5 Movies as Retold by George R. R. Martin

Innocence is bliss

THE FIRST THREE SEASONS of HBO’s Game of Thrones have been a nerdy wet dream come true for fantasy fans and non-muggles alike. Case in point: This image of a literally smokin’ hot naked chick with a dragon.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

We’ve been waiting forever to own something like this on DVD without sobbing inside.

Considering the show’s overwhelming success and healthy appreciation for nudity, we at The Smoking Jacket have begun to wonder how some of our favorite films would have panned out if penned by the bearded bard behind A Song of Ice and Fire.

For your enjoyment, here’s how we think five famous films, each one of them part of even larger franchises, would have played if they had been written by George R. R. Martin.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

He’s like Santa Claus, only with a sack full of incest and murder.

1. Star Wars, Episode IV: A Spring of Hope

There’s no question that George R. R. Martin would have appreciated the two most important characters in the original Star Wars, and we’re not talking about the Skywalker twins when we say that.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

You know right out of the gate where George R. R. Martin would have taken this.

We’re talking about R2-D2 and C-3PO, the lovable droids who frequently serve as our guides to the Galaxy Far, Far Away. How would George R. R. Martin have handled these beloved fan-favorites? Simply put, the same way he handles his own: Tyrion Lannister and Bronn, one of whom is vertically challenged and has a habit for whistling while he walks, we should mention.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

“We’re doomed.”

Between R2’s whoring and C-3PO’s newfound talent for killing, the first half-hour of Star Wars would have played out way more interestingly on a planet as full of lowlifes and strippers as Tatooine.

As for the rest of the movie, we see it unfolding something like this: Princess Leia sends Bronn and Tyrion to the Dune Sea with a message for General Kenobi (played by a clearly marked for death Sean Bean) because Leia always figured General Kenobi was her father.

Obi was the guy who dropped Leia off with her foster parents on Alderaan, after all… which Darth Vader and Grand Moff Tywin blow up in an attempt to wipe out all Jedi bastards.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Hell, Tywin even looks like Peter Cushing in this picture.

After a whole season of character development and gratuitous nudity, the attack on the Death Star ends in disaster.

The Rebel Alliance is in serious jeopardy, Han Solo gets captured, and Chewie is at serious risk of having his head sewn onto his copilot’s corpse at some point.

Oh, and Luke Skywalker? Yeah, he gets killed, but not before impregnating Leia with their child, which will probably have magical powers due to their twincestuous heritage.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

It’s only safe to assume that this happened onboard the Millennium Falcon.

However, the best part of the movie would undoubtedly be how it ends. Remember how Obi-Wan told Vader that if he struck him down, he would come back more powerful than Vader could possibly imagine?

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Guess who’s Sean Bean in this picture?

Once that crazy wizard is killed, we cut back to Tatooine not too far from where Obi-Wan lived. Remember those bones C-3PO walked past early into the film? They’re totally the kind of thing George R. R. Martin would have slipped into a Star Wars storyline once he realized those bones are supposed to have belonged to a krayt dragon.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

[whisper] Dragons…

With the good guys dead and winter approaching for the Rebellion on Hoth, we cut to these bones to see a Force ghost reanimate them. Obi-Wan is back. AS A DRAGON!!!

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

The Empire Strikes Back just got even more awesome.

2. Harry Potter and the Scandal of Secrets

After being thrown from the Astronomy Tower for catching Professors Quirrell and Snape going at it, Harry wakes in the hospital wing of Hogwarts with no clue how the last movie ended. Once again, everybody’s talking about “The Boy Who Lived” and doing just as little as possible to keep him alive.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Pictured: “The Boy Who Lived.”

Tragically, Harry lost the use of both his legs from his fall. However, since he doesn’t need them to play Quidditch, Harry gets around on a broomstick while the story shifts to some other characters for once. Joffrey Malfoy continues to be a spectacular douchebag to all Gryffindors, this time by making life even more miserable for Ron Weasley by repeatedly tormenting young Ginny.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

We always thought pure-blood was a code word for incest.

While the adults in this movie continue to do nothing, only this time due to commiserating involving Lucius Malfoy, Gilderoy Lockhart, and a whole bunch of witch-whores, Hagrid is sent to Azkaban prison, Ginny gets kidnapped, and Hermione rescues the girl from The Chamber of Secrets due to Ron and Harry being too busy with bullshit in a different part of the castle.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

George R. R. Martin would have stretched this scene across a whole season.

All seems well for our heroes until it’s revealed Hagrid was beheaded at Azkaban. Enjoy the sequel, kids!

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

For some reason, this image exists on the Internet.

3. The Avengers

Captain America is a dwarf, Black Widow and Hawkeye are incestuous twins, Hulk is a hulking albino controlled by a dude in a wheelchair, Thor gets betrayed by his younger brother, Tom Hiddleston, who is also a pimp, and Tony Stark is a bastard.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Just look at that handsome bastard.

4. The Lord of the Rings: A Form of Fellowship

It’s hard to believe that after ten hours and an incalculable number of endings, there’s not a single church, witch, or prostitute in the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

If you consider the Witch-King a witch, congratulations on making Middle-Earth even lamer.

How would things have been different if George R. R. Martin wrote the Lord of the Rings trilogy?

For starters, we’re pretty sure Gandalf’s lack of using real magic would be explained by his repeated insistence that magic “no longer exists” in Middle-Earth, hence his reliance on fireworks and cheap tricks to amuse Hobbits for free food.

Also, we’re positive that life at Hobbiton would have been a whole lot different.

Such as Sam’s attraction to Rosie being complicated by her incestuous marriage to her father instead of shyness on Sam’s part.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

We imagine that would have been Samwise Gamgee’s reaction as well.

However, after shit gets real for Middle-Earth when the Ring of Power is found, our heroes move west with a bunch of characters we meet solely so they can get killed in the next scene.

After most of the hobbits are murdered at Bree, the survivors are guided to Rivendell by the bastard Aragorn for a council with Elrond Targaryen.

Who is Elrond Targaryen? A member of a royal family so inbred that they’ve leveled-up to a realm beyond human understanding.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Pictured: West Virginia.

After agreeing to make the journey provided Gimli can bring plenty of whores and malt beer, half the Fellowship disappears after failing to cross the frozen Wall of Moria.

Also, at some point, Boromir gets killed, but only so he can come back two films later as a Dead Man of Dunharrow.

And then killed again.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Also, his brother gets killed after being mistaken for Sean Bean.

The movie ends on a cliffhanger as an eagle brings news to Elrond’s tomboy daughter Arwen about Aragorn’s fate following the disaster at Moria.

After learning that Aragorn is alive but that he and Legolas are now gay, Arwen decides she’s had enough for this shit and hops on the eagle to actually do something for the next two movies.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Either seedy slash fiction or what Arwen would see if she looked into the Mirror of Galadriel.

5. Back to the Future

Same as the original, except we see in full detail that Marty is his own father. Also, that Lea Thompson had to shave her pubic hair for this role.

What X Films Would Have Been Like If George R. R. Martin Wrote Them

Oh, don’t look so surprised.

 

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