Insomniac Press, 2011). He lives in Toronto.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
American Cockfight: Rick Santorum 
5 Reasons to Support Newt Gingrich (…Not) 

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