TACK A FAMOUS NAME ONTO SOME LOW-QUALITY MERCH AND YOU’LL MAKE A MINT. Most celebs don’t get too greedy, but some think their name allows them to charge a king’s ransom for whatever it is they’re hawking. Maybe it’s empire-envy. Whatever the reason, we don’t know why anyone would pay good money for…
1. TICO TORRES’ ROCK STAR BABY
Are you worried your newborn child will grow up to like chemistry instead of rock and roll? Do you have a lot of disposable income and no fashion sense? Then you should turn your stupid lame baby into a ROCK STAR BABY! Tico Torres, the drummer for Bon Jovi, knows all about rock music and fleecing fans. His line of baby clothes and accessories are designed to make your baby hardcore and empty your wallet. Take this blanket, for example:
Sure, it’s 169 dollars and tacky, but isn’t that a small price to pay to ensure your baby boy becomes a rockin’ man? There are products targetted for girls too, like a dinner set featuring a tasteful tramp stamp design.
2. 50 CENT’S G-UNIT DIAMOND WATCH
Show off your hardcore gangster street cred with an official G-Unit watch that’s well out of the price range of anyone except middle-aged men in upper management. Coming in at just shy of three grand, the G-Unit watch is perfect for proving that you’re never too rich to look like a tool. Be sure to wear it at your next dinner party, where, over foie gras you tell your guests how Fiddy’s music really speaks to you because you’ve both faced adversity in life. Like that time you won the big court case despite wearing a suit that hadn’t been professionally dry-cleaned.
3. DAN AKROYD’S CRYSTAL HEAD VODKA
Lots of celebrities own vineyards, and since that’s a classy rich person thing to do we can understand why people would buy celebrity wine. But we’re at a loss to explain why anyone would associate premium vodka with a Ghostbuster.
It’s actually supposed to be pretty good, so at fifty dollars a bottle the price isn’t too bad (although the cost to your dignity of having to keep an idiotic skull in your liquor cabinet is steep). But nothing can justify the matching silver cufflinks, which will set you back 250 bucks.
4. DR. DRE AND JUSTIN BIEBER’S JUSTBEATS SOLO
Every product in Dr. Dre’s line of Beats headphones is overpriced, but the official Justin Bieber headphones are most flagrant about ripping you off. You could get headphones of equal quality for half of the 249 dollar price tag, and as a bonus they wouldn’t be My Little Pony purple.
Of course, we’re not the target audience. They’re marketed for 12-year-old girls. And that’s what makes them so brilliant—little girls don’t care about the price tag (they’re not paying for them) or the audio quality (because they’re listening to Justin Bieber).
5. SYLVESTER STALLONE’S MONTEGRAPPA PEN
Montegrappa is an Italian company that’s been making pens since 1912. Their refined, sophisticated products have been used by famous writers like Ernest Hemmingway and John Dos Passos, so naturally when it came time to choose a new spokesman they selected Sylvester Stallone. Check out Stallone’s official pen, “Chaos.”
According to Montegrappa, Stallone put some serious thought into “Chaos,” working with a team of artisans to design a pen inspired by the Renaissance, “When things were more simplified and perhaps more noble, placed against our current technological society.” And they drew on a number of famous sixteenth-century artists to “help express this idea,” and to “ensure that their use of the language was cultivated and not misused.”
So it’s ugly and pretentious.
If you’ve spent your entire life buying overpriced celebrity crap, don’t let the cold embrace of the grave put an end to your passion. Leave behind a will that will embarrass your family forever by requesting to be buried in an official Kiss Kasket.
Any other band would stop short of entering the funeral business. But not only do Kiss assume their fans are willing to be laid to rest in the sleaziest piece of merchandise ever conceived, they’re asking for 4000 dollars a box, more than double the price of a normal casket. Apparently they’re onto something. Their caskets have been selling since 2001. The dead have no shame.
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Tony Hayward: Partyin’ Like a Rock Star