8 US States That Shouldn’t Even Exist
8. TEXAS
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: Because Texas isn’t a state; it’s a freaking country. It’s more than 50,000 square miles larger than France and boasts a population greater than three-quarters of all the countries on Earth.
Assuming all tumbleweeds are people.
As such, it should not be too surprising that Texas was annexed into the United States in 1845 with the intent that it be carved into as many as five separate states.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH IT: After several unsuccessful attempts to mess with Texas…
Texas decided to continue doing things their own way and seceded after only 15 years in the Union. After the Confederacy got beat like a drum during the American Civil War, states like Texas were readmitted to the Union on the condition that they did as they were told for once. Specifically, no more slavery. Since curbing slavery was the primary reason for splitting Texas up in the first place, all Civil War-related matters has been pretty quiet in Texas until a few years ago.
Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX).
7. LOUISIANA
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: Because purchasing the Louisiana Territory — all 828,800 square miles of it — was not even up for discussion when James Monroe and Robert R. Livingston were sent to Paris to negotiate the sale of New Orleans. It was like they asked for a plate of pancakes and were instead offered the whole restaurant plus the entire country attached to it for a few dollars more.
Apparently, Napoleon moonlit as a night manager at IHOP.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH IT: The House of Representatives tried to kill the sale on numerous grounds, almost all of them stemming from how President Jefferson built his presidency on how such a move was unconstitutional.
We like to picture Thomas Jefferson going all Gollum on this.
The issue was ultimately decided in a narrow 59-57 vote. Had two congressmen voted otherwise, there’s a good chance that the US would have never extended beyond the Mississippi.
6. VERMONT
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: Because the whole issue over whatever the hell Vermont was nearly led to war between New York State and the Vermont Republic. Hostilities cooled once New York allowed the Vermont Republic to be annexed as a state, even if it meant admitting that Vermont was the Danny DeVito to New York’s Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Hell, DeVito even kind of looks like Vermont in this picture.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH IT: Slavery. The US needed free states to offset the addition of slave states into the Union, and was desperate for anything to maintain the balance. Vermont was eventually added as a free state, Kentucky as a slave state, and that was the end of that. Oh wait, no… There is currently a secessionist group within Vermont called the Second Vermont Republic that is still fighting for the Vermont Republic right down to their crappy flag.
5. WEST VIRGINIA
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: Because it would’ve remained part of Virginia if it wasn’t because of that damn Civil War. West Virginians had few slaves up in their mountains, and figured “fuck this… we’re leaving.” That’s right, the state of West Virginia actually seceded from the South.
Unfortunately, they had nowhere to go but North.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH IT: Because West Virginia was never added back into Virginia once the Civil War ended even though quite a few people wanted to. Virginians actually took this all the way to the US Supreme Court in 1871, and the Virginia General Assembly repealed the act of secession. However, by this time Congress had already passed a resolution in 1866 recognizing the transfer, the Virginia General Assembly be damned. The Supreme Court voted in favor of West Virginians, and that was the end of that.
Besides, do you have any idea how hard it is to take a star down from the US flag once it’s already been added?
3. & 4. KANSAS & NEBRASKA
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: They were created for the sole purpose of building a transcontinental railroad, which pissed the hell out of the South since it meant more free states. As a compromise, they decided to have settlers resolve the slavery question themselves in Kansas by popular vote. This exploded into a goddamn backwoods guerrilla war between the free people of Kansas and pro-slave settlers from Missouri in a civil war known as Bleeding Kansas.
And Japanese porn.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH THEM: Once the Civil War started, all bets were off. Kansas was added to the Union in 1861 as a free state since the North no longer at Southern congressmen beating the shit out of them on the floor of the Senate.
What a FOX News special report looked like in 1856.
2. MAINE
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: Because Maine was originally part of Massachusetts Bay Colony, and probably would have stayed that way had it not been for the Missouri Compromise. Once again, the pro-slave South wanted to add a few slave states to the Union, forcing the North to search frantically for even more new states to offset them. Since you could tell just by looking at the map that Massachusetts and Maine have little in common, the compromisers figured “Hey, let’s just make New Canada into a state,” and the rest is history.
Apparently, Massachusetts was a Risk addict.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH IT: Considering the incredible heroes Maine producing during the American Civil War, the US should consider itself lucky that Maine didn’t quit the Union and join Canada up at that point.
1. FLORIDA
WHY IT SHOULDN’T EXIST: Because it’s not a state — it’s a spoil. Andrew Jackson simply took it over for the hell of it and told the government to figure out whatever the hell they wanted to do with it. The US responded by flat-out declaring that half of Florida was theirs, and then annexed the other half after promising Spain that the US had no interest in Texas. We all know how long that promise lasted.
Hint: Not long.
WHY WE’RE STUCK WITH IT: The state survived secession during the Civil War and helped steal two elections. Once again, it’s simply a power-chip that’s constantly changing hands, and nobody wants to part with it any time soon.
Its legend lives on…
Jacopo della Quercia is now on Twitter. Follow him!
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[...] of Christian Bale – [Holytaco]Eight states in the U.S. that shouldn’t exist – [The Smoking Jacket]Jordana Brewster should always be wearing spandex – [Hollywood Tuna]Even I have to admit [...]
4:55 pm on July 19th, 2012
interestin, informative,ect
6:13 pm on July 19th, 2012
the north lost over a hundred thousand more lives in the civil war that the south. both sides were hit hard with disease being the number one killer.
7:12 pm on July 19th, 2012
What about Hawaii? It was a sovereign country that the US took by force.
11:59 pm on July 19th, 2012
1. Hawaii, which is an illegally occupied sovereign nation.
8:27 pm on July 20th, 2012
Hmm another website blasting the South, how humorous…
2:19 am on July 21st, 2012
List of 1 person that’s not welcome in 8 states.
(Hint: jackass using a pseudonym)
1. Jacopo Della Quercia
1:14 am on July 23rd, 2012
You say, “Because Texas isn’t a state; it’s a freaking country.” Same thing. Like in Australia, the colonies were set up as mini-Englands (mini-state). The French king did not say, ‘Le country, c’est moi.’ He sais, ‘L’etat (state), c’est moi.’ Before the Civil War the U.S. was referred to as ‘These United States’ (plural), not ‘The United States.’ The EEC is trying to emulate the U.S. the way it is constituted. They were united once before to some extent, but that was under the Roman Empire. However, they now have different ethnicities, whereas it is ridiculous to regard the U.S. states as different countries because they are all pretty much Anglo-Saxon culture. Get rid of that dumb Bill of Rights and you might be able to confederate with the other Anglo-Saxon countries a lot easier.
4:21 am on August 10th, 2012
[...] of Christian Bale – [Holytaco]Eight states in the U.S. that shouldn’t exist – [The Smoking Jacket]Jordana Brewster should always be wearing spandex – [Hollywood Tuna]Even I have to admit [...]
1:15 pm on October 2nd, 2012
Texas is NOT its own country. It was a country at one point but when it joined the United States it gave up the rights to be a sovereign nation… just like Hawaii did. Every Texas History teacher that I had in K-12 mocked the fact that people outside of Texas perpetuate the myth we were still our own country.
2:18 pm on October 5th, 2012
Wow just wow the starbucks blogger that threw this crap together needs to sit down and read “The Real Lincoln” – Thomas J. DiLorenzo
10:15 am on October 30th, 2012
what a crock, Texas is the ONLY state that could be totally self sufficient anyway. and no election was stolen like you WACKOS try to claim. you should thank GOD that al gore was NOT president on 9/11/2001. we would have had many more attacks on our soil before he could have figured out what to do. he would have probably tried to ban all planes since he hates the combustion engine, other than the one in HIS private jet
3:21 pm on October 31st, 2012
Well, when you weed out the vulgar filth of this so called “professional” writter the historical part of the information is interesting…the rest is childish crap that should never have been treated with any credability.
4:46 pm on November 10th, 2012
I’ve read some things by this author before on Cracked.com. He’s really good at this!
12:05 am on November 21st, 2012
I’m pretty sure Vermont is the greatest place on earth and doesn’t belong on this list…
5:19 pm on December 3rd, 2012
Sara, Hawaii gave up it’s right of sovereignty the way someone gives up their right to their wallet when there’s a gun to their head.
4:25 pm on December 8th, 2012
Stole two elections?? screwyou
11:32 am on February 23rd, 2013
Stole two elections?
Tell me again about how the moon landings were faked or about how the pyramids were built by ancient aliens…
10:33 pm on February 25th, 2013
Poor “West” Virginia.
Clearly, it should be named North Virginia and the traitorous remnant should be known as South Virginia.
Fun fact: the most western point in VA is further West than the most western point in WV.
12:06 am on February 28th, 2013
well apparently this writer has an obsession with race