They say that love is blind and that there isn’t a wrong way to make a family. We decided to simultaneously prove the former right and make the latter sound like a steaming pile of bullshit. Here are the four people who are going to help us with that:
4. Bimbala Das
Animal Spouse: Cobra
The story of Bimbala Das is one inexplicable amnesia away from being the plot of a cheap, daytime soap opera. Born into a poor family in the Indian state of Orissa, Bimbala fell sick one day and couldn’t afford treatment. But then she was miraculously cured by an unlikely savior, fell in love with him and decided they should marry… only for the groom to chicken out and not show up to the wedding.
This probably would have been way sadder if Bimbala’s beau wasn’t a cobra snake.
Bimbala and her family claim that the 30yo woman overcame her unspecified illness only after offering milk to a snake that lived in the nearby anthill… which OBVIOUSLY meant that the reptile was in love with Das and totally wanted to go all hentai on her lady parts. The elders of the village felt the same way and OK-ed the wedding, hoping that it’d bring good luck to everyone. But when the big day came, the snake refused to come out of the anthill, to general dismay of Bimabala and over 2,000 wedding guests.
So instead, a brass snake replica stood in place of the groom because, apparently, men really don’t have a say in anything when it comes to weddings, Women, right?
3. Sharon Tendler
Animal Spouse: Dolphin
There is no way to talk about Sharon Tendler without making her story sound like the result of drunken Mad Libs: Tendler is a 41yo (random occupational mash up) clothing importer and rock band promoter who married a (animal) dolphin named (girl’s name) Cindy in (the last fucking place you’d ever imagine) Israel but doesn’t consider it to be (what this situation is) balls weird.
Tendler “met” Cindy more than 20 years ago when she visited Israel’s Dolphin Reef for vacation and claims it was love at first sight. But not, like, sexual love or anything (because that would be creepy). Tendler instead says that her attraction to Cindy is really more spiritual and emotional and realizes that their “wedding,” where she wore a veil and kissed Cindy, has no real legal bearing. She also insists that she isn’t the jealous type which is great, considering that bottlenose dolphins are one of the few species that commit group rape. Boy, her and Cindy’s first Christmas together must have been awkward.
2. Karnamoni Handsa
Animal Spouse: Dog
In 2003, Karnamoni Handsa (9) was discovered to have a tooth rooted to her upper gum and long story short, she married a dog. Here’s the long story:
The Indian Santhal tribe believes that teeth rooted to the upper gum are a bad omen and will bring disaster on the village if something isn’t done. For reasons that aren’t very clear, that something is apparently marrying a dog, which is exactly what Karnamoni ended up doing. Her groom? Bacchan, a local stray dog, who was married to the girl in a giant ceremony attended by 100 people drunk off home-made booze because, frankly, if there ever was a reason to get smashed on bootleg hooch, it’s at the wedding of a 9 yo girl and a stray dog.
Thankfully, the marriage doesn’t prevent Karnamoni from marrying a human in the future.
1. Charles Tombe
Animal Spouse: Goat
Rape is a serious worldwide problem that should never, under any circumstances, be made fun of… unless it’s a case of a man raping a goat and then being forced to marry it. That shit’s hilarious.
The “shit” in question went down 7 years ago in Sudan when one Charles Tombe was caught slipping the old pork sword into his neighbor’s goat one lonely February night. After being tied up and reported to the village elders, Charlie’s fate looked bleak because it turns out Africa isn’t the raunchy land of out of control liberals the movies make it out to be. Luckily, someone noticed that Tombe raping a goat wouldn’t be THAT bad if he was actually married to it so that’s what they had him do.
Sadly, this love story of an elderly goat rapist and his bearded, livestock victim did not have a happy ending. About a year after their marriage, Tombe’s goat wife, unofficially named Rose, passed away after chocking on a plastic bag… and it may not have been an accident! Not that we’re suggesting foul play but before she died, Rose gave birth to a male kid which reportedly looked nothing like Tombe(!) and jealousy… well, it can make a man do crazy things. But not fuck goats. Charlie did that one all on his own.