By Kyle Dowling + George Warden
Here’s a true fact: We dig our TV characters. Like a lot. Here are a few dudes we could stand to learn a few tricks from, and/or who we should hire plastic surgeons to make us into their lookalikes so we can have impersonator careers when our own lives fall apart. That’s right. TSJ’s bringing you one step closer to second-hand fame. High five.
1. Don Draper
(Aka, Dick Whitman.) Mad Men’s Don Draper is a triple threat. He’s so hot just thinking about it makes you wonder if you’re still straight (thanks for that, Jon Hamm). Plus, Draper’s all-around sharp AND he’s savvy with the broads… minus his wives, but that’s what the old ball and chains are for, are we right. The bastard is the epitome of the Madison Avenue made man of the ‘60s (minus any dandyism) and he’s got the zippy power suits and the slicked back hairgoop to match his bravado.
A history of Jon Hamm’s attractiveness as documented on Ellen
MOVES TO STEAL: We could all take a tip from Don’s notebook… Scratch that — what we’re gonna do is rip that notebook out of his chumpy palms. Money-making schemes and go-go girls’ numbers are just what the doctor ordered.
2. Jack Shephard
Speaking of doctors. Over at number 2 we have our Lost-and-found buddy, reluctant hero Jack Shephard. The dude who looks funny when he cries and sometimes breathes heavily, randomly, what we dig about Jack Shephard, from ABC’s Lost, was that he was the go-to guy with all the answers, mainly due to the fact that he was a doc… not a bad leg-up to have on the deserted island competition. (Mental note: Graduate from med school before getting stranded on a deserted island.)
MOVES TO STEAL: As the series progressed, Jack Shephard went from normie medic to leader to MANIAC. So basically the arc of the perfect dude. You get authority, and then you nut out. All. The. Fun.
Caveat: Remember him the way he was. He’s all stringy now. Today’s lesson: Not every bromance lasts 4ever, boyos.
3. Walter White
How good is Breaking Bad? It’s too good. And mostly that’s because Bryan Cranston’s character, Walter White, is a fucking badass. Walter’s bald-headed inner demon is a crazed genius that we all love to watch.
MOVES TO STEAL: Who doesn’t wish they could cook anything the way this Einstein cooks meth?
4. Stringer Bell
HBO’s The Wire is the best show ever. Probably. And the Stringer Bell character was up there as being the best on the series… until his unfortunate demise. RIP Stringer.
Having the brains of a professor with the wits and guts of a Baltimore dealer, Britain’s own Idris Elba (Right!? He’s British!?) delivered a kickass performance and we should do everything in our power to be exactly like him.
The Wire: How business is DONE
MOVES TO STEAL: Stringer Bell treated the drug hustle like a straight-up business. Also, he made some decent bank on it. So like, yeah. Don’t sell your weed from the seat of a BMX, dude. ?
5. Hank Moody
You’ve gotta love David Duchovny’s portrayal of the troubled-writer/immature-pa on Showtime’s Californication. We all feel for Hank Moody: The man’s his own worst enemy, and he wants things to get normal-like, but there’s no real normal in the Moody universe.
Alpha male behavior from Californication (note the line “muff punch with a typewriter”)
MOVES TO STEAL: Moody has gravitas, he has a way with people. The words he chooses are carefully selected to get a rise out of whoever he’s talking to — his agent, his daughter, his ladies, his randoms. We could all use some of that manipulative confidence. Start lying? Lay out some jibes? Yeah. Do that. But suavely.
6. Larry David
Larry David. The guy is worth over $500 million so maybe he knows how to do a thing or two. Or we’re just obsessed with the man. Whatever it is, we can all benefit from listening to him, and we should do everything we can to turn ourselves into his clone army. (On the inside. We mean on the INSIDE.) TV ‘Larry’ might seem over-the-top, but look at what the dude can teach us about the little idiosyncrasies of our society that normally go by unnoticed.
“Curb Your Enthusiasm”: The Big Vagina
MOVES TO STEAL: The awkward shuffle. The ladies they love that shit. Okay, okay, maybe don’t steal the shuffle. But there’s nothing wrong with sporting a cardigan. Don’t say we never gave you nuthin’.