Pregnancy is the reason sex exists, though for thousands of years humankind has created inventive ways to avoid that outcome before they wanted kids. But like Jeff Goldblum says, in Jurassic Park, life will find a way. Sometimes it comes in the form of sperm swimming from a stab wound into a womb, but many times it’s a crazy woman hell bent on having a kid. Below are six stories that will make you want to track your sperm like its liquid gold.
1. Man receives oral sex from girlfriend, girlfriend saves sperm to impregnate herself later on
In 1999, Dr. Richard Phillips started dating Dr. Sharon Irons, an internist. A little doctor on doctor dating is not one bit surprising, at least if dramas like ER and Grey’s Anatomy are based on real life.
Dr. Irons (the lady doc) led Dr. Phillips (the man doc) to believe she was divorced from her husband. They fell in love. They got engaged. They discussed children. Dr. Phillips didn’t want kids till he was married, he said. It seemed like they were both cool with that. They were religious-like, and they didn’t even engage in pre-martial sex, and they only had three “incidences” of oral sex.
During one of those “sessions,” Lady Doc kept Man Doc’s sperm in her mouth, chipmunk style, so she could impregnate herself.
She later admitted to Dr. Phillips that she’d lied about being divorced, leading him to break the engagement. Dr. Phillip was free… until he was slapped with a child support claim.
Despite suing for damages, the law required Dr. Phillips pay for child support for the child he never intended to have. Even in the civil case Dr Phillips was at a loss, as the sperm was considered a “gift” since he didn’t wear a condom to save it.
2. Sperm travels from stomach to ovaries
Well, suppose you are dating a woman she’s all spitting out or swallowing down your sperm. You’re in the clear, right?
In the country of Lesotho, in Africa, a 15-year-old teen came into the hospital in labor. Not just any regular labor, turns out. The woman in question was born with Mullerian agenesis, a condition in which she didn’t develop a vagina. The doctors were stunned and had many questions as to how she’d gotten pregnant at all.
It was a terrible story, turns out. Here’s what happened: Nine months before the pregnancy, the teen was giving a blow job to her boyfriend when a jealous ex-boyfriend attacked her with a knife in the stomach. The stab wound emptied her stomach contents (sperm included) into her abdomen and the sperm managed to fight its way into her. While the entire experience sounds completely traumatic and horrifying for the young woman, it, nonetheless resulted in a kind of miracle baby in Africa.
3. Man stops paying to freeze sperm, wife hoards up sperm and impregnates herself without man’s consent
So suppose the only way to get pregnant is in vitro fertilization, so accidental pregnancy or chipmunk antics aren’t a risk? If your sperm’s only in the procreative mood when it’s trapped in a tube, you should be safe, right?
So thought Mr. Deon Francois. He and his wife had frozen sperm at NYU hospital, but their marriage hit the skids and they divorced. Francois figured if he didn’t pay to have his sperm frozen, NYU would just throw it out. No problem, right?
Maybe that kind of lazy attitude was the cause of the couple’s breakup? In any case, his wife paid to keep the sperm alive, and she had a baby with it. She claimed her ex signed a notarized sperm release form, while he claims she forged the document. As of the report in 2005, Mrs. Francois was pregnant again by in vitro.
4. You can legally be the father of a child that’s not yours and you knew nothing about
How can you be legally responsible for a kid that’s not yours and you nothing about? It’s a story of bureaucratic rules worthy of Kafka. Such is the case with Francisco Rodriguez, who was ordered to pay over $10,000 in past child support for a 15 year old girl he didn’t know about until the state went after him.
Rodriguez did what any person would do and got a DNA test proving he wasn’t the father. And unlike an episode of Maury, the his ex-girlfriend didn’t jump up and down and contest the results. She sent a letter to the court saying Rodriguez was not the father and asking the payment order be rescinded. But because Rodriguez didn’t put in paperwork contesting paternity, he was responsible.
An Oklahoma man faced a similar predicament when he didn’t get the papers at all. In Oklahoma, if anyone over 15 living in your residence receives the papers it’s considered the same as you receiving them. So the sole thing keeping you from years of child support may be a teenager or your stoner roommate’s ability to get you the court documents.
“Yeah, put it on the pile of unpaid bills.”
5. Sperm donors can be ordered to pay child support after lesbian divorce
So let’s say you intend to father children, but not take responsibility. We’re talking sperm donation. That was the case with man from Sweden in the 1990s. He was a progressive guy and agreed to donate sperm to a lesbian couple, with the understanding that they’d raise the kids and he’d visit every once in a while. It’s like the time share version of having children, only without maintenance fees.
All was well and good until a few years and three kids later. The two women pressured him into signing a document agreeing to paternity. He thought nothing of it, it got them off his back. But shortly after, the women divorced and the mother of the children demanded payments.
The judge had no sympathy for the man, saying he was still the father and had to pay up.
Should this dissuade guys from lending a hand to their lesbian friends needing sperm? No, but if you do, don’t sign anything without your lawyers, even the donor part of your driver’s license.
Donate organs? Yes. Donate Sperm and accept paternity? NO!!!
6. Israeli soldier dies, family sues for right to use sperm to make a child
While we’re on the subject of legal documents that concern your sperm, don’t forget your will. Yes, your sperm isn’t legally safe even when you are dead.
Kevian Cohen was an Israeli soldier killed by a sniper in 2002. His parents had sperm extracted from his body two hours after his death and frozen, and arranged for a surrogate mother. It took five years of lawsuits before they were granted the right to use it. In 2011 a new case came up, in which a family sought to use the sperm of their son who died in a workplace accident to make a grandchild.
Neither men had partners and if the thought of having kids after death bothers you, you might want to call up your lawyer. You never know if a bus might hit you, leaving only your fertile sperm to carry on your legacy.
I bequeath my sperm to my most favorite sock Red, may it remind him of our good times.