5 MORE Movies as Retold by George R. R. Martin

Game of Thrones

Remember when we said Star Wars would have been better with more dragons, or that a George R. R. Martin-authored Back to the Future would have boasted even more incest than the Bible?

Game of Thrones

Think about that while staring at this totally non-creepy picture.

The truth is we were just scratching the surface with those examples. Please find below how several more films would have played out if they were authored by the same storyteller behind Game of Thrones.

5. Star Wars, Episode V: A Winter for Rebels

Since we all know George R. R. Martin takes his sweet time with sequels, we’re guessing his version of The Empire Strikes Back would have come out about six years after the first film. Also, the final cut would have probably been so goddamn long that 20th Century Fox would have broken it into two or three movies released at least half a year apart.

So, things start off dark: Luke Skywalker/Skystarker is dead after his unsuccessful attack on the Death Star, Han Solo is in Imperial custody, and Princess Leia is struggling to lead the Rebels while dodging rumors that she’s pregnant with her late-brother’s child.

However, things go from bad to worse for the Rebellion now that winter is coming on Hoth, and it all starts when Echo Base receives a distress signal from what they thought was a meteor impact. A few Rebels ride out on tauntauns to investigate only to find a wrecked X-Wing bearing Luke’s call sign from the previous film. When these Rebels fail to return, Echo Base sends out a few speeders. After a long search, all they find of the initial patrol are dead tauntauns.

Game of Thrones

“I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”

These speeders eventually return to base and shock everyone by revealing that they found a critically injured Luke Skywalker. He’s unconscious and missing part of his face, but holy shit… he’s alive!

Game of Thrones

The Force saved him. Or magic. Or bacta. Or just bad writing.

The Rebels desperately try to revive Luke until shit gets real on Hoth. Shortly after Luke is brought in, the base falls under attack by Imperial Snowtroopers and White Walkers.

Game of Thrones

Admit it. You saw was coming.

Echo Base is destroyed and only a handful of good guys escape, among them a still-injured Luke and an emotionally/incestually torn Princess Leia. However, just when the Rebels reach their rendezvous point, they make a terrifying discovery. It turns out this “Luke Skywalker” they found is just one of thousands of probe droids the Empire dispatched throughout the galaxy to locate the Rebel base. And not only is he the reason why the Imperials attacked Hoth, but the good guys just flew him straight to the Rebel fleet we saw floating peacefully during the last scene of Empire.

Game of Thrones

“It’s a trap!”

In short, we end on a cliffhanger that George R. R. Martin will probably resolve as lazily as possible the first few minutes into the next episode. Oh, and did we mention that Han Solo is getting tortured by Darth Vader aboard his Super Star Destroyer this whole time? And that we cut back and forth between this every ten minutes? Because that’s totally what we should expect from George R. R. Martin after Season 3 of Game of Thrones.

The Smoking Jacket

We’re guessing that torture device is hooked up to Han’s balls.

4. The Twilight Saga: New Moon

While it doesn’t make us proud to heap any sort of praise onto Twilight, we honestly think Bella  Swan could have been all sorts of badass if she was written by George R. R. Martin instead of Stephenie Meyer. And yes, we know that’s sort of odd to say when you consider how so many women have ended up thus far into Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones

She has arrows in her head, heart, and crotch, and yet her nipples are miraculously covered. Way to go, HBO.

So, now that Bella Swan has been reborn Bella Stark, we can finally get down to business for the first time in the series. Instead of being a lifeless, thoughtless mannequin impossible to identify with or admire, Bella’s actually a cunning, daring tomboy who’s good with a knife and fueled with revenge for her dead boyfriend. (Edward is technically dead, after all.) In short, she’s Ayra Stark in a story about werewolves and vampires, and where half the book and movie takes place in Tuscany.

Game of Thrones

Only Arya could turn the last half hour of New Moon into Assassin’s Creed II.

We don’t need to go into detail about how such a scenario would play out. When forced to choose between a wolf and the man she loves, Arya will always side with whoever can turn her into a more seasoned assassin. After all, at the end of the day, Twilight is the story of a teenager who finds that out werewolves and vampires are real. With Arya as the lead, we’re pretty sure such a story would play less like a cheep teenage romance and more like The Monster Squad. Especially if one of these monsters ripped the head off Ned Stark.

Game of Thrones

“Dracula, Nosferatu, Vampirella, Tom Cruise…”

3. Titanic

Same as the original, except Jack and Rose are brother and sister who were totally not separated at birth.

Game of Thrones

Also, Rose got a bikini wax right before she boarded the ship.

2. The Bourne Identity

If you thought Hawkeye from the Avengers was a poor substitute for Matt Damon, picture Kit Harington as a bastard Jason Bourne searching for the name of his father: a man who offered his son to the government to be brainwashed into a heartless assassin.

Actually, scratch that. Having Jon Snow play Jason Bourne would be fucking incredible!

Game of Thrones

The Bourne Paternity?

It actually wouldn’t be that bad to dip into the Bourne family legacy when you consider how many fan-theories exist about Jon Snow’s parentage. And why is this? Because George R. R. Martin is actually pretty talented at making family bloodlines interesting.

Game of Thrones

Very interesting.

Imagine if Jason Bourne’s true identity was, well, anything other than some loser named David Webb. Or better yet, suppose there was a reason the U.S. government kept his real name from him. Could Jason Bourne have been the son of Alexander Conklin, the head of Operation Treadstone, this whole time? Was he manufactured in a lab to be the perfect killing machine, thus making him the property of the government? The possibilities are endless, which is perfect for a series with no end in sight. Hell, Bourne could have even been the bastard child of a president of the United States for all we know.

Game of Thrones

If this guy was our father, we probably would have blocked that from our mind as well.

Either way, George R. R. Martin would have certainly tackled Bourne’s birthright in a way that would have been interesting, or at the very least more interesting that what we got. Especially for a character whose last name sounds just like “born.”

Game of Thrones

This would have been every reader’s reaction to that last part.

1. The Dark Knight

On surface, Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy brings quite a lot to the table for George R. R. Martin to work with. Revenge? Check. Secret societies? Check. Incest? Um…

Game of Thrones

Maybe they’re cousins, or something?

Anyway, the most serious change to the Dark Knight trilogy after some Game of Thrones-esque retooling would most likely involve politics. In Gotham City, the only thing we ever really learn about their government is that it sucks. Stories like that just don’t work in George R. R. Martin’s worlds, which is why international and local politics are so complicated in Westeros. Had he written The Dark Knight, we would have known the names of every person on Gotham’s city council, the names of the state’s senators and governor, the president of the United States, and who every single one of them was sleeping with.

Game of Thrones

Our first guess would be Ros.

How would this have ended up changing the story? It’s hard to say, but it unquestionably would have made the motives behind Gotham’s lousy condition a whole lot more interesting. Besides, we’re guessing Heath Ledger would have still rocked our world as the Joker, Harvey Dent would have still had half his face burned off, and Rachel Dawes would have still ended up as dead as disco. However, with a George R. R. Martin-authored world around Gotham, the city may not have come off as such a spectacular monument to government inefficiency.

Game of Thrones

Why does the GCPD always keep all their cops in one place? Always?

And even better, Martin would have spent a lot more time dealing with other cities in the Dark Knight universe. Metropolis would have been in the film. Coast City would have been in the film. The whole DC Universe would have opened up wide for a Justice League movie. And not only that, but we might have ended up feeling sympathy for these fictional cities.

Game of Thrones

Before Superman destroyed them in Man of Steel, of course.

However, there is one core element to Batman that undoubtedly would have been punished under George R. R. Martin’s pen: Batman’s “rule.” As we know in Game of Thrones, “chaos is a latter,” and such a world is more befitting the Joker than the Batman. In short, Batman’s code of conduct is just as out of place in Gotham City as Ned Stark’s honor in Westeros, which means Batman should hold on to his head if he plans on surviving The Dark Knight Rises.

Game of Thrones

Batman is simply too beloved a character for George R. R. Martin to not want to kill.

 

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