Laws are society’s way of making sure the entire civilization doesn’t end up turning the Earth into a fiery, murdery ball of masturbating, thieving, nightmare-circus clowns. They are pretty damn necessary. The rule of law is a very confusing frontier that has been baffling folks around the globe for thousands of years. There are quite a few laws that make sense. The whole ‘don’t kill people’ thing is pretty righteous. Laws that protect consumers from the greed of giant spooky corporations makes absolute sense. Here are some weird laws on the books that will give you a glimpse into Lady Justice’s weird and freaky side.
1. Gas Up Before Hitting The Autobahn
If you happened upon some poisonous forest mushrooms while camping in the Black Forest, ate them and proceeded to hallucinate and absolutely freak the fuck out–you might have accidentally decided that driving on the autobahn was a good idea. If this has happened to you and you’ve made the decision to drive that fast on a road–don’t forget that sweet, sweet petrol. If your ass runs out of fuel on the autobahn some crazy German policeman will stop his car, do an interpretive dance to some seriously intense German industrial techno-dubstep death yodeling and write you a seriously pricey ticket. Nobody wants that.
2. Don’t Even Try Blaming it on the Rain — the Government Owns the Rain
At certain points in human history, lawmakers have run out of serious things to intelligently discuss and go wickedly bonkers. Oftentimes the laws that are being argued are so bizarre that you can’t help but wonder about their overall mental health. In certain states it is illegal to collect rain water because that rain belongs to someone else. What stinky peyote-rattled hippy law maker asked the group: “Whoa, like who owns the rain, man?”
And now, Milli Vanilli.
3. An Unexpected Law That Makes Unexpected Sense
The people in the U.K. are on the other side of the pond and it sometimes makes them seem like they are almost from the future. There are vast culture-shaping trends that have come out of that place. The British Invasion, the hit show “The Office” and plenty of other badass things have started over there. Some catch on over here and some don’t. In the U.K. it is illegal for restaurants that serve alcohol NOT to offer free tap water. Those hilarious Bobbys will kick down your door, slap the pizza tray out of your hands and yell indecipherable phrases at you in cockney.
4. Think Again, Greedy Convenience Store Entrepreneurs
We’ve all encountered that moment in time when you are buying cigarettes, beer, or some other mainstream vice at a convenience store. You notice the sign that warns of the mysterious two dollar charge for those using a credit card. You are in a hurry to consume the prior mentioned alcohol/adult fun product and don’t have time to argue with the already noticeably disgruntled clerk. You let them basically mug you, without all that pesky pistol-whippin.’ Well, certain states have manifested the rage from this blatant ripoff into some boss legislation. In 10 different states it’s actually illegal for merchants to charge you simply for using a credit card.
5. Just Another Reason to Never, EVER Go To Malaysia
Malaysia has yet to really capitalize on the wonders of tourism. Malaysia just seems like one of those places where the potential of someone planting heroin on you at the airport, resulting in your life-long incarceration in a Malaysian prison where the only breasts you get to see are that belong to the sumo-murderer in a horrifying dirty shower is fairly likely. Having a stigma like that can do hell on an onset of fat American vacationers. Another thing they should never put in the brochures is that little law they have about blowjobs being illegal and punishable by whipping and 20 years in a prison that would make even the most hardened criminal say “Ew, gross” in a feminine tone. NOT COOL, MALAYSIA! THAT’S A VERY BAD MALAYSIA!
6. Oh Canada, You’re the Coolest
Canadians are such a nice bunch of people that when they come up with laws, it’s typically to continue their total stamping out of the bummer. Unlike The States, in Canada it is illegal for employers to administer random and pre-employment drug screens. That law has done wonders kicking the fear of maybe having too much fun at that Willie Nelson concert… you know the one where you are pretty sure you rode to Mars on a winged steed made of bright green comet-light!
7. The Scourge of Ladies’ Night
Ladies’ nights are a promotion that even the crappiest of establishments have been utilizing since the days of your grandpa’s boner. It’s a simple concept: Ladies get a discount or even get in to the bar for free. If the place isn’t packed full of disgusting weirdos, this promotion can result in a wonderful chick-to-dude ratio. If you happen to be a complete loser whose sex life has become so stagnant that the only joy you get is by cock-blocking, you were probably one of the supporters of a law that actually declares Ladies’ night promotions illegal on the grounds of sexual discrimination. May the wretched scum offspring of those who fought for this legislation be cursed to a thousand generations of virgin micro-penis stricken LARPers without even a shred of charisma.
8. Here Are Some States to Stay The Hell Out Of
YouTube has shown the world videos that have rallied us to a fight, or a cause or a dance move countless times. Revolutions are now born and covered on YouTube. It’s armed even the most solitary of people with a voice that can be heard in every corner of the globe. It can help protect us against corruption, especially in the ever-increasing cases of police brutality. It may surprise you that in the states of Maryland, Illinois and Massachusetts it is illegal to film the police without their permission. It also may surprise you that people also continue to choose to live in those states.
9. YAAAY, Pennsylvania Make Law Go!
Pennsylvania is a vast state with pockets of pure weirdness. They have some of the most stringent alcohol control laws on the books. They also have some laws on the books, that will leave you scratching your head. Refrigeration safety is of the utmost importance to a Pennsylvanian. It is against the law in that state to sleep on top of a refrigerator outside, for any reason. If you absolutely have to sleep on top of your refrigerator within the confines of law in the Pennsylvania territory, you can do it indoors… where it is lawful. Yep, that’s really a law there.
10. We’re Proud of You Vermont, You Tried Your Best
So, right about now you are still wondering what the hell that Pennsylvanian refrigerator sleeping law is all about. It’s okay, that’s understandable. It’s probably an appropriate time for us to apologize for injecting your brain with the useless knowledge of this bizarre law that comes to us from our maple syrup making, cheese-loving friends in Vermont. In Vermont, you better never ever be a goddamn elephant if you are a person. It’s illegal to be an elephant there. Boom! We said we were sorry and yes, you read that right!