7 Signs That You’ve Given Up on Getting Laid
When you boil a man down to his core essence, the desire to get laid drives everything. Without it, there is no motivation to excel, succeed or be relevant. Whether or not he actually gets laid isn’t important. Even a married man who has no interest in bedding down other women must possess this desire, otherwise he will surely lapse into the abyss of a nondescript existence, a fate that is absolutely worse than death. Here are seven telltale signs that you’ve simply given up on impressing the opposite sex, and thus, given up on life. If any of these pertain to you, do something about it. Now.
The Presence of Velcro
Shoes that stay on with a couple strips of Velcro are highly recommended—for the elderly, the retarded or the shitfaced. If you’re none of those three, learn how to deal with a fucking pair of shoelaces. Or a shoehorn, at least. And if your wallet closes with a strip of Velcro, just end it already. What are you, 12? A grown man’s wallet has no hooks or loops, and it’s made of something called leather. Look into it.
A Fucked-Up Grill
If you have missing teeth, rotting teeth, fizzing teeth, teeth that are no longer teeth but disgusting black nubs, make it your no. 1 priority to get to a dentist and have that shit taken care of. You don’t have to go to Elliott Yamin extremes, but the second you stop caring about the condition of your chicklets, you might as well forget about being within arm’s length of a naked woman ever again.
A Dilapidated Ride
If you’re gonna commit to owning a vehicle, you must also commit all available monies (and available credit if necessary) to making sure it has a functioning muffler, is free of demolition-derby-size dents, has matching wheels and/or hubcaps, etc. And unless you’re on a stakeout, toss the fast food wrappers, coffee cups and used condoms into the proper receptacles pronto.
Faulty Brain-to-Mouth Filter
Going for broke is a studly thing to do—when you’re participating in a best-ball golf tournament or shooting craps at a Las Vegas casino. But when you sense some chemistry with a woman and you come at her with “so would you be open to an afternoon movie and you sucking my cock afterward” or “my friend and I would like to fuck you back at our hotel, at the same time,” verbalizing such scenarios is all you’ll ever do.
Elastic Waistbands
There’s a reason why underwear has them and outerwear shouldn’t. Because they’re not meant to be seen, chief! Unless you’re at the gym, wearing sweatpants in public (or worse, wearing jeans or slacks that have elastic anywhere in the waistband region) screams to the world that you’re too lazy or fat to enlist or require the services of a belt.
Your Aim Sucks
Leaving droplets of pee on the toilet seat, the rim of the toilet bowl and the surrounding floor in a public restroom doesn’t automatically eliminate you from the ranks of guys who get laid. But when you do so in your own home, you simply don’t care anymore. You’re really gonna expose a woman to that mess? Here’s a tip: you can wipe more than just your ass with toilet paper. Try it sometime.
Using Paper AND Plastic
Certain things should never be used inside the home. Gas-powered generators, for example. Because they’ll kill you. The same goes for plastic eating utensils, paper plates and anything else that might be utilized to consume food at a picnic. The sheer sloth of using this stuff under your own roof is beyond comprehension. If you find yourself doing so, go ahead and stick a plastic fork in your dick, because it’s done.
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10:20 am on July 20th, 2010
ROFL !!!
11:04 am on July 20th, 2010
I guess I am donating my elastic pants to the Salvation Army tonight.
11:21 am on July 20th, 2010
Using Paper AND Plastic…at home for a quick bite to eat. Are you sure that is a problem?
11:27 am on July 20th, 2010
Was good til #7… I’m a lazy SOB, the paper plates stay.
11:32 am on July 20th, 2010
The last one is silly. Many people use plastic utensils to eat instead of getting out their regular dishware, especially families.
11:42 am on July 20th, 2010
WTF? Velcro shoes are the *IN* thing in SoCal. I have three girlfriends who adore my shoes. I may be a computer geek, but hey… three are better than zero.
11:57 am on July 20th, 2010
Hilarious!
12:12 pm on July 20th, 2010
RE # 7: grow a brain. paper plates are indespenisible for the savvy bachelor. not breaking it out for dinner date at home, but i mean obviously.
12:54 pm on July 20th, 2010
Here’s the #8 a sign your not getting laid: You’re spending your time reading this shitty website.
Hey Chris was this supposed to be funny or informative because it fails at both. A Top 7 list? Really?
Were you going for a Top 10 list and fell short? Did you write down ideas for an article and give up and just decide to leave it in bullet point form?
1:01 pm on July 20th, 2010
I have to disagree with the disposable utensils, unless you are having a girl over; why would one want to dirty up your place?
1:15 pm on July 20th, 2010
I’m with most of the rest of the bachelors,try and take my paper plates and I’ll break your f’in arm! Never for a dinner date…but for me,just fine. Who the hell am I trying to impress? Myself? I already do that!
1:30 pm on July 20th, 2010
Paper plates are a lot better because they’re easier to clean and you know that they guy won’t have dirty dishes sitting in his sink smelling up his place.
If it’s just a regular date, plastic is the best way to go, you don’t want to show the girl she’s special enough yet for the real plates/utensils, lol.
1:34 pm on July 20th, 2010
I thought I’d score higher, so here are my signs which are all true:
1. Don’t shave for days
2. Fucked up grill
3. Do laundry in a mop bucket/wringer
4. Most clothes have holes
5. Cook by fueling stove with garbage
6. Bathtub is a rubbermaid bucket
7. Ride a bicycle because gas is too expensive
Though, these could just be a sign that this is a depression not a recession.
1:47 pm on July 20th, 2010
Ah come on guys! Im an attractive lady an I don’t see anything wrong with paper plates.If you come to my place an I offer you something to eat,I will ask you if you mind paper plates! I would also say its less cleaning up an more time spent with you. Guys don’t give up on the paper plates,it is kind of sexy if a guy uses them.I like non-traditional men. If we women are interested,we are not looking at your paper plates!!! We are looking at you.
2:05 pm on July 20th, 2010
I just spoke to a guy friend of mine an we discussed the paper plate thingy here on the phone.He said “Graduate to foam plates,there stronger,sometimes docorative an your food doesn’t fall through the plate onto the floor.” His take. The velcro shoes on this page sucks but Im from AZ an I agree with iheartubuntu above. Although the only thing velcro I own in a wallet for my handbag.I agree with the non-velcro wallet for a man. BUT its not my business what he carrys his money in.Girls don’t fixate on the look of a mans wallet.
2:09 pm on July 20th, 2010
Paper plates + plastic utensils at home = some one who doesn’t give a shit about generating huge amounts of waste.
Maybe if you’re American this is OK (because they contribute to the worlds majority of waste anyway), but anyone who gives a damn needs to buy a dishwasher if they really can’t be arsed.
2:18 pm on July 20th, 2010
Number 8 – spending time on this website.
2:25 pm on July 20th, 2010
Ok…enough of the paper plate bashing. #7 should’ve been, if you wash and reuse the paper/plastic dinnerware for longer than one week.
2:50 pm on July 20th, 2010
Paper plates???? Who needs paper plates? That’s why I just eat over the sink. Added bonus is you generate less garbage.
3:09 pm on July 20th, 2010
First of all, I don’t care what you keep your money in, as long as it isn’t a purse. And using the word “retarded”? Really? Grow up. That goes with your own advice of “Faulty Brain-to-Mouth Filter.”
And paper plates – as long as you have something that functions as dinnerware and it’s clean, I have NO problem with it.
3:29 pm on July 20th, 2010
My ride is all matter of fucked up but it screams TERROR so I hook up with metal and goth bitches alot.
3:36 pm on July 20th, 2010
Basically anything that says I care more about saving money and my own energy than her valuable effing opinion… maybe the world would be a better place if we all gave up on getting laid.
3:56 pm on July 20th, 2010
Fucking awesome! I will enjoy this website every day now
3:59 pm on July 20th, 2010
aww danm that brain to mouth thing got me lol
4:33 pm on July 20th, 2010
You missed one, its a George Carlin line and its about hygiene. The 3 most important parts of your body to wash – your mouth, pits and crouch.
4:40 pm on July 20th, 2010
Hmm. By your own logic, Andy and Bruce, neither one of you are getting any. That’s harsh, man. *shakes head in pity*
4:51 pm on July 20th, 2010
Dude, who wrote this crap? Some unemployed 30/40something year old chick who is out of touch with current YOUNG male/female dynamics?
I swear it sounds like someone who got stuck in the 80′s… and forgot to ask if anyone cares about their opinion. Sheesh….
Sounding like an annoying prick and lacking a punch line is not being comedic or funny.
4:57 pm on July 20th, 2010
I have to laugh at this article…especially at the person who wrote it.
The real world doesn’t work this way.
5:32 pm on July 20th, 2010
I’m so far past even trying to get laid that I can’t even care about these signs anymore…
5:46 pm on July 20th, 2010
This article is terrible. If this is what Playboy is trying to pass off as a SFW affiliate this is a big swing and a miss. Good luck… soon to be “Hustler presents: Playboy”
5:59 pm on July 20th, 2010
Awesome!
Who in the World would seriously use paper plates? ….And who would proudly admit to having velcro on your shoes? Interesting.
6:44 pm on July 20th, 2010
Hilarious! Fantastic website!
7:05 pm on July 20th, 2010
Dear “Andy”,
You sound like a bitchy little tofu-loving-commie. You come to this site.Hate it.You click this article. Hate it AND insult us and the author. Yet you’re still here? Why not come and try to find me;your balls? Time for a little self-reflection my balless friend
Much love,
Your Balls
7:35 pm on July 20th, 2010
This is hardly SFW. If you’re boss catches you looking at this stuff on company time, you’re toast.
7:36 pm on July 20th, 2010
paper\plastic eating utensils suck! I will never use them unless I have no other choice. Do the f*ing dishes people!!!It only takes 5 minutes.
8:01 pm on July 20th, 2010
Someone has a spycam in my apartment. Most of the above can be found there or on me. So what gives? Are you trying to state I’ll never get laid? I’m only 34. I’m waiting for the right woman to knock on my door and say “Take me stud.” In the meantime, I’ll sit here playing Xbox in my velcro sandals and elastic waist shorts. Thanks all.
8:05 pm on July 20th, 2010
Let me get this straight: Someone’s defending velcro shoes because they’re the IN thing in SoCal? I recall Ed Hardy being the IN thing not long ago too. At least no one’s singing the praises of messy urination. Yet.
10:40 pm on July 20th, 2010
“Faulty Brain-to-Mouth Filter” …could anyone explain better? English is not my native language, the title, neither the text explains anything to me…
Thanks in advance for the help.
11:59 pm on July 20th, 2010
Paper plates show now class. They say: I am too lazy to wash dishes yet too cheap to get a dishwasher and too environmentally irresponsible to recognize or care about blatant waste.
But that’s OK and velcro in a wallet isn’t? What sort of women are inspecting the operation of mens’ wallets to make sure there is no velcro in there?
12:40 am on July 21st, 2010
Hilarious! Paper and plastic is pretty true, what about just re-using the same one while you’re at it? I’m not the only one, surely..
1:06 am on July 21st, 2010
Paper and plastic.. Im sure only American uses those. The country where everything is big, especially waste.
2:01 am on July 21st, 2010
I thought all these attributes are usually more in common with someone Married with Children or the recently Divorced
2:16 am on July 21st, 2010
now i know why i don’t get laid
3:17 am on July 21st, 2010
ok, i can see i have passed the test. so i am in. ROTFL
4:21 am on July 21st, 2010
Im a hot chick and paper plates are so unattractive in a man. I will not even look at a man’s peis if he uses them.
4:27 am on July 21st, 2010
Classic lol
4:41 am on July 21st, 2010
I believe some people are missing the point when it comes to this topic, lol. This defines your attitude about life as in how lazy or competent you are. Paper plates are easy to deal with, but a man who doesn’t mind taking a few minutes washing the dishes is more than likely a person who will go the extra mile! In more ways than one…
Cheers!
~JHL
5:32 am on July 21st, 2010
oh my god i have never heard such a load of fuckin bolox in my entire life an the prime minister of GB is David Cameron so i hear bullshit all day everyday, id go through these points in full and tell say one by one why there bullshit but i wont waste my or your time so heres a lil checklist
vecro: are u fukin serious? its not that people think SHIT i cant deal with shoelaces some people think it looks good you no individuality?? ahh i forget this sites from playboy you dont no what that word means
Teeth: you heard of gingervitus?? what u catch that an your lifes over? get fuked
Vehicle: entire bullshit some people like there car to look a mess, i no a guy whos got a rusted ford capri looks sic
Being a dick: if your dick then thers no hope so thers no point in that being a point
Elastic waistbands: you do know there are clothes that are elasticated that dont look it dont you? including jeans with elasticated waistbands AND a belt
Missing: who the fuk doesnt clean up piss in there own house seriously
paper and plastic: well next time u have a propa house party, you know you get the dj get a food spread going on, get the drugs an booze going il come round the next day and watch u wash up for 8 hours an then clean up the broken plates, everythin has its fukin use
use your brain n use shit in context
jeez
6:24 am on July 21st, 2010
Hilarious – I qualify on all 8 counts especially the lousy aim!
7:39 am on July 21st, 2010
The base concept of this article is good, I’m going to try to improve on it with my own list. Because it can happen, sometimes people (me,you) have given up or aren’t bothered about it, sometimes we have gotten lucky and ride the gravy train, and sometimes we find ourselves back in the mix and polishing our shit up to play ball.
You know it’s time for an about face when:
1. You’re eating too much and not exercising like you don’t care anymore
2. Drinking excessively when out or smoking too much pot to be able to talk to chicks, and for icing on the cake not going light on the smokes
3. Dressing like crap, unless it works for you
4. Not even trying to talk to a chick when she has definitely tugged at your ‘go’ strings
5. Not smiling, not exuding confidence, hunkering down shoulders in a slump
6. Not maintaining the homefront for guests of the sexual kind
7. Residing in the pale comfort zone where friends and family do enough of the trick to get you by for social contact
Gut in, chest out, whack it before you leave the house, walk right up to that chick in the grocery store and scream yo
8:51 am on July 21st, 2010
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9:21 am on July 21st, 2010
Sorry guys, but unless you’re trying to fuck a mother of three, paper plates and plastic utensils is NOT the way to impress a woman.
10:26 am on July 21st, 2010
This article is stupid!!
11:51 am on July 21st, 2010
I use paper plates instead of toilet paper !
11:57 am on July 21st, 2010
I can’t believe people are so lazy that you have to eat with disposible plates and cutlery. What does it save you? Having to wash 1-2 dishes. It is a turn off because it shows laziness. Besides.. Its not very environmentally responsible.
12:56 pm on July 21st, 2010
I swear to God, my wife bought the plastic dinnerware, not me.
12:57 pm on July 21st, 2010
Hi peeps,
Let’s say you have 5 out of 7 doomsday index, or 6 out of 7… then, are there compensating measures you can take? For example you have just increased your dick size with 3 to 4 inches and you just bought new sexy underwear or sumting like that?
7:16 pm on July 21st, 2010
My God! I must throw my velcro shoes away.
8:57 pm on July 21st, 2010
Shoes with velcro do make you look strange, if you are in Tokyo, you will find many elderly man wear that.
9:37 pm on July 21st, 2010
“The last one is silly. Many people use plastic utensils to eat instead of getting out their regular dishware”
Please tell me I’m not the only one to notice the conceptual contradiction.
2:13 am on July 22nd, 2010
who gives a shit if you pee on the floor with some bad aim, what do you think happens when you get shit faced?? if a girl is coming over she should at least call and you can clean it up than. forget paper plates, eat out of the pot like a man!
3:18 pm on July 22nd, 2010
the plastic wear has to do with being on a date and you use plastic or paper
3:24 pm on July 22nd, 2010
oh my god you lazy assholes, buy some cheap flatware and plastic plates and wash your goddamned dishes. it doesn’t need to be fine china. are you telling me you seriously eat all your meals on paper plates? what in the fuck
7:16 pm on July 23rd, 2010
Is this shit serious? Have any of you actually been over to a girl’s house before? If they’re young, you can bet you’re ass they’ll be using the paper plates because lets face it, it’s not just guys who can be lazy. Besides, what the fuck does it really matter anyway? If that’s a serious complaint of a woman if she comes over to my place I’ll tell her to get the fuck out and never talk to me again. That’s such a blatantly stupid thing to complain about and if you’re really that upset about someone using a paper plate or two then grow the fuck up.
3:54 pm on July 25th, 2010
The other issue here in IndianaNoPlace for non-custodial parents who’ve given up on dating is finances.
After paying child support, court ordered health insurance coverage for my children, and buying things out-of-pocket for my children that should be covered by child support, I’m just trying to hang on until my kids are emancipated so that I can stop being an indentured servant and start taking care of myself again.
1:30 pm on July 26th, 2010
LMFAO! This is right on. I meet so many of these guys
9:12 am on July 27th, 2010
Wait, people in the US actually use paper plates and such to eat dinner on? Really? That’s pretty much the stupidest thing I have ever heard.
3:30 pm on August 5th, 2010
AHAHAH OMG LMAO…this SOOOOO TRUE!
1:43 pm on August 11th, 2010
Great list!
Guilty of FAULTY BRAIN-TO-MOUTH FILTER
11:03 am on September 20th, 2010
You forgot hygiene. Soap is cheap. List is a good start though.
6:35 am on October 4th, 2010
I like Stephan’s 7 list.
7:56 pm on October 17th, 2010
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2:53 pm on October 22nd, 2010
Hello!
9:33 am on October 23rd, 2010
1:54 am on October 29th, 2010
To tell the truth, I’am voiceless. The Shawshank Redemption is marvelous. I’am not too old movie fan, in fact, this movie come out whenI was very young, and therefore I am more accustomed movies with improbable special effects, edge-of-your-seat action, et cetera. This film has none of that, and however, it close to me . Way Frank Darabont applies the narration of Red to drive on the story, the excellent the film music used (note the mouth harp used merely earlier Red receiving the letter close to the end). The whole film, from start to closing, from actions to music, is a beacon of hope, judgement, and repurchase. The cast is mastered, Morgan Freeman(Red) actually brings about a refreshing feel to the film, and that is exactly what the film is, what a movie should be. Really recommended for each and everyone.
5:27 pm on December 17th, 2010
Bad teeth? Screw off. After having insurance companies pay more then 1,000 a YEAR for dental coverage (only pays 50%) which is used up in 1 root canal..
Root Canal = 400-600 dollars
Crown = 600-900 Dollars
With no promise that they’ll last. If they fail in 2 days you’ll pay for the next repair.
Screw this list.
8:35 pm on December 18th, 2010
FFS moderate your comments! The last 10 before this are all spambots. I’ve thumbed you down in StumbleUpon because of it.
2:52 am on June 15th, 2011
Oooo, I nailed 4 out of 7. Where’s that fork at?
10:36 pm on July 25th, 2011
To all the people who are like yelling at the person who wrote this, it’s just a comedy thing, and they’re just signs, not if you do these, you definitely have given up.
3:52 pm on July 27th, 2011
Was with you right till the end, The Paper plates stay. They’re used for that quick lunch I have at the house on occasion. If you’re gonna grade me on my dishware then you’ll have to wait till morning, the dishware only comes out for breakfast in bed. ;p
12:07 am on July 31st, 2011
Hey D-Rock. Are you the same D-Rock from USF Tampa? This is Ankoor’s friend Rick
2:05 pm on July 31st, 2011
I’m thinking that this dude is gay, some of it makes sense, but what the hell with leather shoes, and paper plates, that could only bother a gay man.
1:56 pm on August 4th, 2011
God forbid the women should put forth some effort, or judge a man by his character. You know, the same thing women demand of males?
8:22 am on September 21st, 2011
Agreed, the base is good. The content is crap.
I met a super hot girl. Was driving a really shit car. My teeth are fcked. When i invited her for dinner, guess what… we ate out of paper plates. I was wearing elastic band shorts. My wallet has valcro.
And now? Well years later im married to this babe. My grill is sorted and i drive better car. All materialistic shit she did not give two fucks about. Because unlike you, life is whats important. Not some fucking shit you buy in a store.
10:41 pm on September 24th, 2011
Hehe. Well, any girl worth having won’t give a darn about anything on this list, if they get the chance to see the nice person behind it all. When I met my boyfriend he smoked too much, had nothing, had bad teeth, and was way too shy to make a move on me for a long time. I didn’t care. I wasn’t perfect either. Forget this guys, it’s just meant to be funny, and doesn’t really mean nobody will love you.
I’d say these things are more likely to stop you from having a one night stand with a really hot, shallow, stuck-up chick than really finding a girlfriend (maybe that’s all you’re after, what do I know? but if she just wants to get off, she will not give a crap about your plates).
10:05 am on October 7th, 2011
I’m dead meat I guess. I hit 5 out of 7.
10:06 am on October 7th, 2011
I must be dead meat. I hit 5 out of 7
5:02 pm on November 10th, 2011
What About Plastic Plates?? Yay To Throw Away Landfill Throwaway Junk! Although It’s Really Not Too Good For This Earth, They All Say, But, I Like Plastic Plates Too, Yay! I Am Age 39 And I’m Tired Of All The Loser Men Anyways, All The Loser Men Are Just Tired To Me Now….yay to throw away landfill junk…It’s Gonna All Be Eventually Circling This Damned Earth Like Rings Someday Anyways….Someday All This Junk Is Gonna Be Circling The Earth Anyways….from elise renee gingerich age 39 Lawrence Kansas USA