5 Amazing Movies We’ll Never Get to See

As demonstrated by the The Star Wars Holiday Special and Disney’s Song of the South, there are some films that are probably never coming out on Blu-ray/DVD combos next Christmas. However, while both those films are available for viewing on YouTube, there is still a whole library of incredible movies the world remembers but will unfortunately likely never see. Behold, a list of films so incredible that they are not even available for illegal download. 

5. THE STORY OF THE KELLY GANG

WHAT IT IS

This is where it all started, people. The first first full-length motion picture in the history of the world as we know it.

Not counting Christ/Off by Leonardo da Vinci.

The Story of the Kelly Gang clocked in at a then-ridiculous 60 minutes, consisted of six scenes and cost £1,125 to produce. It hit theaters on December 26, 1906 like a freight train operated by the single drunkest Frenchman on the planet, blowing away everyone who saw it.

Sort of like this.

WHY IT’S AWESOME

Imagine going to visit your great-grandpa in a nursing home, only if your great-grandpa was one of those convicts the British dumped off in Australia. Now, imagine if said great-grandpa was really a movie and that he looked like this:

“SAY HALLO TO MY LITTLE FRIENDS!!!”

That’s right, that slice of sepia starring you down like an old timey Lord Humungus is an actual scene from the climax where our anti-hero Ned Kelly goes down like Tony Montana wearing a makeshift suit of armor.

WHY YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT

Only 10 minutes of the original survived, and it took no less than one hundred years just to recover another seven.  That’s only 17 minutes of the most awesome anything of its time, every single second of which looks like it belongs in the Criterion Collection more than Armageddon ever did.

It looks like a hybrid of every awesome movie ever made.

4. THE WEREWOLF

WHAT IT IS

 The first werewolf film movie ever made and arguably the first zombie movie.

Whatever it is, it’s already better than this.

WHY IT’S AWESOME

It’s like Dances with Wolves, only Stands With A Fist transforms into a werewolf to avenge her fallen husband from the white man. Kevin Costner kills her, but then she comes back from the dead to wreck havoc 100 years later.

Picture this, only with more zombie werewolves.

WHY YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT

 The film was destroyed in a fire in 1924, we’re guessing by a band of villagers determined to keep werewolves movies from being this awesome.

Where the hell were these people when New Moon premiered?

3. IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT

WHAT IT IS

The original cut of what just might be the funniest movie of all time.

Could its movie poster possibly be any more awesome.

WHY IT’S AWESOME

The movie was literally an epic comedy. It featured over 50 stars ranging from Spencer Tracy to the Three Stooges, insane stunts, every pretty car from the period, and some of the funniest gags ever committed to film. The theatrical cut ran 3 hours, but that’s been trimmed down to around 2.5 hours today. However, director Stanley Kramer’s widow has verified rumors that a 5 hour cut of the comedy exists—or at least existed at some point.

Yup, it’s more awesome.

WHY YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT

The quest for the lost scenes of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World has become as wild as the search for the $350,000 in the film. TCM recently clobbered together a +3 hour cut of the film, but this is both unavailable on DVD and grainy as hell. If a 5 hour cut of the film exists in any form, we don’t know where it is… yet.

For all we know, it could be right behind us.

2. THE CONTENTS OF STANLEY KUBRICK’S GARAGE 

WHAT IT IS

Deleted/unused footage from A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Barry Lyndon, “some little parts of 2001” and whatever else the old man hid from the world.

We’re guessing he stored them right next to his sanity.

WHY IT’S AWESOME

A lost ending to The Shining, more than 20 minutes from 2001: A Space Odyssey, Tony Curtis giving Laurence Olivier a bath in Spartacus, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman going at it: That’s a horde which has been described as “thousands of cans” of film from the collected filmography of one of the most influential/oddball directors of the past century.

WHY YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT

The ingenious asshole personally supervised its mass-burning, taking with it countless unanswered questions to some of the greatest films ever made.

We’re guessing this was all that remained the next morning.

1. THE BREAKFAST CLUB: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT

WHAT IT IS

A version of the film which John Hughes claimed to own: An uncut version closer to the script’s 2.5 hour story.

In this edition, there was even more angst.

WHY IT’S AWESOME

The Breakfast Club hails from that brief period in recent history when most movies ran about 90 minutes. At two and a half hours, that’s almost enough to qualify as its own movie—or at the very least, its own direct-to-video cash in.

A Breakfast Club one of these probably would have outgrossed Anchorman.

WHY YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT

 John Hughes is dead, so unless his family goes through his old VHS collection, we’ll probably never know what really happened during this extra hour of footage. This means the only option is to sit down and actually read the film’s screenplay, which is sort of contrary to what the film is about until you plan on smoking weed and sticking it to public educators while you’re at it.

The moral of the story: Bender is unemployed.

 

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