WHEN MY EDITOR ASKED ME TO COVER THE ELECTION BEAT, I said straight up, I’m not allowed to vote. But it was believed this legal restriction would make me purely objective. Boy was she right.
Ask anyone, and they’ll tell you the ideal presidential candidate would embody some kind of Chuck Norris/Shaft composite. Only problem is Chuck Norris is too busy kicking ass to sign things like laws, and Shaft, well, he ain’t even really real. But what if there were a candidate who was close? Someone who brought 50s-era fear mongering, 60s sexuality, 70s swagger, and 80s chauvinism to the table.
Well there is. And his name is Newt Gingrich. And here are five reasons to vote for him, brought to you by the voice of pure reason.
1. Newt Loves Fucking
Who doesn’t love fucking? Yeah, almost everyone right. But who fucks for country? Almost no one. Except Newt. Newt is so patriotic that he will set aside his own marriage vows in order to fuck someone to make America better. No doubt about it. Gingrich attributes his past infidelities to his passion for the country and that his hard work led him to do things that were inappropriate. Remember when he was trying to impeach Clinton? He was so distracted by making America moral that when it came to fucking, his passion for American morality caused him to fuck someone who wasn’t his wife. Now that’s patriotism.
2. Newt Knows How to Treat a Woman
We know he loves fucking. But Newt’s got so much power over women that he can slap one without even raising his hand. Just ask his first wife Jacqueline, with whom, rumour has it, Newt is said to have negotiated the terms of their divorce while at her bedside in a hospital where she was being treated for cancer. Newt was such a supporter of women’s rights that he knew that his wife could find a job so he didn’t need to placate her with things like child support. It wasn’t Newt’s fault he didn’t support her though, she was just too ugly, because according to his former campaign treasurer, Newt said she wasn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. Plus she had cancer. Swoon!
3. Newt is One of Us
He’s a small business owner. In fact he owns tons of small businesses that make millions of dollars just like other American small businesses. It’s probably because he has a simplified business model. His companies only sell one thing: Newt. There’s Gingrich communications, Gingrich productions, Gingrich holdings, and The Gingrich Group, through which Newt offered his guidance to such economic success stories like Freddy Mac.
4. Newt Gingrich is a Badassmuthafugga
With a resume of over 84 ethics violations filed against him while he was speaker of the house, Newt is above the law. Just ask the three Iowa judges Newt helped to get ousted because they tried to uphold a law permitting gay marriage in Iowa.
If there are two things Newt loves other than being a supremely moral badassmuthafugga who loves small businesses and fucking, it’s space and dinosaurs. He’s already promised a space colony by the end of his second term and said in his book, To Renew America, that the dinosaur enthusiasts will benefit from his education reforms. If I had to make a guess, I’d say the moon colony will be used to house the dinosuars that will be used to eat the poor shipped to the moon so Newt can eliminate poverty in America.