5 Sky Mall Products for the Coming Apocalypse

The Apocalypse is upon us. There’s no time to deny it — only time to prepare. Thank god for that shitty Southwest Airline flight because Sky Mall has many products that will get you through 50 years of being alone in your shelter basement.

5. Protein Ketchup

Fuck cooking. Forget about it. Don’t even think of it. And you can also forget about that burger and steak you’re drooling over because that shit ain’t gonna happen. Never. Luckily for you, your favorite and only snack is “Protein Ketchup.” With 15 grams of protein, zero fat and packed with TWO WHOLE tomatoes, this will become your basic food group. At 34 bucks for 24 cups, we say it’s worth plunking down 5 grand.

Stock up here.

4. Box of Applause or Laughter

You’re alone and most likely will be going bat shit crazy at one point. Thank god there’s a little fucking box that will laugh for the roast you’re putting on for your dead dog. AND… this little fucker will applaud your Academy Award giving speech for your movie, “Egomaniac’s Kiss.” At $25 bucks, buy 100 of these boxes for the Bono concert effect.

Stock up here.

3. Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa

Just because your entire family is dead and you only have a mattress hole to fuck, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a little R&R. With the portable Spa-N-A-Box, you can have just that and fuck the jet hole too! One thousand bucks.

Buy your spa here.

2. Wine Glass Neck Holder

If you have prepared for the Apocalypse correctly, we know you’ve essentially taken up 95% of your shelter space with booze. You’re gonna be doing a lot of drinking. Essentially, that’s all you will be doing and most likely will be your death. With this spiffy wine glass neck holder, fuck using your hands and drink that shit like the fanny pack wearing man you were in the real world. Somehow, a couple pieces of string is 25 bucks.

Get some here.

1. Roswell, the Alien Butler

Roswell is your only and new best friend. Feel free to talk to it. Pet it. Put shit on it. Shit on it. Do whatever you want because this guy is the only fucking thing you will see for the rest of your drunk life. Seventy-five bucks each makes it only 900 bucks for a family of 12 Roswells.

Buy them up here.

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