Five Obnoxiously Pretentious Moments in One-Armed History

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We have so much trouble knowing what to do with two arms that we often wonder if cutting one off would decrease the problem by 50%. We all hear about great acts of courage, accomplishments and utterly bitching things people with one-arm have done. It often makes us wonder if these stumpers found some sort of secret to life.

Though undoubtedly amazing, one-armed men doing great acts is very annoying. To know that someone out there can accomplish twice as much as you with one arm is obnoxious and a total buzz kill. Of course, these one-armers will tell you their disability gave them the strength and courage to scale Everest, save twins from drowning or other annoying things one-arm people do. But that’s all bullshit. Just like Clooney’s eye-rolling good looks and Bono’s unselfish acts of charity, great achievements by one-armed men just make normal schlubs like us look like an even bigger jackass than we already are. WE GET IT! You can do some awesome fucking shit with an arm and a stub. When do we say enough is enough one-armed show offs! Come back down to our level! Or the level below us! Stop being so much better than us because you’re not (obviously, because of having half the usual number of arms).

Here are a few moments in the history of one-armed pricks doing things that most two-armers would have trouble with…

One-Armed Asshole Climbs a Radio Tower


On November 25th, 1951, an obnoxious one-limbed warehouseman, Hans Halonen, climbed almost 500 feet in search of his friend Jack. Thing is… there was no one else on the fucking tower. 500 feet is high, but even from the ground, one could look up at the tower and see that no one was up there. His answer? He told police he passed Jack on the way up the tower. If your mission was to save Jack… why didn’t you stop and save Jack??

We know. Because that wasn’t the purpose. The purpose here was to flaunt your one-armed skills and make everyone look like schmucks who can’t even climb off the damn couch. The truth of the matter, Hans Halonen Stubby, is that there never was a Jack. Except for you making all of us feel like jackasses.

One-Armed Ass Goes Boating for Charity


May 15th 1982, John McGuire, equipped with a 17-foot bass fishing boat and a stub, set out on a 1,500 mile boat trip to raise money for the St. Jude Hospital and to prove handicapped people are “first-class citizens.” OK ass clown. We see what you’re doing here. We see right through your arm, McGuire. The charity aspect is a front to prove that handicap people are just as equal as two-armed humans. But really what you’re saying is that you’re better than us. How do we know? Because you’re fucking driving a damn 17-foot bass fishing boat with one fucking arm. We can’t do that. Most people can’t. Do you think just because you can navigate the seas with a stump you’re better than those of us equipped with two functioning arms?

We’ve got some questions for you, McGuire. Can you masturbate with both hands? Can you pull a crossover move in a pickup game? How are your Playstation remote skills? That’s what we thought. So, go ahead, Mr. McGuire, navigate the seas with your peg-arm. We have much more important things to do, like juggling on the couch.

One-Armed Blind Golfer Hits Hole-In-One


August 1985, a one-armed 70-year-old man, Frank Kaarto, buried a hole in one at Wyandotte Hills Golf Course with a five iron. It’s also noted that Franky here has blurry vision. OK. Jesus. One arm. Blurry vision. We get it, Frank. You can handle a stick. What two-armed people can’t do, you’ve done with multiple handicaps. Our question to you, Franky: How did they even know your vision is blurry? Did you happen to drop that extra tidbit of info to the press? What’s the point of that? To make your feat more God-like? Exactly. Like golf isn’t hard enough, Franky, you had to go out and make it look like it ain’t no thang with a busted wing and Ray Charles vision. Thanks. If this isn’t the final reason why two-armed men should give up on golf, we don’t know what is.

One-Armed MLB Pitcher Makes Hitters Appear Armless


On September 4th 2003, one-armed New York Yankee Jim Abbott threw a no-hitter against the Cleveland Indians. Look, yes Jim Abbott is a great role-model for kids WITH DISABILITIES, but a complete asshole to any two-armed kid pinning their dreams on becoming a major league baseball player. Jimmy here showed us that one-armed people can throw a no-hitter. In the process he indirectly asked us two-armers, “what’s your excuse?”

We can just imagine Jimmy taunting us two-handers, spinning the ball on his nub like some one armed God freak. Where do you get off throwing no-hitters, you nub! Can you imagine what those Indians batters must have felt knowing they were all beat that day by a stump? So rude, Jim. So, rude.

One-Armed Monkey Slaughters Chickens Like He’s SOME Badass


Li Chun found an injured little monkey in the forest, performed some back-alley shady amputation to its rotting arm, nursed him back to health and made him a part of his family. Great fucking story, right? Wrong. One-armed monkeys are the equivalent to the Joe Pesci little man complex. Here’s what this little turd arm monkey did. On July 7th, 2010 a the one-armed chimp noticed Li cracking eggs for breakfast and decided to mimic his owner by smashing all the eggs in the chicken pen. What nerves that asshole has got.

OH? There’s more? Li also plucked a chicken for dinner one night, so the armless-ape felt he shall do the same like some deranged badass. Li wakes up one morning to find that the monkey killed over 80 chickens which supposedly is a record in one day, albeit a record we’re sure we could top with the proper machinery. We know that’s the record because that bastard monkey knew. He decided to show all other monkeys how much better he was than two-armed apes by single-handedly (ha!) smashing the world chicken slaughtering record. What a dick!

It’s like you one-armers only want to hurt the rest of the normal two-armed world. If we removed all these overachieving armless pricks, we’d have a pathetic but at the same time much greater world full of incompetent equals. We live in a two-armed world, one-armers. Leave your awesome stubs at home.