When you boil a man down to his core essence, the desire to get laid drives everything. Without it, there is no motivation to excel, succeed or be relevant. Whether or not he actually gets laid isn’t important. Even a married man who has no interest in bedding down other women must possess this desire, otherwise he will surely lapse into the abyss of a nondescript existence, a fate that is absolutely worse than death. Here are seven telltale signs that you’ve simply given up on impressing the opposite sex, and thus, given up on life. If any of these pertain to you, do something about it. Now.
The Presence of Velcro
Shoes that stay on with a couple strips of Velcro are highly recommended—for the elderly, the retarded or the shitfaced. If you’re none of those three, learn how to deal with a fucking pair of shoelaces. Or a shoehorn, at least. And if your wallet closes with a strip of Velcro, just end it already. What are you, 12? A grown man’s wallet has no hooks or loops, and it’s made of something called leather. Look into it.
A Fucked-Up Grill
If you have missing teeth, rotting teeth, fizzing teeth, teeth that are no longer teeth but disgusting black nubs, make it your no. 1 priority to get to a dentist and have that shit taken care of. You don’t have to go to Elliott Yamin extremes, but the second you stop caring about the condition of your chicklets, you might as well forget about being within arm’s length of a naked woman ever again.
A Dilapidated Ride
If you’re gonna commit to owning a vehicle, you must also commit all available monies (and available credit if necessary) to making sure it has a functioning muffler, is free of demolition-derby-size dents, has matching wheels and/or hubcaps, etc. And unless you’re on a stakeout, toss the fast food wrappers, coffee cups and used condoms into the proper receptacles pronto.
Faulty Brain-to-Mouth Filter
Going for broke is a studly thing to do—when you’re participating in a best-ball golf tournament or shooting craps at a Las Vegas casino. But when you sense some chemistry with a woman and you come at her with “so would you be open to an afternoon movie and you sucking my cock afterward” or “my friend and I would like to fuck you back at our hotel, at the same time,” verbalizing such scenarios is all you’ll ever do.
There’s a reason why underwear has them and outerwear shouldn’t. Because they’re not meant to be seen, chief! Unless you’re at the gym, wearing sweatpants in public (or worse, wearing jeans or slacks that have elastic anywhere in the waistband region) screams to the world that you’re too lazy or fat to enlist or require the services of a belt.
Your Aim Sucks
Leaving droplets of pee on the toilet seat, the rim of the toilet bowl and the surrounding floor in a public restroom doesn’t automatically eliminate you from the ranks of guys who get laid. But when you do so in your own home, you simply don’t care anymore. You’re really gonna expose a woman to that mess? Here’s a tip: you can wipe more than just your ass with toilet paper. Try it sometime.
Using Paper AND Plastic
Certain things should never be used inside the home. Gas-powered generators, for example. Because they’ll kill you. The same goes for plastic eating utensils, paper plates and anything else that might be utilized to consume food at a picnic. The sheer sloth of using this stuff under your own roof is beyond comprehension. If you find yourself doing so, go ahead and stick a plastic fork in your dick, because it’s done.