American Cockfight: Rick Santorum

THE BATTLE FOR THE WHITE HOUSE IS A COCKFIGHT. Literally. But it’s a wonder there’s even an election at all. With a man described by Bono as a world-class humanitarian, it’s a wonder why they don’t just pluck Rooster Rick Santorum from the race and sit him right down where he belongs in the grand coup that is the Oval Office. But for now, the illusion of democracy must be maintained so on our march to the ballot box it’s important to have the facts. So here are 6 reasons for you to scream Rick Santorum’s name when you’re cramming that box.

1. Rick Santorum does not monkey around.

Everyone who’s failed science knows one thing for sure: science is for suckers. That’s why Rick Santorum is above science. We already learned that Newt Gingrich, the badassmuthafugga who loves fucking and dinosaurs and space is above the law. But if Rick is above science, and science is what a lot of laws are based on, then Rick is above Newt who is above laws. Real clear politics, right? See, Rick won’t be bullied by godless things like scientists or concepts like evolution. For Rooster Rick, evolution occurred, just on a tiny, micro level, so he’s not going to let the children be polluted with ideas universally accepted by the scientific community. Besides, who needs science when you have peer-reviewed journals like the Bible to guide your way.

2. Rick Santorum will own the weather.

The theme here is consistency. So if you’re going to be above science, it makes sense that you rule the weather too. Or at least privatize it. When Santorum introduced the National Weather Service Duties Act of 2005 which would have prohibited the National Weather Service from offering free weather data to the public it had NOTHING to do with a handsome cash donation made to him and his PAC by the employees of AccuWeather, a privately-owned commercial weather company which supplied the same data as the National Weather Service. So why all the hating on the NWS? Answer: Katrina. See, Rooster Rick had his feathers in a ruffle because he blamed the National Weather Service for its insufficient evacuation warnings during Hurricane Katrina. And rightly so! God damn the National Weather Service for not being able to predict that a moderate-strength hurricane would damage levees whose collapse was attributed to poor construction by the Unuted States Army Corps of Engineers. Thank God the people of New Orleans had FEMA to fix everything.

3. Rick Santorum is hard on Iran, sort of.

As a politician in the United States, it helps to have a few moral and ethical loopholes in case you get backed into a corner. Rick is no exception. He wants regime change in Iran just like the rest of us, he just opposes American companies like Haliburton from being restricted from doing business with them. In other words, a military regime shooting an unarmed woman marching for democracy in the chest: Bad. Stopping an American company from doing business with the same regime: Worse.

4. Rick Santorum understands homosexuality, kind of. Well actually not at all but fuck it.

Santorum’s a little grey on things like dictionary definitions of homosexuality, but that’s just consistent with being above science and weather. Sometimes he confuses homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia but whatevs, right? Besides, who hasn’t bitten into a desk thinking it was a cheeseburger? It’s the same shit, basically. Of course this led to Rooster Rick’s Google problem. (No need for a link here. Just enter his name in Google and you’ll see what we’re talking about.) His name carries so much weight it’s even won him an award.

5. Rick Santorum hates condoms.

Fiiiiiiiiiinally! A man with his finger on the pulse of America! As everyone knows, condoms were invented by people who hate sex. And Bareback Santorum knows condoms are straight-up wrong–at least for married families. See, for Rick those things are “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.” Namely, experiencing pleasure. Positions like this clearly help explain his drill-everywhere approach to energy. Consistency!

6. Rick has a solution to America’s obesity problem.

The answer. Starve them. The logic is quite simple for Razor Rick. If poor people are fat, why do we give them food stamps? Cut the food stamps. Trim the fat. It’s just the kind of political pragmatism needed in America today.

Ian Orti is the author of The Olive and the Dawn (Snare Books) and L (and things come apart) (Invisible Publishing). He reports to TSJ live from Berlin, Germany.

 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
5 Reasons to Support Newt Gingrich (…Not) 
The 7 Books in the Life Cycle of Any U.S. President 

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