6 Easy Steps to Being Modern Royalty and Not Making an ASS of Yourself

Being royalty these days sure seems like a mixed bag. On the one hand, you don’t have to worry anymore about peasant mobs storming the castle and flaunting your dismembered body parts across the kingdom, like in days of yore. On the other hand, pictures of your lady parts hanging out can get published worldwide, and you can’t order a single beheading for it.

Sorry Kate. Well, actually, screw that. We’re NOT sorry. Being a monarch in the western hemisphere these days is as easy as being a wax statue. You’re a tourist attraction whose only job is to wave, smile, and NOT be an idiot. And yet you manage to screw that up by going Girls Gone Wild at a resort, somewhere. And that goes double for your Nazi brother-in-law. Since royals don’t seem to know how to do it themselves, we’re here to tell them how to be their regal selves without ending up looking like a total ass.

Step 1: Let the Party Come to You, Bro

Lost in the hoopla of the Duchess’ nakedness is the fact that her brother-in-law, Prince Harry, was recently photographed in even less clothing and looking like an out-of-control frathouse goof while on vacation in a Las Vegas hotel.

Let’s review the reasons why this was so stupid:

  • He’s rich
  • He’s famous
  • He lives in an effing PALACE
  • He has an army of servants to do his bidding
  • He inherited a bunch of kinky royal iconography
  • He’s more or less above the law in his native land

Are we missing something, here? We thinks it’s every bit in Harry’s power to throw a beastly controlled-circumstances party if he’s feelin’ like he needs to rage. There’s no need for royalty to risk going outside to get freaky. Use your resources, guy. And don’t just stop at buying a keg, either. You’re royalty, for godssake. Close the palace gates, confiscate the cell phones, batten down the hatches, and get Caligula with it.

Step 2: DON’T Bother with Etiquette Lessons

Before Kate married William, she had to undergo etiquette lessons. Whether that kind of thing is required for all royal bride-to-be’s (likely), or just her because she was a commoner (bah humbug!), we know not. What we do know is that she had to do things like learn how to sit down while balancing a book on her head, and cross her legs without getting Britney’d by some scumbag paparazzo.

We totally get taking preventative measures to keep thy royal flower concealed, but etiquette lessons were last useful when cocaine was available over-the-counter. God we miss the old days. We can think of few things more likely to cause a person to act out fits of joyous nakedness than being forced to take classes that teach you how to be a robot. Don’t do it, and save yourself the suppressed anger.

Step 3: Join the Military

Modern royalty are treated like tourist attractions anymore, because that’s pretty much what they are. They don’t have any real political power. They can’t levy a tax, declare a war, form an assembly, or purge religious minorities. Of course nobody’s going to take them seriously. Of course they’re going to make an arse of themselves by being nothing more than ceremonial puppets.

So what is another way to they rectify this? Joining the military. Constitutional monarchies technically have to remain neutral in all political forums so as to not compromise the integrity of the process, so they can’t really get involved in politics. But there’s no law stopping them from traveling halfway around the world, picking up a gun, and shooting somebody. Yay!

Step 4: Tell Your Elders to Just DIE Already

People refer to William and Harry as princes, which is technically true. But the word “prince” mostly implies “will-soon-be-king-because-I’m-next-in-line,” which is unfortunate for them because in their case it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Their father, Charles, is the prince who’s ACTUALLY next in line to wear the crown. Problem is, he’s 63 years old, and has been next in line for about a bajillion years now because his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, is 86 and is no closer to croaking now than when she was 36.

So they wait. And wait. And wait. And wait… and wait… and wait… andwaitandwaitandwaitandwait until they wake up one day and nobody cares, anymore. It’s no fun having a living royal line of succession that’s five-people deep. It’s an oversaturation of nobility. It’s a mockery of a sacred birth right. Just die already, your majesty, and let everybody else get some.

Step 5: Create Intra-family Strife

Aside from Saudi Arabia and obscure parts of Africa, internecine conflict among royal families is a thing of the distant past. Frowny face. Few things in life are as riveting as watching the rich and powerful try to annihilate each other. Why do we all watch Game of Thrones, anyway? Back in the good old days of the monarchy, brothers and sisters waged war against each other over lines of succession and claims to the throne. REAL legacies were formed, because REAL heads were put on stakes.

Royal siblings can’t exactly do that kind of thing today. Double frowny face. But they can still create drama and destabilize what’s supposed to be the living embodiment of a nation and a continuing symbol of its unity. The idea might seem counterproductive to not making an ass of yourself, but not if you stay away from petty reality TV bullshit and just do what all political opponents do to defame each other: question their patriotism.

Step 6: Buy This Book

That book-of-spells-looking tome would be The Secretum Secretorum, latin for Secret of Secrets. It’s an ancient how-to guide for kings written by Aristotle himself, and used by ancient British monarchs like Edward III. But why take advice on being a twenty-first century monarch from a book written in the fourteenth century?

Well, because it contains certain nuggets of wisdom that just transcend the boundaries of time. Nuggets that act as remedies for any kind of pickle The Duke of Cambridge, or The King of Norway might find himself in, or decision he must make. Nuggets such as:

  • Selecting an advisor: “Choose men also of old experience. Their wit and intellect is glorious. Beware of young counsel; it is perilous.”
  • The remedy for a stomach ache: “Clasp a hot and beautiful maiden or to place upon your belly a wide warm shirt.”
  • When asking for advice: ‘Beware flattery and beware also the greedy – they are both so desirous of gold they do not care what difficulty their lord is in, as long as they might amass gold and silver.’
  • How to choose a wife: “Beautiful in appearance, descended from noble family, well-appointed in limbs, having an agreeable expression and an entire body well-adorned. You may have a majestic wife with whom you may have sex as often as, and when, you wish.”

And finally, women…

  • Never to trust in the works and services of women, and may you not commit yourself to them.

Reasonable now as back then.


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