Christmas: a time of peace, togetherness and raging erections. What, you don’t get hard for the holidays? Well there’s an entire marketing demographic that does, as demonstrated by all the products that will eliminate any lingering trace of childhood wonder Christmas once held for you.
1. Christmas Vibrators
Candy canes and vibrators have a lot in common. They both go into orifices and, uh… actually, that’s pretty much it. But that’s more than enough for the sex toy industry to work with.
We can’t begin to imagine the mentality of people who would buy that. There’s nothing wrong with getting a vibrator, but aren’t candy canes more for kids? Are there women out there saying to themselves, “I want to take my fond childhood memories of eating candy canes and stick them up my vagina?”
We can laugh all we want, but whoever these people are they’re buying them—as we write this the vibrators are on backorder.
At least they’ll ship in time for Christmas, because they’re sure to make great stocking stuffers. You’ll certainly feel some Joy to the World if you use one. But you won’t have a Silent Night! Sorry, we’ll stop.
They’ll get you wet for Wenceslas.
2. Erotic Tree Ornaments
Making a Christmas tree erotic is no easy task, but many ornament makers have taken up the challenge. And then failed miserably.
Erotic ornaments (or pornaments, as you’d call them if you have no dignity), are surprisingly common—enough so that Amazon has a section dedicated to them. They can be your one stop shop for tree dicks:
The hook going through the head inadvertently creates a lot of unfortunate imagery.
Lesbians making out:
And reindeer fucking:
There are dozens more, but we’re going to stop there because looking at them makes us feel… unclean. Just think—as you read this, perverts around the world are hanging boobs on their Christmas trees and thinking, “Yes, this feels more festive now.”
God, it’s like it’s staring at us.
3. Adult Christmas Crackers
Christmas crackers are lame, but that’s kind of their charm. The paper hat, the stupid joke, the useless treat you immediately throw away… it just wouldn’t be Christmas without them. So there’s really no need to replace their contents with condoms and anthropomorphic penises:
Wouldn’t you just love to rip open a cracker and be rewarded with a boob keychain? Or get the post-dinner fun started with a good old fashioned game of Sensual Dice! And if nothing there strikes your fancy, don’t worry—you have options.
You know how some Christmas crackers come with whistles? Well, these whistles are shaped like genitals. Go ahead, blow into that vagina. It’s the closest you’ll be getting to one anytime soon.
Idiotic contents aside, it seems inevitable that someone would mix up their crackers, giving out paper crowns to their Christmas orgy guests and dick whistles to the kid’s table at dinner. Then the next thing you know you’re giving the sex talk in front of your entire extended family, cementing your reputation as the creepy uncle who ruined Christmas forever.
4. Innuendo Laden Christmas Songs
Look, we’re all sick of Christmas carols. We know the story of Rudolph inside and out, we never want to jingle another bell and we no longer give a fuck if Bing Crosby has a white Christmas or not. But that does not mean we need pop stars trying to revitalize the genre by sexing it up. As proof, we offer “Christmas Tree,” an aural abomination from Lady Gaga.
Yeesh. Imagine that playing at the mall for six weeks. Rudolph doesn’t sound so bad now, does he? Better than listening to Gaga telling us that her “Christmas tree’s delicious.” What does that even mean? Is she comparing her vagina to a pine tree?
5. Sexy Christmas Cookies
Were you one of those weird kids who, when given gingerbread men, slammed them together and pretended they were doing it? No? Uh… neither were we. But one of those kids grew up and wrote a book about it:
As the name implies, the book features positions from the Kama Sutra acted out with gingerbread men (and women). Many positions are covered, but it only takes one to ruin gingerbread men for you forever.
Aw, look at those little guys. They’re perfect for wrecking bake sales, and they’d make great visual aids for pedophiles. Of course, much like sex itself, there’s a sharp contrast from what the pictures show you and what you can actually achieve:
Oh yeah, don’t you want to put one of those in your mouth? Look, it’s already a little creepy to be eating a cookie shaped like a man; cookies that look like two corpses burned beyond recognition boning go well beyond our comfort zone.
6. Adult Christmas Cards
In our fast paced modern world, Christmas cards are an anachronism. Receiving one is a quaint reminder of a bygone era when life was a little simpler. Unless you get an “adult” card—then all you’re being reminded of is that the people you know are perverts.
Adult cards range from the mildly filthy:
To the incredibly filthy:
To the “We can’t show you these cards because they’re literally just pictures of women masturbating/fully erect guys with some holiday saying tacked on.”
Kind of like the above, but with more boners. Because nothing says “Wishing you all the best this holiday season” like some ripped black dude waving his ten inch dick around. Or you could go the classy route and invite your recipient to blow you:
We guess “Merry Christmas, please have sex with me!” was too on the nose.
7. Christmas Erotica
Masturbating in a dark, empty apartment gets even lonelier than usual around Christmas, which means you’ll need some seriously hot material to lift you out of your funk. Yuletide fire hot. So put on some Christmas music, grab a cup of hot chocolate and try not to cry too much as you use one hand to read The Twelve Quickies of Christmas.
Read about a woman who does one of Santa’s sexy elves, broken marriages saved with Christmas miracles (and Christmas coitus), and plenty of people in Santa suits boning. Or skip to volume two of the series and enjoy an insane X-rated rendition of The Nutcracker Prince:
“Melflouise Fairnight, once an archer in the elf militia, now a kitchen maid in the palace of the Sugar Plum Fairy wanted only to catch a glimpse of the secretive Nutcracker Prince. She never dreamed he’d desire her, or that his loving could free the elf song she’d kept caged since her husband’s death.”
Now, on the highly unlikely chance you can’t get off to the adventures of Melflouise Fairnight, widowed elf archer, there’s no need to worry—there are many, many more Christmas erotica collections available. The variety is endless—all they have in common is their tacky names.
If you’ve always thought A Christmas Carol would be more poignant if it was about embracing BDSM, then Naughty or Nice is the book for you. But why should we spoil too much when you can read a good chunk of it online for free? Merry Christmas!