ChristianMingle.com is a specialized dating site that claims it will find God’s match for you.
And they certainly should not make such bold claims like that, because that would be hubris.
On an unrelated note, ChristianMingle travel packages to the Tower of Babel
have been cancelled due to communications problems.
Since we can be secure that ChristianMingle aren’t false prophets, we have decided to come up with new marketing techniques that make the site even more biblically sound.
1. Offer A Forgiveness Discount For People Switching From AshleyMadison.com
AshleyMadison.com is a dating site that encourages people to have affairs, contrary to Christian teachings. Many a marriage will be dissolved when the cheaters get caught. Where others may condemn the cheaters, ChristianMingle has a great marketing opportunity.
In John Chapter 8 an adulteress is brought before Jesus for judgement (the dude she was boning was let off with a warning). Jesus sees the crowd and declares, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” No one does and she is forgiven.
Thus, in accordance with Jesus, people switching from AshleyMadison should also receive forgiveness and a free month on ChristianMingle.
You should date Steve, he has a thing for bad girls.
2. Free Wines For Weddings That Come From The Site
In John Chapter 2, Jesus is at a wedding that runs out of wine. According to the Bible “Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing… Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.” He then turns the water into wine, making him the first recorded bathtub moonshiner.
Popcorn Sutton was his most dedicated disciple.
In that spirit, ChristianMingle should offer free wine at any of the weddings that come members meeting through the site, though some kegs could suffice as well.
3. Full Refund for Divorce
If ChristianMingle really can find God’s match for you, then clearly there should be a money-back guarantee for divorce, otherwise that means God was wrong. If they don’t offer it, we can only assume they don’t have faith in their own service. And if ChristianMingle doesn’t have faith, how are the lonely, horny faithful going to keep our faith!
Especially with the atheists having such good marketing.
4. Discounts for Boob Jobs
The Book of Proverbs gives us a lot of wisdom. One such bit comes form Proverbs 5:18-20
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
“I like big boobs and I cannot bear false witness, thou other brethren cannot deny” – God.
Clearly God wants men to be happy with a youthful wife all his days, so ChristianMingle should work plastic surgery providers to have affordable options to keep marriage together.
5. Lobby for a Recently Married Deferment For Soldiers
There is a strong tradition of Christianity among soldiers, with the saying “There are no atheists in the foxhole” being gospel.
Uh… it’s meant to be taken allegorically, not literally.
With a strong customer base in the military, ChristianMingle should, as a religious organization, seek a religious based deferment for recently married men, as required under Deuteronomy 24:5: “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.”
6. Connect Us to JDATE for Starter Marriages and Easy Divorce
ChristianMingle.com is part of Spark Networks, which runs other dating sites like JDATE (Jewish dating) and LDS Singles (Mormons).
There is opportunity in having a diverse network of faith-based dating sites. The Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, after telling Christians to stick with there non-believing spouses, throws in this little loophole.
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”
So it’s technically kosher to hook up and have legit married sex with a lover from JDATE, then have your lover leave you with no consequences. It’s like a Christian AshleyMadison!
Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me some snatch.
7. S&M Marital Enhancements
Being a good Christian is tough work, and at times the demands of a Christian marriage can seem dull. Why not add some sparks by offering totally legitimate bedroom activities?
In Colossians 3:18-19 it states: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”
And in Corinthians 7 3-6 it says “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“
The Apostle Paul basically concedes that sexless marriages or sex for pleasureless procreation ain’t going to happen for the rest of us, so just do it in marriage. Thus, to preserve marriage, ChristianMingle should have a Christian sex shop to keep the sex hot, continuous and monogamous. Also, all that talk of submission means don’t skimp on the S&M equipment.
He wasn’t called Christian Grey for nothing.