THE SUMMER OF 2013 IS UPON US, and for those of you like us it means we can finally start complaining about the movies we waited all year to see.
The summer of 2009 was sort of a golden age for this.
So, how’s the summer movie season shaping up so far? Let’s put it this way: Between Iron Man 3 and Star Trek into Darkness, the most entertaining film of the year is still Patton Oswalt’s epic filibuster on Parks and Recreation.
Star Wars VII can’t come here fast enough.
Here’s five reasons to believe that the summer movie season probably won’t be getting any better this year.
5. “PHASE TWO” IS ONE BIG WAITING GAME
Yes, Marvel’s The Avengers was one big plate of awesome, but it’s starting to look like ‘Phase One’ in the Marvel Cinematic Universe had a distinct advantage over ‘Phase Two.’ Specifically, none of the films in ‘Phase One’ had to follow anything as Earth-shaking, record-breaking, and erection-inducing as The Avengers turned out to be.
There’s been a significant decline in ass since last year.
The Avengers was basically Independence Day with superheroes. How does one top that? According to every tea-leaf we’ve been handed, the Infinity Gauntlet, apparently. Unfortunately, while Iron Man is cool and all, it’s only natural to feel a wee bit disappointed with the Marvel films this year after the goddamn behemoth that out-grossed Titanic last year. Such is the original sin of ‘Phase Two,’ which was conceived in an epic orgy that will likely take until 2015 to be truly matched.
That is, unless Rocket Raccoon completely blows our mind.
4. MOST OF THE GOOD MOVIES ALREADY CAME OUT
No, we’re not talking about Iron Man 3 and Star Trek into Darkness when we say that. We’re talking about After Earth and White House Down, which already came out this year under the titles Oblivion and Olympus Has Fallen respectively.
We could go back even further, but that’s for another article.
While it is a standard practice for studios to release competing movies against each other, pulling the same trick twice with two of the most prominent movies from the spring is an insult to our attention span. Besides, it’s not like either of these two films as adding anything to one-up their predecessors. Yes, After Earth has Will Smith and his son it in, but it’s still got M. Night Shyamalan in the director’s chair. White House Down? Honestly, Olympus Has Fallen had a better director and cast, even though one of the actors was Gerard Butler.
Just to be safe, it may not be a bad idea to avoid all four movies.
3. THE FUNNIEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR WON’T BE COMING OUT UNTIL AUGUST
We want to be very clear about this: We have absolutely no problem with The Hangover. On the contrary, we enjoyed that film so much that we saw it twice.
Granted, the second time was the same damn movie.
However, there appears to be a serious lack of descent comedies coming out this year, and this summer is no exception. Even worse, with The Hangover Part III already in theaters, we’ll have to wait nearly three months for The World’s End, the epic conclusion to Edgar Wright’s Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy, to hit the United States.
Take our word for it: This will be the funniest movie of the year.
While Kick-Ass 2 will be something to look forward to thanks to Jim Carrey’s inclusion, that film won’t be coming out until mid-August as well. What are we supposed to do until then? Your guess is as good as ours. However, now seems like as good a time as any to reacquaint ourselves with Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz.
How we’ll probably spend our summer.
2. SUPERMAN IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR BATMAN
No, we’re not going to rip on Man of Steel before it’s in theaters. However, we will say that whatever Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan plan to inject into the Superman franchise, originality is not one of them. Simply making a film “edgy” like The Dark Knight does not guarantee its success. It’s going to take more than that, and possibly more than any Superman film to precede this one.
In this movie, Superman flies really high this time!
Man of Steel will take us back for yet another revisiting of Superman’s origins, but what for? Everybody already knows his back-story: last son of Krypton, Smallville, etc. How many times do we need to have this spelled out for us? If anything, retelling Superman’s origins is the exact opposite of what the Dark Knight trilogy was all about because showing Batman’s beginning was something that had never been done before. Why not show us Brainiac instead of General Zod? Or better yet, anybody instead of General Zod?
If Scarecrow was the villain, nobody would complain.
Even last year’s unnecessary Spider-Man reboot had a new villain in it, which was a wise move since retelling an origin everybody already knows is… surprise, surprise, quite boring.
As boring as Superman Returns? Only time will tell.
1. THE WOLVERINE IS ALREADY NOT AS GOOD AS X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST
As we mentioned previously, The Wolverine has some serious baggage that needs to be sorted out before we can walk out of the theater satisfied.
Among them, will the movie be a musical?
However, no matter how good or terrible The Wolverine turns out to be, it’s hard to argue that X-Men: Days of Future Past is going to be anything other than so many kinds of awesome. Unfortunately, this kind of works against The Wolverine just as Avengers 2 is currently working against ‘Phase 2.’ We know that something incredible is in the works, but until it’s finished the film in theaters this summer is the best of what we have for now. Which, unfortunately, kinda sucks.
However, as long as there’s lots of this, we won’t complain.
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