7 Reasons Why L.A.R.P. Can Save Your Marriage

Nothing makes everyone else (besides your spouse) more attractive than being married – so says Ashton Kutcher, Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen, Ethan Hawk, Sean Penn, … our point being is that married guys can be total sluts.  Fake scientific studies just to have a clever opening paragraph prove that if you’re a guy your potential to be an uncontrollable whore doubles after you’re married.  If traditional methods like marriage counseling hasn’t worked and your inner ho is still threatening to work the corner whenever there’s an issue in your relationship, zip up your pants, stop undressing us with your eyes and keep reading.  We believe going the non-traditional route of  ”larping” with your spouse could be the secret to saving your marriage and killing your man skank tendencies.

Wait. Don’t leave. It’s not nearly as messy as it sounds.

L.A.R.P, stands for L.ive A.ction. R.ole P.laying.  It’s where you play a game as a fictional character in a fictional setting/world with other characters involved in the game. Remember the time you taped a handle on a toilet paper roll, called it a sword and killed your best friend slash fire breathing dragon?  LARP is essentially what THAT was …except now you have facial hair and regularly scheduled prostate exams are in your near future.
Here’s 7 Reasons why we think Larping is the new chastity belt … or shall we say Chaz belt. (Eh? See what we did there??)

Temptation Zero

We’re not suggesting that girl larpers are all trolls that only play the game because it’s the only environment where no one questions the huge hump on their back. We’re saying everyone who larps have huge humps on their back. We’re kidding. But let’s face it, your average, run of the mill hot girl isn’t running home after a hard day’s work so she can strap on her body armor and larp the night away. The man to woman ratio is still very much tilted towards the meat sausage in this arena. The lack of eye candy is a great environment for a fledgling floosy like yourself; and any lingering thoughts of cheating will also be rudely shoved out of the way when the manager from McDonald’s starts charging at you with his duct tape and particle board spear, wearing nothing but a loin cloth and a predatory sneer.

Time Consuming

Besides FINALLY having an excuse to wear that chain mail underwear out in public (THANK YOU!); larping can also go head to head with Facebook for being the biggest time suck ever in the history of time suckage. It involves intense character development, knowledge of the game, making the appropriate weapons, developing relationships and gathering clues to accomplish a task or goal set out by the Game Masters. It’s the complete opposite of coveting thy neighbor’s wife’s juicy doubles. And if all that information wasn’t enough to make you go flaccid, go the extra mile and start a game of your own. When you become a Game Master, you create the narrative of the game, make the rules and organize when and where the game should be played. Soon, the only thing that’ll arouse you is the promise of a large open field that’s available for a LARPing event during a weekend.

Quality Time

Oddly enough, clipping your toenails over the toilet when your wife’s shaving her legs in the tub isn’t what most people would call ‘quality time’ with your spouse. Larping together can give you both a common interest to get excited about. There are lots of things about larp that can appeal to both men and women. If we’re going by stereotypes (and we’re unapologetically doing so just to prove a point) Men like THE WEAPONS! Women like the DRESSING UP! And both like playing and the social interaction with the other happy larpers. The possibilities of the game are endless so you’ll always have something new to do and different things to share with each other which eventually leads to…

Better Communication

The key to any good marriage is communication but after a couple of years – the daily routine turns every day into Groundhog day and soon, the only communication you have with your spouse consists of grunts, snorts and some occasional twitching. Larp allows both of you to share in a new experience in a fantasy world as completely different people (with super powers and mallets!) This type of role playing will not only get you talking to each other again using actual words and stuff with minimal grunting, but it can also put some much needed diversion from the daily grind.

The Feel Good Hero

Remember that one episode where Superman faxes over his inventory reports to his supervisor attends a group meeting about the company’s financial forecast for the next fiscal year and then throws back a few beers with his co-workers at the Olive Garden? Of course you do, because it wasn’t really an episode of Superman, it was a pretty accurate description of yesterday, tomorrow and two years from now for an everyday non-superhero person. There isn’t a lot of opportunity for a modern guy to be a hero to his wife that there isn’t already an app for. And let’s face it, your pickle jar opening skills and stories about how you almost made it onto the Olympic badminton team doesn’t quite drop her panties like it used to. The great thing about larping is it taps into your retro hero when you engage in battle and duels with other players. Okay, so maybe being armed with a high density foam sword and a pleather breast plate you bought on Amazon isn’t EXACTLY how it used to be back in the day, but your new larp hero persona has to be more attractive to your wife than your ‘let’s see if I can eat this entire gallon of ice cream without using utensils’ alter ego.

Boom Chicka Wah Waah….

It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to see that the role playing outside could easily trickle back into the bedroom. Sure, you know everything about your wife, but her new larp character “Quinn” is someone new you just met a couple months ago and it seems like she really digs you. Tee hee! It’s like getting to know your spouse all over again… except this time she’s sporting a metal studded corset with elf ears that could easily wind up on the bedroom floor if you play your cards right.

Feel Like Kids Again

Dressing up and playing a fantasy game in another world that doesn’t exist? THAT’S our suggestion to improving your marriage?! And we reluctantly say.. .uh yeah – sure why not? We are positive that maybe, possibly there’s a small chance that this could 100 percent work. Because unlike marriage counseling, reading books, doing ‘love assignments,’ like starting sentences with “I feel…” instead of “YOU’RE draining the life out of my penis….,”larp adds something called ‘FUN’ into the mix.  When your marriage is in the shitter, having fun with your wife sounds about as impossible as enjoying a piece of cake in a port-a-potty but it can be done. (‘it’ as in having fun with your wife, not eating cake in a port-a-potty – although if it’s one of those large ones with the built in sinks, that’s totally doable too.)

Seriously though, have you ever seen a kid play dress up and then cry in the corner about how their emotional needs aren’t being met? No, because dressing up and playing pretend is fun and larping gives you back that freedom of dressing up without the fear of being involuntarily checked into the psych ward by your neighbors. It also allows you and your wife to take yourselves out of the very real world of bills, kids, the 9 to 5 workhorse, and the one thousandth discussion about ‘where your relationship is going.’ As a couple, you can immerse yourself completely in a fantasy world where hopefully you’ll not only be victorious in the game but victorious in finding what made both of you get hard-ons for each other in the first place.

Written by Elaine Chaney, low on credibility, high on energy drinks.  Follow her on Twitter or read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted..,