A Day in the Life of Teddy Roosevelt

1. You’re already awake, so hop onto Molly and ride to work.

Note: If Molly is unavailable, ride an alligator.

2. Go immediately to White House Treaty Room. Do 1,000 push-ups in full view of the US Constitution.

Teddy Roosevelt, standing next to his medicine ball.

3. Sign Executive Order 586. (No, wait. Before you do, conquer Panama.)

4. Sign Executive Order 586… with a double-barreled Fox 12-bore shotgun.

5. Accept Nobel Peace Prize.

Bite it; make sure it’s real. Save the rest for later.

6. Deliver a speech in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, no matter what.

Note: rely on adamantium skeleton for protection.

7. After hospital, go back to White House. Choke out a bear with your bare hands. Maintain erection.

8. Use said erection to conceive Quentin Roosevelt while laughing menacingly at your new bear rug.

9. Set your trap for Death, sit in the dark with your Fox No. 12 shotgun, and wait…


“…”

10. If still alive by daybreak, repeat step 1.

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Jacopo della Quercia is now on Twitter. Follow him

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