Whether or not you think aliens are real (they are) or not (except THEY ARE.) there have been countless abduction stories that make it hard to deny that there might be something out there visiting us. From individual abductions like poor Betty and Barney Hill to abductions of entire colonies there’s tons of cases from past to present that can’t be explained away with the notion that they’re all tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists, drinking moonshine from the same jelly jar. Who knows? Maybe YOUR fear of heights, doctors, or Tyra Bank’s forehead stems from a forgotten abduction experience.
“And Crumgoarble’s Next Top Model is…”
If you suspect you’ve been an unwilling participant to an alien’s probe party, experiencing two or more of these signs could mean you’ve been abducted by aliens.
1. Missing Time/Black Outs
Many blackouts can occur for obvious reasons, getting hit on the head, heat exhaustion or two fisting Tequila Sunrises until it’s too late to realize that Tequila Sunrises taste like the vomit you’re going to fill your shoes with later that night. (ah college! Or Thursday.)
But black outs or missing time, that happen frequently, with the victim suddenly finding themselves someplace, not remembering how they got there and not being able to recall one or more hours of time, is one of the signs of a possible alien abduction. Aliens might be smart but surprisingly they don’t seem to be too detail oriented. For a species that want to remain anonymous, various abduction accounts show that they do some sloppy ass work by not returning people how they found them and in some cases, returning people completely devoid of clothes in a launder mat somewhere, five days later (jerks). Barring a drinking problem or accidentally sitting on your scroties, having multiple experiences of black outs/missing time (along with missing shorts) could be an indication that you’ve been taken.
2. Have Unusual Marks or Scars With No Explanation On How You Received Them
There’s a thing I call a ‘dimple’ that’s underneath my right eye and only shows up when I grimace to lift weights (and by weights I mean a double cheeseburger). Deep down, I’m sure my dimple isn’t a dimple but evidence of sample scrape made by an alien during his first day on the job. Odd divots, scars, deformities or marks that have no explanation as to why or how they got there is a red flag that maybe, you could’ve been scraped by an alien newbie and that somewhere in space, a piece of your knee is being cloned into another you, only with tighter abs and better vocabulary. Although, we hope the negligent alien that turned Vince Vaughn’s finger into a uncircumcised penis was fired.
That’s some shoddy work E.T.
3. Have a strong ‘marker memory’ that will not go away.
If you ask anyone who’s watched Exorcist what they remember most about that movie, they would probably say the scene where she crab crawls out of the well, her Edward James Olmosy face covered with wet hair. Wait, wrong movie. The point is, experiences that create great emotion or trauma will leave a ‘marker memory’ in your brain that you’ll always remember; much like how The Ring has us deathly afraid of Asian kids at the beach and dry skin.
Oil of Olay? Anyone?
If you’ve experienced an alien abduction, this would certainly fall under the category of a traumatic experience. So it’s not unusual for a victim to have a marker memory, with no recollection of when or where they’ve seen it. These images usually involve some sort of an examination table, bright lights, nightmares of a skinny baby, or memories of strange faces and could be tell-tale signs that you’ve been abducted.
4. Have awoken with soreness in your genitals/anus which cannot be explained
If you’re currently not somebody’s bitch behind the slammer and don’t participate in glory hole tours of the city, waking up with sore genitals/anus could be yet another indication that you’ve recently been violated by E.T. Based on recorded experiences, abductions sound a lot like a general physical that you would get from your doctor; only this doctor’s appointment has a little sprinkle of date rape in it. We’re not quite sure why these aliens feel the need to roughhouse with our parts, but apparently they do and sore genitals could be the aftermath of other worldly beings checking out your no-no holes and wondering why you don’t chew your corn properly.
5. Fear of eyes or dreaming of eyes such as animal eyes (like an owl or deer) staring at you.
The Fourth Kind brought to light the alleged abduction experiences of the people in Nome, Alaska. Several of the victims interviewed reported seeing a white owl staring at them through their windows before the abductions. It was assumed that these people were actually remembering the alien’s large eyes. Possible victims of an alien abduction have strong marker memories of eyes (because rumor has it these aliens have some epic orbs,) which in turn causes a fear or phobia of eyes in general, because who wouldn’t form an irrational fear when something like this challenges you to a staring contest?
Joke’s on you, we don’t even HAVE eyelids!
6. Having experienced unexplained paralysis, especially in bed.
Intelligent as they may be; physically, a little 10 year old girl could put your average, run-of-the-mill alien in a headlock and give it a wedgie; which is probably why paralysis is an alien’s favorite dart gun to use when they need to snatch us away in the middle of the night for a quick poke, probe and a possible anus GPS tracker insertion. (AKA: Tom Cruise’s dream date). Most people who do recall their abduction experience don’t remember the alien wooing and courting them out of their room with flowers and a brand new George Foreman grill (chivalry IS dead). Most of them; however, do remember having what could be described as a temporary paralysis overcome their body, becoming physically unable to move from their beds before being taken.
Skeptics excuse this as just a simple sleep paralysis because skeptics, as a collective group, are constipated and dead inside. While sleep paralysis is certainly a possibility, paralysis coupled with the other signs we’ve mentioned above could mean that most likely, your suspicions of having been visited by aliens may not be completely unfounded after all.And lucky you that you found out just in time for Christmas!
Written By Elaine Chaney: Friend to Aliens, Skeptic Eater, Foil Hat Maker.