9 Jaw-dropping Wedding Dresses You Can Totally Buy Right Now!

9. Anachronistic Wedding Dresses

AVAILABLE BY: Rossetti

Want to get married in the same dress Marie Antoinette had on before she died? Of course you do.

Or better yet, was buried in?

Want a vintage eighteenth-century corset pushing up your boobs, bone and all?

Want to get medieval on your wedding night by showing up on your wedding day in this?

Want your wedding portraits to look like old paintings? Is your time machine broken? Don’t you fret. Rossetti Costumes & Bridal Gowns can help you out.

8. The 150 Carat Diamond Wedding Dress

AVAILABLE BY: Martin Katz and Renee Strauss

Cost: $12 million. Pshaw.

The dress premiered at the Luxury Brands Lifestyle Bridal Show in February 2006, but is very real and very much for sale. Its designer, Renée Strauss, is one of the most celebrated bridal fashion experts in the business, and its jewelry designer, Martin Katz, is famously known for his $5 million Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra. Making stuff like this is the jewelry-maker’s equivalence of parading nuclear missiles during an arms race. If you got the money, you can buy them. Here’s one wedding dress made out of platinum.

They’d probably make one out of plutonium if it wasn’t for all the damn paperwork.

7. Latex Wedding Gowns

AVAILABLE BY:  Kim West and others.

The dress is one giant dental dam, yet somehow it seems to work pretty well.

While the dress may look like million bucks, consider what has already been documented about latex clothing: “Latex is very warm, doesn’t breath at all and people have been known to pass out while wearing it.”  Assuming you survive the reception, prepare yourself in advance for the worst case of swamp ass in your life just in time for your wedding night. Fortunately, there is hope for those of you deadset on being wedding in latex.  Breathable latex wedding dresses are available by Collective Chaos at the expense of just a little modesty.

 

Success! Swamp ass avoided.

6. The Balloon Dress

AVAILABLE BY:  Daisy Balloon
Yes, we know what you are thinking: Yet another latex dress? Not exactly. This one is for people with even more money to blow.

According to Reuters, these remarkable numbrs are commercially available and for sale. Prices range from $1,930 to $3,860, and its designer “has sold more than 20 wedding dresses since entering the business two years ago.”

5. Sweet Romance

AVAILABLE BY:  Crisan Bakery & Edible Art Gallery
What is most unusual about Romance by Romanian designer Ana Claudia Crisan is that technically it is not a wedding dress, but a sculpture that you wear in lieu of a dress.  Just place it around your shoulders and, by the power of Grayskull, it instantly transforms whatever you are wearing into a wedding dress.

Oh, and perhaps the most interesting tidbit about this sculpture: It is made out of wax, but if you are interested in a sugar version her edible art gallery can accommodate that request as well.

It even works if you are naked.

4. Barely There: Body-painted Wedding Gowns

AVAILABLE BY: (Various)

At long last, the final frontier of wedding dresses.  For only $350 plus hotel and travel, at last you can have the closest socially-acceptable equivalent to getting married naked.

 

 

3. The Great American Wedding Gown

AVAILABLE BY: Romantic Gowns

It’s basically the bridal equivalent to this:

“Do YOU take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife!”

Recommended for the bride who loves her future-husband just as much as her country, this magnum opus of Americana will result in one of the most glorious bridal entrances in any church or chapel’s history—we’re guessing set to The Star-Spangled Banner. Besides, if this is going to be the most important day in you life, why not enter into it looking like Wonder Woman? Or a goddamn propaganda poster.

2.The Bespoke Lambskin Leather Wedding Dress

AVAILABLE BY: Lux Tenebrae

Fur is murder, but leather is just plain wicked–in a good way. According to the website, “it’s not a dress at all: it’s a beautiful bridal corset and flowing fishtail skirt.” In short, you’re basically walking around in a pimped-out leather corset like a female member of the Hellfire Club.

She probably can’t breath for shit in there, but damn…

Besides, while even dominatrices have every right to get married just as much as the next woman, do you have any idea what such a move would mean for the bridal party?

We’re pretty sure that one of these women is somebody’s grandma.

1. The Camo Formal Bridal Collection

AVAILABLE BY: Camo Formal
At long-last, blend into the backwoods you will be married in.

 

 

And yes, they have Mother’s attire as well.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
The Colon-rectum, and Other Weirdly-named Animals 
10 Famous Monarchs with Badass Names 

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