4 Ridiculous Attempts to Explain the Unexplained

4 Ridiculous Attempts to Explain the Unexplained

Human beings are the only species on the planet who have become Earth’s annoying toddler, relentlessly asking the world “why” while simultaneously shitting all over it. However, our innate curiosity has led to some pretty amazing discoveries about ourselves and the world around us. Unfortunately, scientists and scholars have gotten a pretty big head about these accomplishments. Instead of humanity’s discoveries opening up our minds to different possibilities and theories; in some cases, it’s done quite the opposite. Rather than admitting that they don’t know and in order to continue being the know-it-all champions of the universe, scientists and scholars pull a Floyd Mayweather and throw half-assed explanations and excuses to make certain unexplained things just go away.

Here are four examples of ridiculous explanations for the unexplained.

1. Crop Circles

Crop circles have been around for a long time with sightings dating back to when Larry King graduated from high school around 300 hundred years ago. Over time, the designs grew massive in scale with one crop circle reported to be about 200,000 square feet. Crop circle sightings began to spread faster than tramp stamps on college girls with daddy issues. Stranger still were that these giant crop circles appeared from nowhere seemingly overnight. Some folks claimed that these were messages or markings left by UFOs and extraterrestrials. These same folks probably felt like total dumb asses when, in 1991, two guys named Doug Brower and Dave Chorley claimed that the crop circles in Wiltshire England, (where a majority of crop circles occur) were creations that they made with a 2 x 4 piece of wood, some rope and their lack of a social life. After Doug Brower, Dave Chorley and their group of circle makers claimed responsibility for the field graffiti, even showing the local news how they flattened the wheat stalks, most people lost interest in the phenomena and all future crop circle discoveries were assumed to be man-made and ignored.

Why it’s ridiculous:

The crop stomping method that Brower and Chorley used would explain the phenomena of crop circles if the designs only consisted of a couple circles in a field. However, almost all crops circles that have been found are most definitely not just a circle. In fact, a crop circle isn’t even an accurate name to describe them because the formations have moved far beyond simple circles. From three dimensional faces that can only be seen from the air to binary messages encoded into the field, the theory that these were done by a bunch of insomniacs with some extra lumber lying around seems as improbable as the plots in M. Night Shamalan’s movies. It also didn’t account for the other hundreds of crop circles that were seen before Brower and Chorley started their Lord of the Dance routines in the crop fields of England nor could it explain the traces of Mercury and plant and soil abnormalities commonly found in crop circles.

One example of a crop circle even appeared to be a response to a message that NASA had sent into space in 1974 with the Arecibo telescope. The simple message composed by astronomer Carl Sagan explained who we were, where we were in the galaxy, our DNA make-up, the instrument we used to send the message and a plea to abduct Ryan Seacrest (okay so maybe not the last one).

To say that a group of people from an English town could have known about NASA’s space mail let alone comprehend it THEN stamp out a response onto some unsuspecting farmer’s field in the middle of the night, unseen, at such a massive scale, sounds almost as ridiculous as someone calling somebody before texting them first. (Who are these crazy people and how can we send them into space?)

2. Big Foot: The Patterson Film

The Patterson-Gimlin film was taken on October 20, 1967 and is probably the most well-known video of Bigfoot ever documented. The footage shows a gigantic, hairy creature, walking upright into the forest and has been explained away as simply being a man in a monkey suit. People say that Patterson and Gimlin, the two men who filmed this, were also making a documentary about Bigfoot and ‘coincidentally’ happened to catch the real thing. The story just stank awful of a big time hoax. The kind of luck into capturing an authentic Bigfoot while making a film about it seemed completely unbelievable. Patterson’s reputation for being good at the crazy talk and using it for a profit, like self-publishing his own Bigfoot book a couple years prior, was the main skid mark stains in their credibility. The video seemed like just another Bigfoot scheme to add to his record and that the hairy creature he caught on tape was nothing more than a guy in a suit.

Why it’s ridiculous:

The Patterson film was made in 1967; a time where video/portable filming was fairly new but compared to the picture quality today, most homemade videos from the ’60s looked like they were filmed with a used condom on the lens. However, despite the crude video equipment analyzed by our more highly advanced equipment, experts still can’t completely debunk the video. Bill Munns, a former Hollywood creature affects maker who has designed costumes and suits for Hollywood movies like, The Swamp Thing, and knows a great deal about anatomical analysis, (ie: he can spot a dude in a monkey suit as easy as we can spot a blue vein on Christina Aguilera’s boobs), got access to the actual film so he could analyze it. The fact that he saw the actual film that it was recorded on is important to note because prior to this, everyone else had analyzed a copy of a copy of a copy of the actual film footage, which compromised the quality and made it difficult to fully see every detail of the video. Bill Munns analyzed Bigfoot’s stride, body movements, arm swings and nothing clearly points that this was just a guy in a very elaborate monkey suit.

The proportions of the Bigfoot on film did not  line up with the proportions of a human being. If a normal man lined up his knee with Bigfoot’s knee in the footage, his arms would have to be 10 percent longer to fit in a suit, his hips would have to be lower and he would have had to have higher shoulders. The leg proportions were also suspect, with its thighs being larger than the calf. To sum up, if this was a suit, no human being would be able to wear it let alone be able to walk in the suit like it was second skin. Mr. Munn also noted that as the creature walked, there was a muscle tension groove on the thigh that further nails home the possibility that, unlike 70 percent of people’s faces in Orange County, California, the creature caught on Patterson’s film was most likely biologically real.

3. The Ruins of Ollantaytambo

The ruins of Ollantaytambo are located in the Andes mountains, 9000 feet above sea-level, which in layman’s terms is pretty fucking high. An ancient city was found here that’s so old, educated guesses date the civilization that lived there as Arak people, ie: the first humans who probably kicked it with Adam and Eve. But what really makes the ruins interesting is the unexplained level of technology that seemed to have gone into how they built their cities, specifically with their impressive stonework. Buildings built from massive interlocking blocks that are smooth and pieced together so precisely that a single human hair can’t fit between them. The ruins also show that the structures were designed to absorb the shock of an earthquake. Some of the granite stones used for building these structures weigh as much as 50 tons. People have wondered how this early civilization of man could have possibly cut these giant rocks from another mountain; moved them across a plain and up to another mountain without the help of modern machinery. Mainstream archaeologists’ explanation is that the stones were cut and shaped with bronze tools.

Why it’s ridiculous.

The explanation that these buildings were put together through sheer ancient man elbow grease and small hand tools is like telling someone that airplanes are pieced together with paper and pancake syrup. Even today, to move a 50 ton rock would require heavy machinery, hydraulic jacks and pulley machines. Experts also can’t explain how these stones appeared to be ‘fused’ together as early man could not have produced a heat source hot enough to melt stone.  At the Temple of the Condor, a mountain where huge sections of the stone seemed to have been quarried from with such pristine accuracy that there were no signs of scratches on the surface, a criss-cross pattern is found at the bottom of these cuts that looks more like it was done by a large saw rather than simple hand tools, never mind the fact that no tool in the stone age times could have cut these rocks.

4. Arizona Lights

The mysterious lights, dubbed the “Phoenix Lights,” were witnessed by thousands of people in Phoenix Arizona on March of 1997. A formation of odd lights remained in the air for a prolonged period of time, with each light illuminating slowly until it formed a V pattern, putting on a memorable light show for the Arizona citizens.  Witnesses claim they saw a slow moving object with lights that gave off no sounds and appeared to have a 300 foot wingspan. The lights were evenly placed and appeared to be attached to a massive object that blocked sections of stars in the night sky as it moved along in a perfect triangle formation. The strange object later accelerated at top speed and disappeared in absolute silence. After receiving calls from Arizona citizens reporting the unidentified flying object, city officials could not explain what the lights were or where they had come from.  They confirmed that they did not  have any blown fuses or transformers that could have produced a similar flash or illumination to what people saw that evening. Later, they stated that these lights were either just simple flares or planes flying in formation.

Why it’s ridiculous:

The explanation that a uniformed, slow moving, group of lights were flares could have only made sense to someone who was actually blinded by a flare and lost all memory of what a flare actually looks like. The characteristic of a flare (sporadic flickering and smoke) simply does not line up with the description of the lights that were observed by thousands of people on that clear evening in March. The explanation that these lights were just planes flying in formation is also inadequate. The Phoenix lights had none of the lights a typical plane would have (such as navigation lights, positioning lights, etc.), along with the fact that a group of planes would not have been able to fly as slowly as this object was observed to be flying at.  Also, the high but silent acceleration it conducted before it disappeared is something that planes flying in formation could not have done.

Written by Elaine Chaney, who believes everything was done by aliens, including your mom. Follow her on Twitter and check out her daily sausage parties at Shedens.com.

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