HERE AT TSJ, we believe it can be taken as a universal given that Russian anti-gay law is the biggest pile of anti-human bullshit legislation to come along since, well, take your pick. The Second Amendment? DOMA? Whatever the fuck they’re doing in Louisiana?While we don’t believe that a full-on Sochi 2014 Olympic Games is a possibility, the interns are refusing to host their luge fantasy pool next year. A small protest, but a protest nonetheless.
So we were briefly excited and then crushingly disappointed last week when we read that President Barack Obama was skipping his summit meeting with Russian Mafia Dictator, Vladimir Putin. Turns out, Obama’s personal boycott was not a protest of the Russian’s regressive politics but rather a show of disapproval of the Ruskies’ harboring of folk hero/whistleblower/most wanted man in America, Edward Snowden. Message to Americans: Hating your fellow man is fine, but don’t try and let them know that the government is reading their emails and tracking their porn habits.
Obama’s little tantrum will achieve nothing, and is another in a long line of civil rights disappointments in America’s history. If the President really wanted to let former Soviet Motherland know who was boss, if he really wanted to tell Putin to take his anti-human agenda and shove it where the sickle don’t shine, Obama would have sent a stronger message. Someone should present him with a memo outlining some initiatives that would’ve spanked the Kremlin and changed the world.
Oh, wait… someone did.
1. BIG, GAY, SOCHI
Obama should’ve made plans to put every LGBTQ American, and everyone who supports them, on a plane for Sochi. For free. Paid for their accommodations. Gave them a vodka and meal allowance. Got them passes to see the figure skating preliminary rounds. Bought them some of those funny Russian hats and stuck rainbow pins on them.
Yes, if Russia doesn’t want the gays, Obama should’ve sent them over, under full protection of the strongest armed forces in the world. A gay invasion of Russia. Would it have started World War III or Cold War II? Yes, but fuck, it’s got to start sometime. And this anti-gay apocalypse would be a good way to tell the world: We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it or get our of our way.
2. Blanket Asylum Part I
Okay, maybe the gay invasion is a little ambitious. We’re nothing if not ambitious at TSJ. As we write this, the interns are writing their own version of the US constitution. One that’s more, how should we put it, non-gun toting asshole heavy.
But say the gay invasion is a no-go, due to lack of flights or hotels, and the fact that no one knows where is the name of Mikhail Baryshnikov’s balls Sochi is.
Obama should offer political asylum to any LGBTQ individual, or supporter, who fear for their life in Russia. That’s right, skip Ellis Island and go straight to citizenship! Hell, let’s have some fun and give them residence in Texas.
Fuck you, Texas!
3. Blanket Asylum Part II
Okay, admittedly we’ve never heard the music of Pussy Riot. When we first took note of the all-girl group from Russia, we figured it was some cool new porn site we hadn’t joined, or perhaps some kind of double penetration move the kids are into. The interns quickly corrected us, and that’s when we started to follow the story of the band jailed for speaking their mind.
IMPRISONED FOR SONG? Seriously?
And Maroon 5 still roams free.
Time for Obama to offer Pussy Riot asylum in America, and a two-year contract as judges on American Idol. Can’t get them out of jail? Send in the troops, Barack. Not all our battles can be over oil and money.
4. Revoke the Work Visas of All Russian NHLers
TSJ is a huge fan of the hockey, ever since we were young and our dad duct-taped a pair of Bauers to our five-year-old feet and left us on the pond for January afternoon.
Of course, we live in Florida, and sunk like a stone, but a lifelong affection for the game was born, as was a long relationship with our family therapist.
Russians are no longer the unique stars of the NHL they once were. There are no more Pavel Bures, Sergei Makarovs, or Viktor Kozlovs.
Instead, we’re left with petulant children (see: Overchkin, Alex) and wealthy homesick pseudo-stars (see: Kovalchuk, Ilya). They love coming over here because our women are well-toothed and the mafia doesn’t withhold paychecks when we don’t score.
Want Putin and the Russian people’s attentions? Just say nyet to Russian NHLers. Let them play in the KHL, where they’re families are held hostage if they underperform.
5. Legislate that All Hollywood Villains Be Russian (Again)
Remember back in the day when all blockbuster action flicks’ antagonists were Ivan or Sergei or Ivana Humpalot? Was it horrible stereotyping offensive to an entire people?
Is it time to bring that era back?
You betcha, Katya!
And let’s not restrict our racist casting to spy thrillers and action films. Hells to the nyet!
Romcoms should feature Alexeis as the hot evil “other guy.” Animated films should star evil stepmother or witches named Ayn or Ludmila. Adam Sandler’s gang of scatologicaly-inclined man children should do battle against Red Army foes. What will this accomplish? Not much, but the Russians are a proud people and this will embarrass the vodka and pickles out of them.
Look, we love Russians, or at least we love vodka-based cocktails. We don’t understand their regressive politics and hatred of humanity. But it’s time to take a stand, before their new evil spreads across the land. Cold War II may be good for James Bond plots, but it’s bad for humankind.
FOLLOW MIKE SPRY ON TWITTER!