6. Doc Brown, the Back to the Future Trilogy
THE FAMOUS LINE: That you can’t interfere with your own destiny, or something like that. And yes, this is coming from the same guy who built a freaking time machine out of spare parts across at least three separate timelines.
WHY HE’S TOTALLY OFF: Because tinkering with people’s destiny is all Doc Brown does throughout the whole Back to the Future trilogy. Doc changes his own destiny for the better in Part I, but then spends the vast majority of Part II coercing Marty to change his destiny against his will. Yes, it’s all supposed to be for the sake of his family, but its still like trying to swat a butterfly effect with an even bigger butterfly.
Somehow, this is what “everything’s back to normal” is supposed to look like.
Oh, and while he is so careful about messing with his own destiny, there’s still the matter of the destinies of all those people thousands of years in the future whose lives are altered forever because of his time traveling mad scientist. Maybe they’re saving that for the sequel?
This man has destroyed more universes than Thanos.
5. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Return of the Jedi
THE FAMOUS LINE: ”Your father… was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and ‘became’ Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. So what I told you was true… from a certain point of view.”
Sure enough, Luke is not too sold by this response, to which Obi-Wan adds: “You’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”
WHY HE’S TOTALLY OFF: Actually, that’s a logical fallacy known as a “begging the question,” which is the same as saying “All apples are green, therefore apples are green.” By saying “Many of the truths depend greatly on our own point of view,” Obi-Wan is essentially saying that anything is true as long as it abides to one person’s point of view. It’s the same shoddy argument that assholes use to convince themselves that President Obama is the antichrist.
Or, along those same lines, that George W. Bush was a saint.
Based on how Obi-Wan uses it to gloss over the fact that he lied to Luke this whole time, it’s basically a very smart-sounding way of saying “shut up.”
4. Clifford Worley, True Romance
THE FAMOUS LINE: His speech about Sicilians, specifically the part about how all Sicilians are “part eggplant”:
“So you see, way back then, uh, Sicilians were like, uh, wops from Northern Italy. Ah, they all had blonde hair and blue eyes, but, uh, well, then the Moors moved in there, and uh, well, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin’ with Sicilian women, huh? That they changed the whole bloodline forever. That’s why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin.”
He then uses the n-word like a half-dozen times.
WHY HE’S TOTALLY OFF: Because neither Clifford Worley nor Tarantino have any idea what they’re talking about. Sicily has been invaded, conquered, and raped countless times in history by the Greeks, Carthaginians, Romans, Vandals, Byzantines, Spanish, etc. It is unfortunately one of Sicily’s oldest traditions. In fact, all this “blonde hair” and “blue eyes” Worley waxes about actually made a comeback in the Middle Ages when the Normans conquered Sicily and, sure enough, contributed some of their DNA in the gene-pool.
However, guess who never really made it over to Sicily? That’s right: the Moors. What Worley did was confuse the Fatimid Caliphate with the Moors, which refers primarily to the Berbers and Arabs who invaded and settled in present-day Spain for 800 years. Besides, perhaps the biggest problem here is that Worley is talking about Sicily’s rich genetic makeup as if it is something to be ashamed of. What have all these centuries of conquest done for the Sicilian bloodstream? The results speak for themselves:
We considering showing Steve Buscemi, but ultimately settled on Maria Grazia Cucinotta for some reason.
3. Staff Sergeant Colin Sullivan and Dr. Madolyn Madden, The Departed
THE FAMOUS LINE: While trying to dazzle his girlfriend with as much food in his mouth as possible, Matt Damon says: “What Freud said about the Irish is: We’re the only people who are impervious to psychoanalysis,” to which Dr. Madolyn Madden agrees.
WHY HE’S TOTALLY OFF: Freud never said this. In fact, the Freud Museum in London has actually gone to great lengths to make it clear that he never said it.
According to the FAQ section of the Museum’s website: “Did Freud say of the Irish, “This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.”? This remark is discussed in the Oscar-winning movie The Departed. However, there is no evidence Freud ever said it.”
According to an earlier report on the subject: “The only documentation seems to be Anthony Burgess, in his introduction to a book of Irish short stories: ‘One of [Freud's] followers split up human psychology into two categories – Irish and non-Irish.’” While it is quite possible that both characters in the script read this book, we think it is more likely that Sullivan was simply reciting something cool he heard about being Irish and Madolyn didn’t feel like disagreeing with him.
2. Sarah Conner, Terminator 2
THE FAMOUS LINE: Sarah breaks her doctor’s arm and then arrogantly boasts, “There as 215 bones in the human body. That’s one!” You know, because this is a James Cameron movie and there has to have a badass line for every action scene up to and including breaking a doctor’s arm.
“Looks like you need a hand there” didn’t play so well with test audiences.
WHY HE’S TOTALLY OFF: Not only are there 206 bones in the human body, there are actually two bones in the forearm: the radius and the ulna.
Unless, of course, you’re a Terminator.
1. Jules Winfield, Pulp Fiction
THE FAMOUS LINE: Ezekiel 25:17
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
Rev. Dr. Jules Winnfield.
WHY HE’S TOTALLY OFF: While we have no doubt that Jules Winnfield flipped through a Bible at some point in his life, the edition he used was apparently translated by Professor Badass.
In reality, Ezekiel 25:17 doesn’t read anything like the way Jules Winnfield puts it. According to the most badass version of the Bible in existence, the King James Bible, Ezekiel 25:17 goes like this:
And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them.
Yeah, it still sounds cold as hell, but some important aspects of the Tarantino version are missing. There are no blessings, no “charity and good will,” no weak, no lost children, and – the big one – no shepherds! Judging by the last few minutes of the movie, shepherding is what Pulp Fiction, is all about: salvation, helping your fellow man, and, of course, hamburgers.
The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.
Naturally, this probably didn’t make any difference for Brad, since he was clearly going to snuff it even if Jules chose to quote the Golden Rule. However, had he actually used that “big brain” of his to call out Jules Winnfield on his biblical error, it might have bought him just enough time for Jerry Seinfield to come to his rescue.
You know there’s a cereal box somewhere in the background.
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