5 Ridiculous Products You Can Buy to Fulfill Your New Year’s Resolutions

5 Ridiculous Products You Can Buy to Fulfill Your New Year's Resolutions

We’re only a couple weeks into the new year and it’s usually about the time when those resolutions you made with good intentions and a side of jager shots start becoming a burden because change is tough, especially when society force feeds it into your life every time a new year rolls around. Although it might be tempting to quit, luckily, there are companies out there that know our struggles and are anxious to help see us through our resolutions for the small, small price of our dignity and whatever’s in our bank account

Here are five ridiculous products that will help you fulfill your New Year’s Resolutions… supposedly.

1. Losing Weight

How is it that the most popular resolution is also the first resolution that people break right away? Probably because the most popular resolution is to lose weight and millions of people have found that sitting on the couch, eating Nutella out of a jar with an ice cream scoop is a whole lot easier than doing those goddamn burpees that deceivingly sounds like fun but is as horrible and as torturous as getting a thousand paper cuts and taking a lemon shower.

But before you make a grab for a Nutella jar and a snorkel, check out the elliptical office machine desk. A contraption that looks as if your office had unprotected sex with your gym and abandoned their offspring spawn in your cubicle. Now you have absolutely no excuse not to stick to your workout routine because your workout is always waiting for you in the cozy confines of your cubicle. Sure, you’ll show up to meetings with dinner plate sized pit stains on your suit but no one’s going to notice that when your dress pants hug up nicely around your tight buns of steel.

2. Spend More Time Outdoors 

Besides physically looking good for the New Year, people also want to start feeling good on the inside and aside from taking vitamins and a good diet, a lot of people commit themselves to being more outdoorsy which makes sense because the human body benefits greatly when it goes to a place called “the outside.”  But in a world where you can work, socialize, get a mail order bride, an iPad and some Chinese food delivered to your house with a click of the button, it’s becoming increasingly harder for people to find time (or a good reason) to go outside and deal with mother nature’s  in-your-face blue skies and obnoxious sunlight. Ultimately, being outdoorsy becomes just another resolution that goes by the wayside.

If this is one of the resolutions on our list that’s suffering a slow death, have no fear pale faced basement dweller, as there is now such a thing called a Light Therapy Visor, which is basically like attaching track lighting to your vitamin D deficient face.  The light from the visor gives you the same health benefits as going outdoors without actually having to shower or put on any pants.  Not to mention that a light visor will make you look nothing short of AMAZING, something mother nature can’t do without giving you a tan and a small chance of skin cancer.   Take that fresh air and sunshine!

3. Spend More Time with Family

Obviously this is a resolution reserved solely for those who aren’t so enamored with their family and instead have been guilt-tripped by endless family holiday photos on Facebook into spending more time with their own family in the New Year. A big reason why this resolution fails miserably is because when a family is left to its own devices, they can easily crush your dreams, belittle your life decisions and eat a hole in your self-esteem, five minutes into a pot roast dinner. But when you try to counteract this with a fun and distracting activity like camping, the extended family time will likely cause you to end up being in therapy for a couple years.

But fear not, there’s a Cliff’s Notes version of camping in the form of the flameless marshmallow roaster.  Why hassle with a tent and drop deuces behind a shrub when you can skip to the fun stuff of eating a hot marshmallow on a stick? Your family’s yapping, judgy traps will be stuffed to the gills with sloppy smores. And by the time it’s been devoured, it’ll be time for you to go back home. Bam! Resolution complete — with little to no tears shed!

4. Get a New Hobby

What’s the point of making resolutions if you’re not going to become a better version of yourself? Besides health, fitness and family, breaking out of your comfort zone and learning something new is actually one of those resolutions that seem like the most fun… until you actually put it into action.

Learning how to cook is a popular resolution because there’s only so much Spam, egg and soy sauce you can add to Top Ramen before your realize that if you keep eating salt-lick soup, you’ll be peeing pebbles and that’s shit ain’t cute. But real cooking, the kind that doesn’t involve a microwave and flavor packets, is a skill that some people just naturally pick up while everyone else covers their homemade abominations with ketchup.

But we have faith that you’re the next Bobby Flay and as the next Bobby Flay, you’re not going to have time for amateur things like “reading at measuring cups” and with The Talking Measuring Cup, you don’t have to! Sure, the measurements are right there for you to read, but you’ll be too busy for all that when you’re sautéing and flambé-ing your ass off. This magical talking measuring cup will verbally announce the measurements for you while simultaneously making you feel less alone in the kitchen since everyone else opted to go out to dinner instead.

5. Travel More

One resolution that a lot of people happily make and would love to accomplish is to put some mileage on their passports. A resolution to travel more is something everyone loves to make because you’re goal is to basically go on as many vacations as you can. However, there is a downfall to traveling and it usually happens when you’re unprepared. If  we had a dollar for every time we’ve had a trip that’s been ruined by not bringing the right umbrella then we still wouldn’t have enough to buy off-brand beer at the dollar store. But hey, maybe that’s just us because according to Hammacher Schlemmer, having the wrong umbrella during a trip will ruin your travel plans faster than getting the runs on an 10-hour flight.

Who knew getting the right umbrella would play such an important role in your travels? And of course, the right umbrella is nowhere to be found at your local Wal-Greens you simple bastard, in fact, the right umbrella isn’t even called an umbrella, it’s an Ombrelli and it’s Italian as hell. We’re also assuming that it isn’t  just an ordinary umbrella even though it kind of looks and feels like one, the $ 199.99 price tag tells us that it probably also doubles as a samurai sword or has a secret button that flies you to Narnia. Either way — pair it off with your snazzy light therapy visor and the possibilities for the new year are endless!

Written by Elaine Chaney, professional Nutella snorkeler. Follow her nonsense on Twitter or check out her sausage parties at Shedens.com

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Give it Up: New Year’s Resolutions Are Pointless 
6 Signs You’ve Been Abducted By Aliens 

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