It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is preparing to waddle into its seventh season of debauchery and dick jokes thanks to the startling revelation that Mac is fat. As sitcoms approach double-digit numbers of seasons, often times they’re forced to rely on a new gimmick to keep it fresh. Nothing says “let’s pump up those Nielsen ratings” like adding a new character into the mix. But who could possibly hack it with Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Sweet Dee and Frank? Here are five notable Philadelphians who should join the gang…
1. Michael Vick
Episode Title: The Gang Gets an Image Makeover
If the Gang isn’t careful, they’re heading down a similar path as the Seinfeld crew and are going to get their comeuppance at the hands of all those people they’ve wronged over the years (we’re talking about you Rickety Cricket). And who better to get some image advice from than the Baha Man himself, Michael Vick? All golden doodle jokes aside, Vick would add an athletic element to the show that will surely be lost with Mac’s weight gain. It’s Always Sunny has quite the cloudy look without someone boasting cut off t-shirts and pantomiming ninja chops through the air.
2. The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air
Episode Title: The Gang Starts a Rap Career
It has been fifteen years since The Fresh Prince signed off and surely Maserati-scooted into the So Cal sunset. But time can be cruel sometimes. So when the Fresh Prince (West Philadelphia born and raised) shows up at Paddy’s, cocaine bloated and miserable, this is the Gang’s opportunity to give back…or not, as profiting off other people’s misfortunes seem to be their modus operandi. We’ve managed to get a hold of a brief exchange between The Fresh Prince and Charlie.
INT. PADDY’S PUB – DAY
(The Fresh Prince sits at the bar nursing a drink. Charlie enters.)
I can’t believe I’ve gone from eating caviar to eating cat food.
You’ll get used to it, dude. You’ll know you really hit rock bottom when you go from eating cat food to cardboard. But I’ve got some really good news! We booked you a show!
Really?! How’d you pull that off?
I told him you were the first openly gay rapper. The Fresh Prince of the Glory Hole.
3. Rocky Balboa
Episode Title: Yo Adrian!
Rocky Balboa has taken more direct shots to the head than Sweet Dee at a party where guests end up with messy faces…only that’s definitely not cake frosting on her forehead. When the Italian Stallion returns to Philly to commemorate his bout with Apollo Creed, he’s stunned to find out that someone has stolen his statue in front of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Who’d be so callus? The McPoyles! Rocky and the Gang quickly form like a capicola-fed Voltron to get back a piece of Philadelphia history.
4. Boyz II Men
Episode Title: Motown Philly’s Back Again or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Do the East Coast Swing
Everyone has fond memories of Boyz II Men. Their songs were literally playing when a lot of boys became men thanks to some over the pants handiwork courtesy of the orthodontic wonder, Mary, from homeroom. But the Boyz have certainly been quiet these past few years, and we attribute a lot of it to losing their baritone teddy bear, Michael McCary, who could literally make the ladies’ pantaloons disintegrate with one deep note. That’s where the Gang comes in. The very thought of Charlie fine-tuning “Day Man” into a sad ballad like “End of the Road” makes my funny bone quiver.
5. Lenny Dykstra
Episode Title: The Gang Gets into Business with Lenny Dykstra
If there were one person who wouldn’t have a hard time at all fitting in with the Gang, it would be “Nails.” This guy’s financial rise and fall makes Frank Reynolds’ look like a casual Saturday on the t-cup rides. Not to mention his excessive chewing tobacco habit would go along so nicely with Dennis and Dee’s crack jones, Mac’s penchant for ladies up top and men on the bottom and Charlie’s love of glue. Whereas Seinfeld had the infamous spitting incident with another ballplayer, Roger McDowell, The Gang would finally have one of their own.
You know what they say. You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friends ponzi schemes.