5 Christmas Presents That Will Get You Laid

5 Christmas Presents That Will Get You Laid

It’s the thought that counts, especially if that thought is bringing in the holiday cheer by stuffing her stocking just right. Since you’re going to get her a present anyways, why not get a gift that’s going to put her in the “giving holiday mood,” a certain magical something that will have her thanking you with a “thoughtful gift of her own.”  Lucky for you, we know exactly what kind of gifts will have your girlfriend/wife “opening her store on Christmas day.”  (Sex euphemisms that don’t suck is on our Christmas wish list this year but until then, have a seat, there’s more to come.)

Here’s five gift ideas that will help you get laid this Christmas.

If You Have Money: PLAN A VACATION

You would assume that guys who have money should be getting plenty of action already so gift giving shouldn’t be a problem. But just because you’ve got that paper doesn’t mean that whatever present you get her will be appreciated the way you want it to be.

A brand new iPhone or a food processor will get you an over-the-pants handjob at best. What you need to get your woman and the holiday sausage in your pants is a VACATION. Nothing drops panties faster than a woman who’s relaxed with absolutely no worries on her mind except to wonder if room service can replace the orange juice and champagne in her mimosa with tequila.

Planning a vacation where she can unwind, unplug and put her all focus on the man that helped her get away from it all will put you on the expressway to getting some season’s greetings ass.

If You’re On a Budget: PLAN A ‘STAYCATION’

Can you still get that sugar cookie even if the only lump in your pants is your junk because you’re a disgusting bastard that doesn’t wear underwear? We understand that peasant peen need love too and thankfully, going on an elaborate, money-sucking cruise to the Caribbean or a tour of Italy isn’t the only way to guarantee a score. You can get the same results by taking your girl on a “staycation.” Despite sounding like the name of a bastard Kardashian child from Alabama (Staycation Kardashian needs to be a real thing by the way, get to work E!), “staycations” are actually a great alternative to an all-out vacation. They’re cheaper and easier to plan, you don’t have to waste any vacation days if you go during a weekend and you don’t have the hassle of traveling and getting your crotch tonsils fondled at the airport by TSA.

Get a hotel room downtown for the weekend and explore what the city has to offer with your lady. To save some extra dough and get ideas on activities, sign up for Groupon, a bargain coupon company that notifies you via email or through your smart phone about local deals for restaurant, movies, sporting activities and events in and around your town. Having prepared activities and restaurant reservations shows you thought ahead and those kind of guys are usually appreciated by their women in the best possible way you can appreciate someone while being horizontal.

If She’s Your Wife: GET A PERSONAL CHEF

It may surprise you to know that your laundry doesn’t get done by magic fairies, the dinner on your table isn’t delivered to the door every night pre-prepared by Rachel Ray and your kids’ boogers don’t just magically clean themselves off their faces. Most likely, the ‘magical’ person doing these never-ending jobs is your wife. Why not give her a gift that helps her take a load off and hire a personal chef. This is really a great gift for everyone, especially your busy wife who can cross off one of the most time consuming chores of her day. It gives her a chance to take a load off while someone else handles dinner. Getting a personal chef is two gifts in one for her; relaxation AND delicious meals with zero effort.

You can bet that a man who gets his wife a personal chef will be revered as a hero, a myth and a legend within her circle of friends and family and the thank you that you’ll get in the bedroom will definitely go down in the history books. (Maid service will also garner the same grateful results.)

If She’s Your Girlfriend: JEWELRY WITH A PERSONAL TOUCH

A girlfriend isn’t that much different from a wife except for the fact that she has yet to find out that you like to scratch your back with kitchen utensils while watching a COPS marathon in your boxers. Before possibly treating her to years of that unfortunate gift, give her something this Christmas that will remind her that voluntarily turning down all other mens’ harder pecs and bigger Christmas stockings for your meager offerings, was a good decision. There’s no better way to make you look like a Ryan Gosling upgrade than the twinkle of jewelry. And not just any type of jewelry, you have to personalize it with either her birthstone, an thoughtful engraving or tie in the piece of jewelry to a memorable event you had as a couple.

Maybe a necklace with a charm that reminds you of your first date or the beautiful sunrise you both saw that one time at that bed and breakfast, right before you got wasted and trashed your room… together. It doesn’t have to be terribly expensive either because it’s just a supporting cast member to the real gift of you putting some thought behind it. The sentimentality that comes along with it immediately makes it expensive for her in an emotional sense. Jewelry makes a girl feel beautiful and feminine and when it’s given to them by their boyfriend with some loving thought behind it, that feeling is magnified and will probably manifest itself into some Santa/Mrs. Santa role play debauchery in the bedroom where you’ll nail your “ho-ho-hooooo” face.

If it’s Last Minute: GET CREATIVE

We know it happens and it happens a lot. Guys who put off the gift buying because they had no clue what to get her in the first place. Instead, they played X-Box, watched football and ate nachos, hoping this would magically flood them with great gift ideas. Research shows that this method magically gets you zero chance of getting any Christmas nookie and possibly the additional chance of ringing in the New Year kissing your cat, and we don’t think we have to tell you that’s a completely different brand of pussy.

Instead of running to Rite-Aid and fashioning a gift basket out of cough syrup and soda, how about buying a calendar, circling one date on each month and gift her with a “Date-A-Month” service in which one day out of the month, you take her out on a date you planned so all she has to do is be whisked away by her procrastinating prince. Not only is this a gift that’s quick, easy and thoughtful like a motherfucker, it also buys YOU some major holiday cheer that could last all year. And to really nail the holiday hump, circle the date you’re exchanging gifts for Christmas, set up a living room picnic/dinner with her favorite chick flick movie ready to go and declare that as your ‘first’ date of December.

Try not to get a cramp in your candy cane from all the marathon lovin’ you’ll be getting after this gift.  You can thank us later.  Preferably with bacon.

Written by Elaine Chaney who did some bad things to your Elf on the Shelf last night. Follow her antics on Twitter or check out her sausage parties on Shedens.com.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
5 Christmas Presents That Will Get You Laid 
The 12 Days of Christmas-themed Smut 
Is Santa Claus Incompetent? 

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