6 Bullshit Discoveries That “Prove” Atlantis Is Real

6. The Underwater Cities

THE “PROOF”: A supposed megalithic site recently discovered off the coast of Cuba, and as detailed in certain sci-fi movies: “God does not build in straight lines.”

Photo c/o Google Maps. (More on that later.)

WHY IT’S BULLSHIT: For one, Plato described Atlantis as being a series of concentric circles, not squares. For another, Atlantis never existed. It was a strictly hypothetical city used by Plato the same way all those bananas and cantaloupes your teacher used on your math tests.

Ditto for all those “barns” you worked on in Algebra.

However, while Atlantis was nothing, this sure as hell looks like something at least somewhat resembling an underwater grid.

OUR TAKE ON IT: A glitch in Google Ocean. Which, sure enough, it turned out to be. The map was subsequently updated into something even more boring than a couple straight lines.

5. The Coso Artifact

THE “PROOF”: A modern-looking spark plug found encased within a 500,000 piece of material, allegedly proving that highly-advanced civilizations existed long before human record.

Also, that they were in dire need of fiber tablets.

WHY IT’S BULLSHIT: Because the artifact is really a 1920s-era Champion spark plug. Still, this does not explain how the hell it got trapped within a stone strong enough to break a diamond saw blade—unless, of course, it wasn’t.

OUR TAKE ON IT: A Champion spark plug lost by a malfunctioning time machine Doc von Braun made from a Model T to change the course of World War I.

Alas, your typical Model T can’t go anywhere close to 88 mph.

4. The Rock Drawings in Valcamonica

THE “PROOF”: Drawings of what appears to be  astronauts in the home of a caveman, suggesting that the Atlantians were actually humans gifted with extraterrestrial technology.

Among them, the ability to scratch a rock against a wall.

WHY IT’S BULLSHIT: Because these “helmets” look a lot like a sun disk, one of the most common cross-cultural images in history. Furthermore, even if it was an ancient astronaut, there’s no evidence that they left us with anything more useful than a cave painting.

OUR TAKE ON IT: An ancient teaser-trailer for an upcoming movie about the actual Prometheus.

3. Pyramids

THE “PROOF”: It’s not so much how we built them, but why we built them all over the world, at the same time, and in patterns you can only see from space.

We’ll be the first to admit that this is pretty fucked up.

For some reason, several writers believe these buildings prove that Atlantis is in Antarctica.

WHY IT’S BULLSHIT: Because people love to use pyramids for whatever conspiracy theory they’re pushing even though it is now believed that they were built by skilled, hired laborers using technologies well within their means.  As for how they turned up in so many different civilizations, the fact that some of them were built thousands of years apart from each other sort of spoils the surprise of them popping up everywhere.

OUR TAKE ON IT: A certain boy-pharaoh decided he wanted to be world champion of “King of the Mountain” and started a fad.

That, or he just felt like stacking everything he could find.

2. The Martian City

THE “PROOF”: To support the claim that the Atlanteans were such an awesome ancient race, once must entertain the idea of a humanoid civilization with post-modern technology existing over 4.5 million years ago. Since this invites the idea that the Atlanteans—and by association humanity—might be alien life forms to this planet, this begs the question of where the hell everyone came from. According to conspiracy theorists, the obvious answer is Mars.

Or a certain Hawaiian volcano.

 WHY IT’S BULLSHIT: Because the closer you look at the Martian surface, the closer it comes to resembling a lifeless pile of rocks.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A (through the eyes of a moron).

However, this is exactly the problem with so many of these conspiracy theorists: They know what they want to see before they even start searching for “evidence.” As a result, they formulate what they want to see around what is actually provided. It is similar to the effect of illusory contour, only way more embarrassing for friends and family members of those affected.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit B (through the eyes of a moron).

OUR TAKE ON IT: Looks like a pile of rocks to us, too.

1. Plato’s Timaeus and Critias

THE “PROOF”: Plato wrote about a lost civilization called “Atlanteans” who conquered the entire Atlantic coast in his psudo-scientific dialogues Timaeus and Critias.

Conveniently absent: Pederasty.

WHY IT’S BULLSHIT: There’s a reason why all we know about Atlantis comes from Timaeus and Critias: Plato made it up specifically for these texts. It was a fictional city used the same way your math teachers used all those bananas and cantaloupes to teach you how to count.

Ditto for all those “barns” you worked on in Algebra.

As a result, nobody even took the idea of Atlantis as a real place seriously until a few centuries ago, we’re guessing because at that point people started getting more of their knowledge from textbooks approved by a Texas school boards.

OUR TAKE ON IT: Just some daily edits Plato prepared for his students over the course of a year complete with doodles somebody worked into the margins.

 

Jacopo della Quercia is now on Twitter. Follow him!

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