A-Rehab [or How Alex Rodriguez Becomes Loved Again]

Headshots

Headshots loves the game of baseball. The smell of fresh grass before a doubleheaders. The crack of the bat when it meets the ball perfectly. The stadium organ. “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” Chewing tobacco. Ballpark beer. Making love to a woman in high socks. The game is the very essence of Americana.

Which is why we hate A-Rod.

We’re not the only ones. A-Rod’s repeated disrespect for the game through cheating, PEDs, lies, and unfair play, has made him the crown pariah of baseball. His own team doesn’t want him on the field, and this is a team that welcomed Roger Clemens with open arms. Twice.

But nowadays, in the middle of a prolonged appeal before a record suspension, A-Rod habitually booed everywhere he plays, even at home. He makes Barry Bonds look beloved. Madonna won’t even return his calls. NOT EVEN MADGE!

Simply put, Alex Rodriguez is the most hated man in sports. But what is America without a comeback story? Here’s a quick guide to how he can rehab his public image.

1. Tell the Truth

Headshots: A-Rehab (or How Alex Rodriguez Becomes Loved Again)

Jesus Christ on second base, how has this not happened yet?

Contrition is next to godliness in 2013.

The best way to regain the public’s trust and love is to let them know you’re human. Go on and Oprah special and cry. Have a book ghost written about your demons. Talk about how you let a hitting coach in A ball put his bat in your mitt. Your mommy didn’t love you. Your daddy didn’t care. Tell the world you put so many needles in your veins Courtney Love asked for your hand in marriage. Admit to anything and everything. We all know you did it, why not be less an dick about it?

Which leads us to…

2. Be Less of a Dick

Headshots: A-Rehab (or How Alex Rodriguez Becomes Loved Again)

Has there ever been more of an asshole than A-Rod? From his departure from Seattle to his begging out of Texas to his slapping balls (not in a good way) to his poor post-season performances to ratting out other cheaters in the Biogenesis scandal, recent history finds fewer bigger dicks than Alex Rodriguez (again, not in a good way).

How hard would it be to be just a fraction smaller a dick. Just dial it down a notch. Get it to a Lance Armstrong level of dick. Or Jay-Z. Kanye.

Something that we can tolerate.

3. Appear on Glee

Headshots: A-Rehab (or How Alex Rodriguez Becomes Loved Again)

Okay, this may seem out there, but who doesn’t love a blue eyed Spaniard singing Journey covers on the most beloved happy half-hour on network television. Recent Glee guests or tributes include: Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and this season Demi Lovato.

All three have had issues with being loved, and all three have used Glee as step four in the twelve step program to rebuilding America’s affection for them. A-Rod can play Finn’s long lost little league coach, who tracks him down only to find he’s dead.

He does a couple of duets, a bit of dancing, and BOOM, quicker than the trigger on a 14-year-old boy two knuckles deep in a pair of fresh panties, he’s back in our good graces.

4. Donate an Obscene Sum to Charity

$353,416,252

$353,416,252

$353,416,252

Again, why has this not happened? Alex Rodriguez has earned $353,416,252 during his career.

Look at that number.

$353,416,252

I mean, to put it in terms Headshots readers can relate to, that’s about $353,416,252 more than we paid our interns last year.

That’s 353,416.252 tuggers from a Thai escort.

That’s 353,416,252 songs on iTunes.

A-Rod can’t peel a few William McKinley’s off the top of his stack to donate to Make-a-Wish, or Doctors Without Borders, or the American National CattleWomen Foundation?

All kidding aside, donating $100 million (we’re not kidding) to You Can Play would immediately get A-Rod out of morality jail, and perhaps even set him up for a future in TV or film or casino greeting.

5. Shotgun Marriage to Miley Cyrus

Headshots: A-Rehab (or How Alex Rodriguez Becomes Loved Again)

This would definitely…werk? (See what we did there?)

Look, Miley got a raw deal this week, or, well, decade. She’s getting bad advice from evil managers. Pose suggestively with daddyTweet semi-nude pics of yourself? Celebrate your sexuality by touching yourself on national television while a 35-year-old man who’s plagiarized hit song celebrates, at best, sexual assault, grinds you from behind dressed as a Footlocker employee? Good golly Miss Miley.

We’re going to kill two birds with one blood diamond. A-Rod and Miley need to get together, and fast. And this can’t be a Vegas shotgun wedding, either. They need a pictorial in People that will serve as a generation’s template for a dream wedding. The hate Americans currently have for these two will cancel each other out once wedding dresses, celeb guests, and rumors of pregnancy hit TMZ. That’s right, an A-Rod/Miley baby. A-Miles. Mi-Rod.

This plan is foolproof. If A-Rod’s representatives would like to discuss this plan further, we can be reached through though TSJ offices.

You’re welcome.

 

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