Airport Geese to Be Cooked and Shipped to Pennsylvania


Geese have become a menace. Sometimes, they do their menacing with a tinge of humor, like the time that suicidal goose flew into Fabio’s face on a roller coaster. But then there are the more unfortunate incidents like when a goose flew into the engine of a US Airways flight and made Sully Sullenberger into a hero. Once you start bringing commercial flights down from the skies, you’ve crossed a line as a species, and you must be dealt with accordingly. That’s exactly what the people of New York are doing.

Under a new plan announced today, officials in New York City will begin rounding up and killing troublesome birds who threaten airline safety and shipping them off to food banks in Pennsylvania to provide meals for that city’s poor population. New York City’s homeless population responded that “It’s cool, we ate last week” when asked about the new program, before adding, “We always have that burgeoning rat population we can rely on for sustenance, enjoy your dinners, Pennsylvania.”

Okay, none of that exchange actually happened. We just wanted to point out the fact that a city with a gigantic homeless population is shipping off a bunch of delicious airport goose to feed the people of Pennsylvania. We suspect pretty much every other story about this will act like the fact that the geese are being killed is some sort of cause for outrage. It’s not, no matter what PETA says.

But damn, is there not a single person in the NYC area who might be down on their luck and could use that little extra pep in the step that can only come from having a belly full of freshly slaughtered bird? Does Pennsylvania know something about NYC that it’s keeping a secret in exchange for free homeless people food?

We think these are all legitimate questions. But we also think whiskey and coffee is an acceptable breakfast, so your disagreement would be more than understandable.