How to Get Laid at Work
The old saying goes “don’t dip your pen in the company ink.” First of all, we use computers now, Dad. Secondly, where else do people meet anymore? Americans work hard, and are working harder than ever before. We spend our entire lives punching clocks, shuffling papers and filling spreadsheet rows with nonsense numbers.
Offices are pressure cookers of erotic fury, and the idea that human beings shouldn’t take advantage of lusty, consensual opportunities in a broom closet is as antiquated as mimeograph machines, Dictaphones and health benefits. Be free with your desires, cubicle monkey! Surrender to your passions, data entry drone! Follow these 10 simple rules, and start proactively facilitating synergistic facetime strategies. Nekkid!
10. Keep it All Business
Just because you spend budget meetings exchanging aching, longing stares with Meredith from Sales doesn’t mean you can drop your corporate façade. Embrace the politically-correct vernacular and let the simmering subtext bubble up. Imbue your TPS report request with sexual urgency. Compliment her choice of mugs. Engage in non-controversial water cooler conversation, like “I enjoy the dancing stars on Dancing with the Stars.” Allow for the occasional eyebrow arch and/or amorous nostril flare.
9. Never Use Your Corporate E-mail
As a rule, IT guys are a lonely, vindictive lot with a lot of time on their hands, as “network is down” is just code for “we’re reading your e-mails.” Electronic communication is the greatest thing to happen to office romance, but make sure the slow slog from innocuous queries to steamy declarations of raw want is conducted on secure servers, like Gmail or Facebook.
8. Plan the First Kiss Offsite
They call it “happy hour” because everybody is happy to stop acting like robots. Casually invite her with the usual gaggle of after work drunks. Prove your worth by making the group laugh at your impression of Gladys in Accounting (she puts on so much lip gloss!). But show her you are still all business by talking about brand-positive initiatives. Then walk her to her car and let nature do the rest. Whatever you do, don’t try to smooch her in the office. Doing it offsite reinforces the enduring lie that your newborn office romance isn’t an office romance.
7. Make Out in the Stairwell
One of the perks of an office fling is the fact that your tedious, soul-crushing day can be interrupted by thrilling, adrenaline-inducing trysts. Offices are risky, as locked doors are suspicious. Conference rooms can be opened. Stairwells are perfect because A) one of you can leave before the other and wait on a prearranged landing and B) you can hear people walking up or down. This location is ideal for making out and/or lifting skirts, unzipping pants and doing it against the railing. Feel free to make a mess, but do it quietly.
6. Beware of Inside Jokes
Maintain your corporate poker face at all costs. Everybody will know, but until either of you screws up or leaves obvious clues, it will just be conjecture and unconfirmed gossip. One of the biggest tell-tale signs are offhanded giggles over inside jokes no one else is privy to. Your affair will be uncovered, and therefore a lot less fun, if you are both any less than totally diligent. No snickering at the copy machine because you said “But aardvarks don’t fart!”
5. Don’t Get Drunk at the Office Party
There is no way to get drunk at an office party and make out with a coworker without everybody knowing. It’s like blood in the water: The sharks can smell it from miles away. Practice self control and allow Fat Kenny to nervously pound whiskey sours and slap tongues with Moustache Dorothy on the dance floor. They will provide cover for your fling while you happily finger blast your 9-to-5 lady between the fifth and sixth floors.
4. Don’t Bang the Boss
It’s tempting. They buy drinks. And it’s not so odd when they lock their offices. But once discovered, and eventually all office romances are discovered, it will make you an office pariah. The boss will ignore, nervously fawn, or just generally interact uncomfortably with you. Even worse, you’ll be radioactive to any other potential hookups in the office.
3. Plant Disinformation
You know who is the office gossip, as it’s usually the person with the worst bung breath in your cube forest. That bad breath? It’s the smell a rotting soul makes. Do not avoid this person. Endure their petty chirping, if only so you can cleverly plant gossip in order to throw him or her off your trail of debauchery. Recap the office party. Relive the nervous breakdown Sharon had in the coffee nook. Slyly suggest that a rival is an out-of-control cokehead. Occupy them with entertaining falsehoods, and pray it distracts them from the scandal that is right under their nose.
2. Have a Change of Clothes at the Office
It is of the utmost importance to never come to work the next day in the same clothes you were wearing the day before. This is a cardinal sin, and a dead giveaway that you are doing what everybody else silently dreams of doing. They will resent your happiness and judge you harshly. Keep a fresh button-down shirt and tie in a drawer handy, as well as a toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant. Take a quick whore’s bath in the company bathroom. Don’t bother with fresh boxers—no one will ever know.
1. Never Mention the Breakup
All good things must come to an end. But office flings don’t really end; they are abandoned, banished to the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet of your heart. Once the affair has become untenable due to profound incompatibility, dramatically divergent priorities or her husband, it is essential to never, ever mention it again. But at least it was fun while it lasted. Now back to work! Keep up appearances. Stay businesslike. When you see her by the copy machine, nod, and if you must, remark about what an excellent quarter the company is having. Then start throwing smoky eyes at the new temp with the perky sweater puppies….
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[...] of a competitive bro mob, and they all have the same idea as you. We’ve written about picking up chicks at the office here, but it generally ends badly and far too often, you still have to work with your former [...]
1:04 pm on July 20th, 2010
Hmmmm. Jillian Kaye!
2:23 pm on July 20th, 2010
No wonder our country is going to hell.
2:31 pm on July 20th, 2010
Makes me wish I had a job Obama.
3:09 pm on July 20th, 2010
Awesome. Love every tidbit of this article, but you forgot the fresh wipes..AND…maybe travel size cologne…
Love this website.
4:20 pm on July 20th, 2010
REALLY Disgusted ?!? You’re reading an article about “How to Get Laid at Work” and you comment that our country is going to hell?!!!! Don’t like what you see, go to another website. Our country is going to hell because of all the idiots running it and the close-minded like yourself.
4:26 pm on July 20th, 2010
Clearly written by someone who has never done an honest day’s work. someone who tries to relate with normal people while sitting in the house he inherited from parents who never had to work.
Clearly fantasy written to keep you wishing you at least worked in an office.
I give this story a 3/10
3 points just for going against the grain you rebel you.
4:26 pm on July 20th, 2010
My mark on history.
4:43 pm on July 20th, 2010
Great post/article – but banging the boss is the ultimate goal…nothing oozes sex more than power or those who wield it!
5:23 pm on July 20th, 2010
Well being the boss who manages a fine, very fine, talented pool of female designers who definitely dress to impress, by all means bang the boss
5:28 pm on July 20th, 2010
Hey Disgusted – go watch Fox News.
6:05 pm on July 20th, 2010
And later get sued for “Sexual Harrasment”
Wonderful!
6:30 pm on July 20th, 2010
I found this informative and useful! Many Thanks!
6:46 pm on July 20th, 2010
Happens to me all the time at work. For hopes are up and trousers down with the hostest on the business flight.
6:49 pm on July 20th, 2010
“…as antiquated as … health benefits.” LOL
Great article; very funny stuff.
7:16 pm on July 20th, 2010
This happened to me @ work last year. Lasted over a year.. Lost my girl in the process.. The chick at work was fun and totally not my type. At the end, when me and the office fling were over, everyone knew… and confirmed. I am at a new job now..time to do it again
7:18 pm on July 20th, 2010
been there done that lots of problems after steer clear if you can
7:54 pm on July 20th, 2010
Why did you use that example, “Merideth from Sales?” Do you not watch the office!? Argh :S
9:39 pm on July 20th, 2010
Trust me. IT guys have better things to do than read your email. And frankly…we don’t care that your bangin the girl in sales.
10:39 pm on July 20th, 2010
i concur with u geek.
12:02 am on July 21st, 2010
And how does one «bang» that Boss, TheBoss??
Being a graphic designer helps?
Keep us posted!
)
12:03 am on July 21st, 2010
Yeah, yeah, keep us up2date, TheBoss.
12:13 am on July 21st, 2010
Actually, my rule is: “Never dip your pen in company ink.”
12:26 am on July 21st, 2010
that’s what sucks about being in the military. if ur bangin ur boss, ur probably gay…
2:56 am on July 21st, 2010
Plan the First Kiss Offsite
i tried lunch @ the fish-marked in Brussels
ordering two cokes , she started to blush…
a kiss off site…
annyhow don’t get to funky with the copier!
4:05 am on July 21st, 2010
am bangin my boss right now… yes am in the MILITARY. Dont read my comment like that…
5:18 am on July 21st, 2010
lol, this is so true, especially about the stairwell, been doing that trick for years.
7:40 am on July 21st, 2010
POr DIOS,,,,como te me cojeria a esa hija de puta!, la pongo en cuatro y le rompo todo el ortoooooo, dsp de una chupada de tetas y un buen pete
8:31 am on July 21st, 2010
come on that never happens anymore to many eyes
9:03 am on July 21st, 2010
I had an office affair once. We’ve been married for 15 years now. Hmm…I wonder what went wrong! LOL
10:58 am on July 21st, 2010
Don’t listen to ‘geek’ and ‘nerdz’ – the IT guys really do read your email. I once spent several hours drinking with an IT guy who told me more secrets about my co-workers than I ever wanted to know. Worse than that was a guy I knew, who hooked up with a girl whose boyfriend worked in IT; by way of revenge, the IT guy planted all kinds of porn on his PC and he was almost fired as a result. (At least, that was his story).
1:22 pm on July 21st, 2010
Well I think it as about time I have a web site I can go to at work now. Will still get introuble of course. This article is down right to the point, and I have found it to be for the most part accurate. 2 thumbs up.
8:45 pm on July 21st, 2010
awesome advices haha but i think if u bang the boss eventually U will got some beneficts or maybe the opossite
10:31 pm on July 21st, 2010
Speaking as a man who has gotten laid at most of the jobs I’ve had in the last 25 years, this is good advice.
Hell, I met my girlfriend of 8 years at work. She’s getting a kick out of this site, too.
1:47 am on July 22nd, 2010
I ever had an office affair, but we did it not in the office but in the warehouse. It is so huge, I have the key, this last nearly two years, she got married someone and become housewife.
3:42 am on July 22nd, 2010
Office flings DO NOT WORK….. i should know!
4:26 am on July 22nd, 2010
Well, thats nice.. hahahahah
I did it many times, I even fucked my x boss’s daughter inside my office.. lol
that was the funny thing without talking about a japonaise accountant inside the ladies WC, the sexy cleaner in the Stairwell, and the office lady in our office party and the nurse in our nursery lol..
and once i have a client who came with his sexy horny PA and she left me her number on my desk, So i called her and i fucked her in my place..
a lot of stories in diffirent jobs.. it was nice experience to add in my CV.. lol
but its true guys.. no emails or phone calls, jokes or getting drunk at the office party.. and especialy be carful when u fuck at work lol..
Regards,
valentino
6:28 am on July 22nd, 2010
My favorite comments on this board are the ones that are angry about this piece of writing. You realize that this is a farce-related website, don’t you? That’s the whole point. Relax.
8:19 am on July 22nd, 2010
I believe this is the worst article I ever read. Keep it like this and Bounce Rate will be 99,99%. Thanks.
1:02 pm on July 22nd, 2010
que ASCO JAJAJ
9:02 am on August 3rd, 2010
[...] of a competitive bro mob, and they all have the same idea as you. We’ve written about picking up chicks at the office here, but it generally ends badly and far too often, you still have to work with your former [...]
4:11 am on August 15th, 2010
It is interesting, what if all to put upside down and again to think?
10:39 pm on August 29th, 2010
t
8:25 am on December 11th, 2010
who’s that girl ?
2:58 am on March 15th, 2011
very beautiful girl in the photo)))
11:39 pm on May 23rd, 2012
I waited until I moved to another branch (office) in the same company…and then it was easy! I just got all “helpless” and terribly “lonely” and my former colleague was instantly sucked in! Of course, maybe it’s easier to get laid when you’re the woman (we do have control, don’t we?) and the object of your attention is a rather naive “nice” guy.
It only ended when his wife found out. The company still doesn’t have a clue!
9:20 pm on August 2nd, 2012
del, сорри не туда написал
10:52 pm on May 22nd, 2013
Having read this I thought it was extremely informative.
I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this informative article together.
I once again find myself personally spending a lot of time both reading and leaving
comments. But so what, it was still worthwhile!