IF YOU THOUGHT ATTACK OF THE CLONES was bad, Star Trek into Darkness should be a shining example of how the Star Wars prequels could have been.
The film rewrote its canon, pissed off its fans, and more or less gave a shimmering middle finger to everyone who complained about being blinded by lens flare four years ago.
At this point, J. J. Abrams is just trying to be a dick.
However, despite its faults, Star Trek into Darkness succeeded in one very important part to filmmaking: being enjoyable to watch. Yes, Benedict Cumberbatch was horribly miscast as Khan, but that’s because Khan was never supposed to be this awesome. The film was fun as hell, but was it the best Star Trek film ever? Probably not. But if they had made the following tweaks, it very well could have been.
5. TAKE A PAGE FROM PATTON OSWALT’S “STAR WARS’ SCRIPT
It’s impossible to imagine J. J. Abrams directing Star Trek into Darkness without having Star Wars VII in the back of his mind. We have already established that his Star Trek movies are basically covert Star Wars sequels, and Star Trek into Darkness turned out to be no exception.
“That was too close!”
However, one area where the film caught us by surprise was its choice of uniforms for Starfleet officers.
While we understand the Imperials in Star Wars were modeled after the Nazis, it’s hard to watch Star Trek into Darkness without thinking, holy shit… the good guys in this movie are dressed a lot like the bad guys in the original Star Wars trilogy.
RT if you think these guys look like Star Destroyer captains.
Now, we’re not saying J. J. Abrams should have flat out announced that Star Trek and Star Wars share the same universe. After all, one takes place in Earth’s future and the other a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, etc. However, when you consider how much Robocop’s warmongering with the Klingons sounded like “empire” and “imperialism,” all we’d need would be for one character to use these words to know that Star Trek into Darkness was really about how the Empire got started in J. J. Abrams’ Star Trek/Star Wars hybrid universe.
Or alternate timeline. Or… whatever.
4. GIVE MARTIN FREEMAN A ROLE
Honestly, this is not so much a gripe as it is fan-service.
Of the non-pornographic kind, of course.
As one wise person put it, casting Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in The Hobbit “is like Starsky and Hutch being in Star Wars.”
That’s actually sounds like an awesome movie, and having the two of them play odd parts in Star Trek into Darkness would probably be the closest we’ll ever come to seeing that.
All this shot is missing is some contrast and a lens flare.
I mean, let’s face it: The biggest draw to Star Trek into Darkness movie is seeing Sherlock as a villain. They could have even cast Freeman as a redshirt and we’d be happy knowing that, yes, in this alternate timeline, Holmes and Watson are mortal enemies.
Holmes was always going to get Watson killed at some point.
3. ADDRESS THE CONSEQUENCES OF KIRK’S WOMANIZING…
We understand that Kirk will always be a slut in the Star Trek films because, well, that’s Kirk being Kirk. With that said, we’re pretty sure that nobody can enjoy as much interspecies intercourse as he does without it rubbing off on him the worst way possible.
Wherever her tail goes, we’re pretty sure it’s not clean.
However, rather than use Kirk’s womanizing as a cheap reminder for what the female body looks like, why not portray Kirk’s sex addiction as the kind of thing that could get him in serious trouble even in a future where female flight officers wear miniskirts.
Or nothing at all.
Think about it: Bones gives Kirk a hard time for skipping his medical exam, Kirk says his fine, and then Bones finds “your vitals are way off.” If you ever wondered what it’s like to know someone in denial about their STDs, there is your answer. Since they took the time to put this in the movie, why not take it one step further and show Bones finding something… terrible in Kirk’s blood. Or growing off his balls.
That’s one mean genital wart if we’ve ever seen one.
2. …AND HAVE IT SAVE HIS LIFE
Honestly, when Kirk *SPOILERS* died in the movie, how fitting would it be if they cloned him out of one of his genital warts that Bones was analyzing because Kirk skipped his medical exam in the first place? Not only would this show just how core Kirk’s reckless womanizing is to his character, but it would ultimately be what saves his life.
“Thank God you never used protection, Jim.”
1. THE CAMEO TO END ALL CAMEOS
While we’ll admit it was cool to see Leonard Nimoy don his Spock ears in 2009’s Star Trek, having him Skype his younger self in Star Trek into Darkness was, well… kind of lame.
Are they going to use this guy to plug every movie’s plot hole?
However, there is one cameo that could have only been pulled off in Star Trek into Darkness that would have not only been hilarious, but would have probably resulted in the movie being hailed by the entire Internet at the greatest Star Trek film of all time. Turn away if you don’t like spoilers. Otherwise…
Before Spock sees Kirk in the ship’s radiation chamber, it’s pretty clear from Scotty’s voice that the captain is in bad shape. He radiated, gasping, bleeding, and has probably shit himself by this point.
With that said, how balls to the walls amazing would it have been if Spock looked into the chamber…
And saw this hideously aged and bloated actor staring back at him.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Shatner cameo that the whole world has been waiting for. Hell, it might have even made Spock’s “KHAN!!!” yell more effective.
No matter how you view it, it’s still a better death than in Generations.
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