The days of Jell-O Shots are a thing of the past. Personally, I can’t wait to inhale air that consists of 40-proof Scotch. But that’s just me, and science hasn’t caught up to my needs yet. Are you, too, looking to ingest booze in a new EXCITING manner? This is for you!!!
Think of all the great things you do in your life. NOW think of how much better all those same things would be if you can do them conspicuously drunk! Behold drunk recipes. Candy and food recipes made to get you drunk by eating some of your favorite things.
1. The Go the Fuck to Sleep: Rummy Bears
- Dump a bag of Gummies into a bowl.
- Soak and cover them completely with Rum.
- Let them sit for 8 hours as those bastards swell up.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: I personally think Gummi Bears suck. Put some rum in them and now they are my favorite candy. At the price of movie theatre Gummi Bears you’d think they’d already be soaked in rum. They’re not. BUT… you can make your own. Sneak them in. Makes the jokes in “That’s My Boy” a bit more enjoyable.
WHO WANTS IT: Moviegoers, hyper dogs and kids, college sluts.
2. The Teen Choice Award: Skittles Vodka
- In a bowl, separate Skittles into flavors.
- Each flavor has its own water bottle now containing 6 ounces of Vodka.
- Pour the Skittles in bottle.
- Shake it.
- Let them dissolve over night.
- Strain each flavor using about 3-4 coffee filters to get that white cum muck out.
- Repeat strain.
- Then pour in a jar or clear glass flask.
- Let them sit in freezer overnight.
- Serve over rocks to make it less sweet.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: Skittles. When’s the last time a grown ass adult had one? If you said yes, then you’re not a grown-ass adult. But that’s ok. Because I’m a fan of skittles that get you drunk.
WHO WANTS IT: High school kids looking for an alternative to Mad Dog 20/20.
3. The He Might Beat His Kids: Old Fashioned Gummy Tummy Penguins
- Same as Rummy Bears but just fucking use Whisky and Penguins, ass.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: Anytime I think of Whisky and Penguins, it makes me want to scream to parents on the playground: “WATCH OUT, KIDS!” What a 27-year-old man is doing on the playground is a completely another question and my alibi is always “I was at home.” Combining whisky with penguins can be a dangerous device. Sure. Seems harmless. But both can be sad, mean drunks.
WHO WANTS IT: Single dads and bastards.
4. The Frat Boy: Vodka Watermelon
- Shove Vodka bottle in a watermelon hole and let it soak.
- Day or two for all the Vodka to soak.
- Cut and eat, bro.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: “Shove a tube in a hole until liquid fills it up” is Pi Kappa Alpha’s creed. Ya in college? Ya near a beach? Ya parents pay ya cellphone bill? Vodka Watermelon is YA THANG.
WHO WANTS IT: Sororities, fraternities, and people on welfare.
5. The Pervert: Booze Balls
- Just click the link for the recipe, perv.
- I’m not contributing anymore to this one.
- You disgust me.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: So you’re not a pedophile but always wanted to enjoy tiny balls… Well, here ya go, ya perv. BTW you are clearly a pedophile.
WHO WANTS IT: Perverts.
6. The Class With a Dash of Two Sheets to the Wind: Tangerine and Prosecco Sorbet
Because you’re so classy, here’s the full, exact recipe written out… sir:
- Combine sugar and 3/4 cup water in small saucepan.
- Stir over medium heat until sugar dissolves.
- Increase heat and bring to boil.
- Transfer syrup to medium bowl and chill until cold, about 2 hours.
- Add strained tangerine juice, Prosecco, and finely grated tangerine peel to syrup; whisk to blend well.
- Transfer mixture to ice cream maker and process according to manufacturer’s instructions.
- Transfer sorbet to freezer container.
- Cover tightly with lid and freeze until firm, at least 8 hours or overnight.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: Oh. We got a fancy man here. This ones for anyone who calls ice cream, “sorbet” and spells resume “résumé.”
WHO WANTS IT: The 1 percent and Mitt Romney.
7. The Hipster Denial: Vodka-Spiked Cherry Tomatoes with Pepper Salt
- Cut a small X in the tomato.
- Blanch tomatoes in a saucepan of boiling water for 3 seconds and immediately transfer to bowl of ice and cold water to stop cooking. (Blanching helps the tomato skin to slip off).
- Drain, peel move them into a bowl.
- Stir tomatoes, vodka, vinegar, sugar and zest until sugar is dissolved.
- Marinate, covered and chilled, for an hour.
- Put some salt and cracked pepper on it.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: Let me guess: You’ve just been invited to a BBQ in Elysian Park. There’s gonna be a two piece band there on flute and didgeridoo? You want to serve a summer, fresh dish but also want to stay hip and young. You’re little thing the topic of this hipster gathering.
WHO WANTS IT: Echo Park, Portland, Williamsburg, and all fans of HBO’s “Girls.”
8. The Blazing Saddle: Kahlua Baked Beans
- Throw 1 lb of baked beans, cup of Kahlua, chilisauce, mustard and molasses in a baking pan and refrigerate for 4 hours.
- Bake in 375 degree oven for 60 minutes.
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: Hey Cowboy — long day roping cows, raping villages, and chewing tobacco? Love your beans? What about beans soaked in booze!? Sit down by the fire, loosen that belt… We got booze and beans for you.
WHO WANTS IT: Those who ride horses, hunters, farmers and Boy Scouts.