We get it, celebrities are people too. So, there’s no reason for us to pretend to be surprised when a news story breaks about some famous dude who gets caught cheating on his smoking hot and equally famous wife or girlfriend. That shit happens.
But every once in awhile, we catch wind of those other cheating stories. The kind of cheating stories that leave us all wondering “what in the hell would possess a guy to cheat on ______________ with ______________?”
Here are five guys who filled in those blanks in the most absurd ways possible.
5 Tiger Woods Cheats on Elin Nordegren with a Perkins Waitress
Remember the days when all we knew of the Tiger Woods cheating scandal was that his wife may have bashed him in the face with a nine iron because he cheated on her with that Rachel Uchitel woman? It was a more innocent time for us as a nation then.
Sure, it was completely distasteful of him to be cheating on the mother of his children and we acknowledged that most guys would throw their mother from a moving vehicle if it meant they got to come home to a woman like Elin Nordegren every night. But still, Rachel Uchitel was kind of hot too and was pretty successful in her own right. So it wasn’t much of a stretch to think that it could happen. But then, the floodgates opened.
Withing a few days, stories were pouring in about all of the other women he had been with, and the news just kept getting worse. And then came Mindy Lawton. She was officially the fourth Woods’ mistress to come out publicly, and men the world over paused for a collective facepalm when we heard that she was some chick he met while she was working at Perkins.
Let us reassure you, we’re not saying there is anything even remotely wrong being a waitress. What we’re saying is that when you reach a certain level of success, there are just some lines you don’t cross, if for no other reason than your own best interests.
If you’re promising a girl who makes $4.28 per hour plus tips that you’re going to leave your wife for her only to turn around and ditch her after you get tired of banging her, don’t be at all surprised when she sells the explicit details of your affair to TMZ.com for half a million dollars or some shit. We’re all just trying to win in this world. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he engaged in a friendly game of “Who’s Fucking Who?” with Mindy Lawton and lost in a lopsided blowout. It could happen to any selfish, spoiled asshole golfer.
4 Eric Benet Cheats on Halle Berry With Someone Who Wasn’t Halle Berry
Really, Eric Benet? You snag Halle Berry and manage to fuck it up by cheating on her? Repeatedly? To be honest, we don’t even have anything to compare and contrast with here. Why do we need it? She’s Halle Berry!
Do you know why the world really didn’t raise much of a stink when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston? Because he left her for Angelina Jolie. That’s what human resources experts call a “lateral move.” There are definitely advantages to either situation, but in the end, it’s like trading in a Blackberry for an iPhone. Either way, whatever you have is pretty awesome. Shut up, gadget nerds, that analogy makes sense.
Where’s your iPhone, Eric Benet? Seriously, we’re asking.
3 Tiki Barber Cheats on his Pregnant Wife With a TV Intern
Tiki Barber didn’t exactly move downward to cheat. It’s more like the way he went about it moved him downward in the eyes of everyone else. Prior to his scandal, people just knew Tiki Barber as a great running back who retired young and immediately and publicly shit on his teammates like a bitch only to see them go on to win a Super Bowl the following season, a feat he never accomplished. Nothing bad about that! At least nothing that being mildly charismatic on Football Night in America and having blindingly white teeth can’t overcome.
But once news hit that Tiki Barber bailed on his wife, at the time pregnant with twins, so he could shack up with a hot 25-year old NBC intern, Tiki Barber became that guy who gives up on his team for a TV job, talks shit about them on that TV job AND leaves his pregnant wife for an intern. Suddenly, all that shit that came before “and” in the last sentence matters a whole lot to people.
We all had our suspicions Tiki Barber was kind of a dick before he ditched the wife. The way he did it just confirmed those suspicions.
2 Hugh Grant Cheats on Elizabeth Hurley with a Prostitute
Let’s get something kind of important out of the way right away. Hugh Grant didn’t cheat on Elizabeth Hurley with some sort of high class escort. This wasn’t Eliot Spitzer shelling out five grand per month in well earned hush money to a strong 9.5 and possible 10 in exchange for her silence.
This was a relatively handsome and wealthy British actor dating one of the most beautiful women on the planet and somehow still finding himself worked up enough that a $25 dollar from blowie from a Hollywood hooker seemed like a legitimately good idea. Even as minimum wage earning internet comedy writers, we’re still averse to delving into that kind of strange if at all possible.
Come on, man. You’re Hugh Grant and you’re in Hollywood and you opt for the $25 hooker? You couldn’t just handle that boner with a quick trip to a bar? $25 worth of drinks combined with the fact that you’re Hugh goddamn Grant is enough to get you a BJ in at least 90% of the bars in the state of California and probably the entire country.
1 Jesse James Cheats on Sandra Bullock With a Nazi
Maybe it’s just us being overly cautious, but as a general rule, we’ve always avoided sleeping with Nazis. Like, for as long as we can remember. For his failure to fall in line with this most basic of mating rules, Jesse James take the top spot in the race to become the man who cheated down farther than any other.
Sure, when they met it seemed like maybe Sandra Bullock’s career was on the decline, so maybe if you have a shot at Julia Roberts or something you go for it. That’s just retirement security is all. But damn, a Nazi? Unless you’re already banging another white supremacist, something we’ve already gone on record as being strictly against, there is nothing your woman could ever possibly do to justify being cheated on with a chick who has a swastika tattoo.
Fun fact: that chick has tattoos on her forehead. Lots of them. Do you know what that means? That means the SS hat actually makes her look better. And no, we’re not saying tattoos on a woman are a bad thing. We’re just saying forehead tattoos are some Charles Manson shit and if you have one please stay the fuck away from us.
But that’s not the path Jesse James is on. At the same time his wife was on course for one of the biggest comebacks in Hollywood history, he locked eyes with the neo-Nazi across the room his little Hitler heiled. The rest is history. And completely fucking baffling.