5 Things to Expect from Kim and Kanye When They Become Parents

5 Awful Things to Expect When Kim and Kanye Become Parents

If at any time the author of ‘The Secret’ wanted to show some real evidence on the supposed universal law of ‘like attracts like,’ all she would have to do is point at the nauseating coupling of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. If celebrity couples were grocery store items, Jay-Z and Beyonce would be with the prime ribs while Kim and Kanye kick it in the Top Ramen aisle, because like Top Ramen, no one admits to really liking them, but they’re cheap, they’re easy to access and they temporary fulfill the public’s shameful hunger for celebrity gossip.  Unfortunately, unlike Top Ramen, we can’t add an egg and bacon bits to make Kim and Kanye easier to digest.

And now these two narcissists have gone and created another type of mirror to fawn over – a baby.  A little version of themselves that’s a blank canvass ready to be made exactly how they picture themselves to be and there’s not much we can do but sit back and watch in horror as it spits up all over our everyday lives.

Here are five awful things we can expect when these two become parents.

1. Nonstop Coverage

Kim recently said that she wanted to start being more ‘private’ when it comes to their personal lives and it looks like they’re doing a real good job.

Hats (and pants) off  to privacy!  

Despite their claims of wanting more privacy, rest assured that shit is not going to happen. If you think the media couldn’t possibly follow Kim and Kanye any more than they already do, think again.  After their baby arrives, there’s going to be a bidding war between the magazines on who gets to photograph the family first.  The magazines who don’t get the big shoot will post ‘leaks’ of the shoot, re-publish the actual shoots for months and tell stories about what really happened behind-the-scenes of the shoot.  E! Entertaiment will report every burp, every diaper change and every time Kanye holds his baby to the clouds while sing rapping the Circle of Life.  The coverage will be nauseating, it will be bountiful and it will attack us from all sides of the grocery store line.  Be warned.

2. The MILF Fashion Line

It’s no joke that motherhood can change your very being and celebrities are no exception.  Usually, this profound moment in their lives inspires most celebs to relay their experience to other mothers-to-be in the form of a book.  Celebrity mothers like Brooke Shields, who tackled the powerful subject of her postpartum depression or Jenny McCarthy, who put a light hearted and humorous spin on pregnancy and motherhood.

In Kim’s case, her trials and tribulations as a mother won’t take form in something that involves things like reading (duh), rather it will take form in something that’ll make you look like, totally mega hot! A new fashion line marketed specifically for MILFs like herself will definitely be in the works.  How else can she convey to everyone that she’s balancing sexy and motherhood so much better than any mom could ever imagine than putting her name on a line of clothing for mothers who are both concerned about caring for their child as well as still looking fuckable.  A target market that is now, just limited to the most basic of women, but will probably grow exponentially as Kim single-handedly make being a sexpot mother with a baby accessory the latest fashion trend.

3. The Weight Loss Endorsement

The downfall of motherhood is the weight you gain when you’re pregnant and the uphill battle to try and get back to your pre-baby weight while you’re sleep deprived with a baby attached to your leaky boobs 24 hours a day. The pressure to lose weight for the average woman is tenfold for the new celebrity mother but decidedly easier to lose with nannies to watch their babies while they work out with their personal trainer and a private chef cooks their spaghetti tofu squash cake.  Never mind the weight loss endorsement deals that are thrown on their lap shortly after they plant their placenta tree… CINDY CRAWFORD.

Kim and Kanye will obviously take this to the next level of obnoxiousness by getting endorsements for both of them.  So even if you’ve never seen one episode of the The Kardashians and turn the channel on awards show where Kanye blindsides unsuspecting pop singers on stage; after they have their baby, there will be no escape.  As you innocently watch ‘Who’s the Boss’ and ponder the deeper meaning that the title implies (who really IS the boss? Angela? Tony? Or producer Martin Cohan who also produced “Let my People Go, The Story of Israel,’ which was about God and maybe THAT’S the real boss… GOD.  Yes, go ahead, have another special brownie.)

Unfortunately your deep thoughts about the life will be rudely interrupted as Kim and Kanye strut their much better, much skinnier, way more sexier-than-you selves on a Nutri-system commercial that will air about 50 times during a half hour show; a buzzkill that’s just about enough to turn even the most spiritual of prophets into a cynical atheist.

4. Kanye Being More Kanye-y

Fatherhood will not derail Kanye’s need to be the most majestic Kanye he can be.  In fact, the baby will just serve as a new vehicle for Kanye to be more …. KANYE’Y.  And even though we just made up that word, you know EXACTLY what we mean.

While other men curb their selfish ways and become a more responsible version of themselves after they become fathers, Kanye will undoubtedly go the opposite route but cleverly disguise his actions as that of an inspired father.  Expect endless songs about his baby that will inevitably turn into songs about him, which will then be sold to the public as an anthology set with a Limited Edition package that includes a DVD of the actual birth of their baby produced by Stephen Spielberg with CGI effects.  He’ll make up a nickname for himself that’s a combination of his name, Kim’s name and the baby’s name (but mostly his name) and address himself with said nickname in the third person when Oprah interviews him on how he’s taken on the role of dad better than anyone in the history of fatherhood.

5. Kim Barfs Motherly Inspiration: Annoys the World

While Kanye celebrates himself, Kim will also be throwing her own “yay me” party through every possible social media network she can download on her smart phone.  Be prepared for endless Instagram inspirational motherhood memes, willow filtered photographs of her fully made up face looking lovingly at her baby from behind her fake eyelashes and ‘important’ posts for mothers on Facebook about the benefits of breastfeeding (You get to show off your boob in public!).  The baby will eat the most obscure, most expensive organic foods and insinuations will be made that any mother who doesn’t feed their baby the same is obviously not as great of a mother as her.

Kim’s next tidal wave of self-importance is building with each passing month of her pregnancy and when it finally crashes, it will be awful and it’ll come in the form of a baby Bjorn adorned with crystals and a built in iPad filled with educational apps. (Because, obviously their baby WILL be smarter than yours peasant.)

Written by Elaine Chaney who likes her Top Ramen with a side of Spam.  Follow her on Twitter and check out her daily sausage parties on Shedens.

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