The United States of America is an unpredictable country. One minute they’re chiseling a former president onto their mountains, and the next they’re… well, doing this to their currency.
Truth be told, we don’t know if this is illegal or awesome.
However, some presidents haven’t aged as well as Bill Clinton, who probably would have been elected to a third term if the Constitution allowed it. Similarly, some of the greatest presidents in history would have been lucky to make it past the primaries thanks to the beauty pageant that passes for the political process these days.
Don’t believe us? Tell us right now that Romney wasn’t the handsomest man on this stage.
Submitted for your consideration are some of the most famous presidents in history and why they would have been completely unelectable today.
6. George Washington
What could today’s electorate possibly have against George Washington, the first president of the United States and the man heralded as the father of our country? Quite a lot, actually. And that’s without assholes like Jerome Corsi write books bull of bullshit about him.
By Jerome R. Corsi, Ph.D.
For one, elitism. And no, we’re not using that word lightly at a Tea Party rally. George Washington was the richest person in America during his time. According to USA Today, his net worth would have exceeded $500 million today, which coupled with his 300 slaves, would have made him a pretty hard sell with middle-class voters. It’s also possible that his private life would have gotten him in trouble with FOX News. Not only would the religious right be hounding him on a daily basis about his theism, but pictures like this would not have helped his presidential campaign.
George Washington was probably the most famous Mason in history. There’s no way he would be able to run today without being swamped with conspiracies theories. Oh, and if you think he would have been able to talk his way out of any false accusations, think again. Have you ever heard the guy speak?
With a voice like that, this guy would have lost as many debates as his opponents could throw out at him.
5. Thomas Jefferson
The dude was tall, handsome, and penned some of the most famous words in the English language. What could possibly go wrong, here?
Bow chicka wow wow…
Two words: Sally Hemings. Sex scandals are the holy grail of political operatives, and Thomas Jefferson’s are among the most infamous in American history. Was it love? Was it rape? Either way, it would be news. Instead of “Where’s the birth certificate?” political opponents would be hounding Jefferson for paternity tests until one of the two sides agreed to call it quits.
How secrets were kept before DNA was invented.
Yeah. Something like that.
4. James Madison
The man was hailed as the father of the Constitution and the author of the Bill of Rights, which was one hell of a track record to campaign on. He led the country through a rough war during which the White House burned down, was easily one of the most intelligent men to ever assume the presidency, and was married to the most beloved First Lady in history. Seriously, this man had everything going for him.
Is it our imagination, or does she look a bit like Katey Sagal?
Too bad James Madison would have a tough time getting the respect he deserves from today’s television audiences. Madison was the shortest president in U.S. history: 5’4” and barely over 100 lbs. That’s a full 3” shorter than Dennis Kucinich, who we are pretty sure was half-Leprechaun.
Impressively, this didn’t stop him from having a gorgeous wife either.
So, how would Madison’s height have appeared on TV? Let’s put it this way: both Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin were taller than him, and that’s without the advantage of wearing high heels. The closest thing we would have had to him would be Michelle Bachmann, who is 5’2” barefoot. Also, considering that Mike Dukakis wasn’t able to run for president without SNL making fun of his height, it’s hard to imagine James Madison, a man four inches shorter than Dukakis, escaping the same fate.
He looks like he was the first president to deliver an address from a doll house.
3. Abraham Lincoln
Honestly… Abe? How the hell could he end up on this list?
Being this ugly is not enough to keep you out of a job in Washington, D.C.
Well, in addition to having a voice like Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, do you have any idea how many offices Lincoln held at the national level before he was president? He served one two-year term as representative from Illinois’s seventh congressional district, and… that’s it. Seriously. Even Sarah Palin could boast that she spent more time as governor than Lincoln did in the U.S. Congress.
She quit just in time to live up to that claim.
And while Lincoln did serve eight years in the Illinois State Legislature, that’s delving dangerously close into Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska territory. Lincoln would be under siege by his opponents today for his limited national experience, and despite being the first Republican president, there is no way he would be able to receive his party’s nomination today.
Also, while we’ll be the first to admit that Barack Obama spent the bulk of his career in the Illinois Congress before running for president, at least he had the unfair advantage of Abe Lincoln doing that before him.
Also, let’s face it: Obama was way more handsome than Lincoln.
2. Theodore Roosevelt
There’s no doubt Teddy would have been ready for prime-time presidential campaigning. Hell, with his attitude, he might even stand a good chance of winning the presidency on a third-party ticket.
This photo alone would have carried at least half a dozen states.
There’d only be one elephant in the room if he ran for the presidency today: All the goddamn elephants in his room.
This is just one of them.
Do you have any idea how many animals this man killed? After Teddy’s 1909 safari in Africa, he shipped home “forty-eight barrels of skins in brine, twelve large cases of skull and skeletons of large mammals and several cases of birds, small mammals, and other specimens.” The total number of big game animals he and his son Kermit killed during the hunt: 512, and among them were 17 lions, 11 elephants, 20 rhinoceroses, and—checking our calculators—another 464 animals that are probably endangered as hell now thanks to that one trip.
Somewhere cold right now, Sarah Palin is having a wet dream to this.
1. Franklin D. Roosevelt
If America wouldn’t elect FDR today because he was wheelchair-bound, we would have no one but ourselves to blame if we lost WWII or never got out of the Great Depression.
This dude accomplished more without the use of his legs than Professor X ever did.
His marriage to his fifth cousin Eleanor Roosevelt, however, has a certain creepiness to it.
As creepy as his affair with his sixth cousin Margaret Suckley? You decide.
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