IMAGINE IF YOU WILL, FOR A MOMENT, the sad, dark days when Instagram wasn’t around. I know. We get chills, too. How did our ancient ancestors manage to get through their lives of huntin’, gatherin’, and plantin’ without instgramming each important event? They caught animals and didn’t capture the moment with a willow filter and a hashtag? They harvested their crops and didn’t make a cool picture collage of their veggie bounty? It’s amazing the human race continued at all. We truly are the lucky ones, my friends, to be living in such magical times.
But no matter how enjoyable and wonderfully addictive this type of social media app is, it’s almost a guarantee that there’s a group of people who will find a way to ruin it, and Instagram is no exception.
Here are five types of pictures that are an instant Instagram buzzkill.
1. The Artsy Photographer
Titled: “Lost Childhood,” or, as normal people call it, “An old swing.”
Instagram is so wonderful at allowing us to bring out our inner Ansel Adams with just a tap of a finger. It’s picture make-up that can magically transform anything into a work of art, which is great. But it’s also Instagram’s ability to make photos look pristine that have so many people fooled into thinking they’re actually good photographers and they have just now found their true calling in life.
Go ahead, check out your picture feed. See that one picture of a penny sitting in a puddle of urine that’s hashtagged #simplicityisbeautiful #life #love #goldenshowers? Yeah, those are the people we’re talking about.
2. The Hashtag Hookers
Sadly, hashtags aren’t a new form of footwear that’s a cross between crocs and birkenstocks marketed toward scarf wearing, mustache’d hipsters but let’s go ahead and put the idea out there. Actually, hashtags are a good way to get more followers on Twitter or Instagram by making your post searchable via a keyword. A simple number sign like this #, mounting a keyword or phrase like this #didwementionnospaces – allows people to stumble on to your account and for people looking for more followers, a hashtag is like a flat chested chick getting a pair of fake boobs, in that it suddenly gets your twit or picture way more attention than it deserves.
So it stands to reason that if a picture with a hashtag is a girl with big fake boobs, then a picture with too many hashtags is a girl with three fake boobs because when it comes to hashtags, you can have too much of a good thing. One hashtag or two hashtags is fine, three hashtags is still okay, four hashtags starts to get a few eyerolls and ten just turned that cute black and white puppy picture into a desperate three-boobed slut. #STOPIT. #SERIOUSLY.
3. The Selfie Prophet
“If you can dream it, you can achieve it! Now look at my duckface”
When two awful things come together, usually they’re called Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen. The only other thing that comes close to that nightmare of awful are duckfaces paired with an inspirational quotes. Whatever life changing message you were trying to impart loses all meaning when it’s being delivered to us via a bathroom selfie of yourself throwing up a peace sign. And come on, EVERYONE knows what you’re doing. EVERYONE knows a selfie is the bait of choice when one wants to go compliment fishing on the interwebs. To taint the pureness of the ego’s insatiable needs with a quote from the Dalai Lama makes everyone feel cheap.
If you’re a repeat offender of this one man Instagram show, you should know that no one sees you as a would-be philosopher, instead the only thing you’re probably inspiring people to do is wish for a Instagram ‘dislike’ option when they see an otherwise inspiring quote from Robert Frost tainted by a selfie you took of yourself in the car while you were waiting at a McDonald’s drive-thru
4. The Perfect 10 Who Thinks They’re a 5
I lost weight! but OMG I’m still totes a cow!
Losing weight is a sonovabitch, what with things like donuts, bacon and bacon donut sandwich cravings that work their way into your brain and beg to be bought and eaten at 11:00 p.m. when you’re trying to finish writing your article. (For the love of disgusting sloths everywhere, can someone please run a bacon sandwich delivery service like, yesterday?) So when you’re able to ignore all these cries, workout and get the body that makes your mirror want to bang you, it’s understandable why anyone would be proud.
However, this genuine moment of victory is less grand when it’s paired with a self-deprecating comment in order to mask your sheer and utter joy of showing everyone that you are walking amongst the hot people now and is all out insulting to your followers. If you hashtag #workinprogress or #Istillfeelfat with your instagrammed firm ass and taut thighs, we know you’re trying to bullshit us into thinking you’re humble as fuck (because we all know that “humble” doesn’t hesitate to take a picture of themselves flexing in a Speedo) and hey asshole, there are some legit fat people out here, if you think your flat abs are still fat then the rest of our flop bellies all just got relegated to Jabba the Hut status.
We hope you choke on your dirt and kale smoothie, jerk.
5. The Sky Troopers
We should feel lucky that we live in a time of our lives where beautiful moments can be captured, shared and remembered forever… or wherever you can get a 4G connection. We’ve seen a lot of beautiful double rainbow Instagram pictures, dusk in a remote desert or a sunset at a beach and yes, while they’re all very beautiful and definitely picture worthy, most of the time, it’s just a picture of another blue sky with clouds.
We apologize if that sounds cold and ungrateful to mother nature but pictures of the sky isn’t giving your followers as big of a thrill as you may think simply because it’s something everyone has seen before. Unless you see a U.F.O. fly by or a Wilford Brimley’s mustache smiling at you from above…
Wilford Brimley’s mustache loves you… and Lo-Fi filters.
Let’s all stop taking pictures of the beautiful sky and cheapening our own personal experience with Mother Nature just to have something to post to your peanut gallery on Instagram.