Recently, Gawker writer Hamilton Nolan greeted the birth of the royal baby with a call for revolution and imprisoning the royal family. His main beef is that the money they get from taxpayers and likens them to a mob family.
We get it Hamilton, you just attended your first College Socialists meeting.
Being a proud American, it’s in my heritage to want to cast of an oppressive monarchy and ultimately replace it with a plutocracy. However, comparing the royal family to mobsters dishonors the memory of the late James Gandolfini.
Plus, the royals are more useful than Gawker gives them credit for.
1. ROYALS SUSTAIN PRINT INDUSTRY, SPECIFICALLY TABLOIDS
Nolan claims the royal’s earnings suck the public dry while disclaiming the tourist boost that the royals bring.
But the royal family is keeping one domestic industry going: Newspapers. While the Queen’s salary is £36.1 million this year, the newspaper ad industry in the UK is £2.06 bn. Tabloids sustain the news-gathering industry, as any Gawker writer should know. Cut out the royal scandals and suddenly you’ll see reporters, editors and print shop workers out on the street.
This is the reading curriculum for British schoolchildren.
2. ROYALS ARE BETTER THAN KARDASHIANS
Americans like to mock the American media for being obsessed with the royal weddings, babies and fancy balls.
But while the royal family has controversies, its history is filled with honor, courage in battle and connections to other noble families. The Kardashians got famous because the father got OJ Simpson declared not guilty and his daughter made a sex tape. The family makes more than the Queen, with $65 million made in 2010 alone, with far fewer positive contributions.
3. ROYALS HAVE PUT MORE WOMEN IN THE TOP SPOT THAN AMERICA
For all Nolan’s complaints about the royals being an old fashioned throwback, they have the advantage over America in elevating women to power.. While Americans are still fighting about whether women have power of their own bodies, the Royals have put two Queens in power since America’s existence. And those Queens have ruled over 125 years between them, more than half America’s existence.
Charles: “I think the old bird is going to outlive us both.”
If America gets a female president in 2016, it’s likely to be Hillary Clinton, who will ride to power in part because she’s the wife of Bill Clinton. How does that make us all that different?
4. THE FAMILY TREE IS STARTING TO BRANCH
British scientist Charles Darwin gave us a working theory of evolution that explains why all that inbreeding created such wonky royals. It took royals a while, but they have been branching away from using the family reunion as a speed dating session.
The family tree no long grows into itself.
Prince Charles and Diana are 16th cousins once removed and produced two normal-looking sons.
William and Kate are 14th or 15th cousins (depending on how you measure). When you get to levels that even Facebook won’t suggest you to each other, you are doing pretty well at refilling the gene pool.
5. ROYALS — THEY’RE (BECOMING) JUST LIKE US
Let’s give credit to the royals, they are at least trying to be more like the commoners. While Elizabeth, Prince Phillip and Charles are still aloof blue bloods, Diana was the people’s princess, who had worked as a kindergarten teacher and used her fame to fight landmines. Her eldest son William took up her charitable virtues and, in the same vein as many rich students who feel guilt about their privilege, left to teach third world schoolchildren.
Prince Harry has done more than parade in front of military gatherings. He has served in the British military in Iraq. And while in Vegas he did the same thing any of us would do, get shitfaced and did stupid things.
If you’ve never done this, you’ve never done Vegas.
So let’s give the Royals another generation or so and see where they end up. For all we know baby George will be the anarchist punk rocker than ends the royal line and brings the aristocracy back down to Earth among the commoners.