It was announced this month that England’s Royal Highness, Prince William (not to be mistaken with America’s royal “highness” — Matthew McConaughey) and the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, have a royal crumpet toasting to perfection in her belly. If the Buddhists are right about reincarnation and there’s some kind of weird after-life lottery happening in the universe somewhere, this baby picked all the right numbers, and bought a few scratcher tickets to boot.
While Prince and Kate’s baby still doesn’t have much in the way of limbs or fingernails, here’s six reasons why a royal jellybean of a fetus is someone you should already be jealous of.
TAKE A LEFT AT THE PALACE
Even if you’re one of the privileged few to be living in a big house with more rooms than you have toes and your bathroom has one of those butt spray toilets that tosses your salad like a depraved sexual fiend right after you take a dump, you still cannot begin to compete with the awesome digs that baby WillKate is going to be moving into.
A baby’s first home is a special one, so you can imagine how extra special this baby’s going to be when its first home isn’t so much a “home” as it is a “PALACE.” From day one, the baby won’t know peasant words like “split-level” or “ranch style,” as far as he’s concerned, those could be names for gymnastics moves that only tiny Romanian tweens can do. The baby will only know about PALACES and CASTLES. Homes where the word “sprawling” has to be used to describe it and things like “left wings” and “right wings” doesn’t refer to the items in a KFC bucket, this baby will have several, having paid for none of them and yet, somehow owning all of them.
SPECIAL SKILLS NOT MANDATORY
That’s right, not only will the baby’s homes make your single family residence look like the piss soaked bum of houses, but it also doesn’t have to acquire any special skills to get that gold plated roof over his precious royal head because the baby’s toughest job of busting out from Prince William’s Yorkshire pudding pack to infiltrate Kate’s egg, is done.
It’s already taken his work boots off and he doesn’t even have feet. The baby doesn’t need to go to college to learn how to be an IT so he can turn office peoples’ computers on and off sarcastically in order to make a living. Simply for existing, his royal fetus has already accomplished and obtained things that 90 percent of us will never have and not once will it have to ponder if 12 straight beer pong wins in college can be listed as an accomplishment on their resume.
It seems impossible that anyone could compete with our stylish, Lee jeans, Pac-Man T-shirt and pleather cell phone holder ensemble that we like to wear to the fancy soirees’ we regularly go to at Wings N’ Things, but this baby is going to give us and everyone else (yeah, even you Suri) a run for their money when it comes to style and fashion.
Before the cord’s even cut, designers will be waiting at the gory end of Katie’s hospital bed, ready to wrap the baby up in a cashmere blankie with a matching, off the shoulder onesie from Fred Segal. This baby’s closet will be filled with so much stylish duds that wearing something twice would be the baby’s way of ”slumming it” so he can be down with the common folk. At one second old, the future King or Queen of England will be runway ready and here we are, in our 30s, and we’re writing this in sweatpants with a year old spaghetti stain on them. Truth.
FUN UNCLE HARRY
Drunks, college girls and the elderly all agree, everyone wants to hang out with fun Prince Harry because not only does he snag all the ladies with his “clearly-not-Prince-Charles’-son” good looks but this royal ginger can party hard outside the royal gates and get away with it.
Prince Harry is well known for his many shenanigans, with his most recent being a photo of him completely naked, holding his royal jewels. And yet, despite his questionable behavior, Prince Harry always comes out looking clean and fresh with a mere slap on the hand from the Queen. He’s the ultimate Uncle to have in future sticky situations of getting caught bloody blinkered, snogging with a spotted dick without your bloomers (We totally speak London). Uncle Harry will be there to sweet talk the Queen, flash a smirk to the press and make the baby’s (and all the world’s) problems go away.
We spoke too soon when we said this baby’s job was over. We completely forgot his job of SHOWING UP somewhere, shaking hands and getting his picture taken, which is basically the only ‘special skill’ he will ever have with no fear of being fired and having his job handed over to a naive college graduate who’s willing to shake hands more vigorously for less money. The baby will enter the royal fold as an entry-level Prince or Princess with a 100 percent guarantee to be promoted to the top position of King or Queen of England.
But hey, that buy one get one Subway sandwich coupon your work gave you as a Christmas bonus is pretty good too.
“POOR?” NEVER HEARD OF HIM
Usually being ignorant of something has a negative connotation to it, except of course, being completely ignorant to the feeling of having $20.00 in your bank account while the rest of the week until payday laughs in your face.
This baby will never know such joys like going to the Dollar Store to do their groceries or multi-tasking at the Laundromat (doing your laundry AND trying to ignore the meth head having a conversation with the dryer). Poor is something he will hear about and see on TVor the streets but it will always be at least 100 miles away from his world. Sort of like when you look at those beta-fish swimming around in a plastic Dixie cup at the pet store. You live in this giant world of possibilities while they’re confined to something just a little bit bigger than a thimble, except when it comes to the royal baby, we’re the sad little beta fish swimming around in our own long ropey feces.
Simply put, the royal baby will never have to scroll through Craigslist job listings and contemplate taking a telemarketing job selling meat over the phone just to make ends meet.
While we could probably list more things about this privileged baby that would put everyone in a spiraling depression, we’d rather end on a positive note that even with all its riches, lavish homes, servants and gold rattles, the baby could still easily inherit a royal crown that it wasn’t expecting:
Yeah, yeah, cheap shot but you know what? Screw you royal fetus, it’s all we’ve got.