10 Ways Not to Suck in Bed

Sex Advice

You’re no slouch in the sack; after all, you’ve had enough one-night stands to be considered a pretty big stud. It’s why you’re lacking in repeat business that seems so mind-boggling. After you’ve slept with your dream girl, how do you keep her interested enough to do it again (and again)? We’re here to warn you about the 10 biggest mistakes most men make, the behaviors that will essentially guarantee she never sleeps with you again. So keep your pre- and post-coital repertoire free of these surefire screw-ups.

10. DON’T REFER TO YOUR PENIS BY ITS NICKNAMEHow To Be Good in Bed

You may have an affectionate moniker for your cock, but that doesn’t mean you should share it with others. Whipping out your dick and saying, “The clock’s striking 12, so it’s time to show you Big Ben!” is not going to win you any points.

9. DON’T USE PORN AS AN INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE

Watching porn while screwing can be hot, but it’s not a good idea to assume that your new lady-friend is down with Star Whores on your first go-around—and it should go without saying that the only “surprise facial” you give her should involve a gift certificate to her favorite spa.

8. DON’T TREAT HER LIKE ONE OF THE GUYS

A surefire way to keep her from making a return trip to your bed is to go into full bro mode immediately after having sex. Just because the deed is done and you got your rocks off, doesn’t mean you should flip on ESPN, tell her to grab you a can of beer from the fridge and commence farting and belching in front of her.

7. DON’T USE TWITTER TO ANNOUNCE YOU JUST GOT LAID

She looks so beautiful sleeping in your bed wrapped in nothing but a sheet. Hey, why not TwitPic that shit! And don’t forget to accompany it with the followup “@hotdate & i just did the nasty omg i have boner rite now HAHA LOL PLZ RT” just to make it clear to your 8,500 followers that you did, indeed, tap that ass. In addition to never having sex with her again, you will have the added bonus of never having sex with anyone again (and maybe even a lawsuit if you’re lucky).

6. DON’T CREEP HER OUT WITH YOUR WEIRD FETISHESHow To Make Love

Perhaps you sleep with a teddy bear with a hole delicately snipped between its legs. Maybe you’re secretly banging an anime character. This is the chance to share all your kinks with another person! (And there are just so many kinks to choose from.) While we are in full support of you exploring your fetishes with a consensual partner, unless you picked your date up at the local dungeon you could really freak her out. Save your anal beads, licorice-flavored lube and videos of Nancy Reagan for another date, after you tell her you’re a perv and she’s cool with it.

5. DON’T UPDATE YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS TO “IN A RELATIONSHIP”

Just because you’ve successfully done the deed does not mean you’re an item (or even exclusive fuck buddies). And while some women might appreciate the 21st century romantic gesture of sending a Facebook relationship request, others might feel crowded by such a public announcement of your amore. Until you have the official “talk” you shouldn’t assume she isn’t also dating other men, so keep things quiet until she’s ready to announce your burgeoning love (lust, whatever) to the world.

4. DON’T HAVE TOO MUCH HAIR IN ALL THE WRONG PLACESSex Tips

You’ve got more pubes than the Amazon has trees, and you haven’t seen the inside of a men’s spa…um…ever. Good news, you’re not a metrosexual! And you can bet good money she’s going to tell her hot girlfriends about how horrified she was running her fingers through your shaggy back fuzz. These days, practicing the art of modern man-scaping is just considered good hygiene—and that abundance of hair on your balls, back, ass, ears or in your nose doesn’t make up for the lack of it on your head.

3. DON’T CRITICIZE HER PERFORMANCE AFTER SEX

You just finished an Olympic love-making session, and before she’s even had a chance to ask you to go for another round, you let out a long sigh and announce to no one in particular, “I give that about a 5.” Strange as it may seem, women don’t like being judged—on their looks or sexual prowess—unless of course she scores a 10 (out of 10). But even then, tread lightly. It’s like telling a woman her butt looks big in those jeans; even when she asks, she doesn’t really want to know the truth.

2. DON’T TREAT HER LIKE A SEX TOYSexual Advice

It’s a known fact that men reach orgasm a lot quicker than women, and there’s no bigger disappointment for a woman than a man who isn’t willing to work hard to get her off. But that doesn’t mean she wants to be pounded, jackhammer-style—it not only makes women feel like sex objects, it’s simply not enjoyable for them. Bottom line: Don’t treat her like a pocket pussy in the sack, if you don’t want her to turn to her pocket rocket the next time she’s horny.

1. DON’T COMPARE HER LOVEMAKING TO OTHER WOMEN YOU’VE BANGED

Even worse than judging a woman’s performance in bed, is comparing her performance to other women you’ve slept with. The mere mention of an ex-girlfriend can turn even the sanest girl into Psycho Chick. One of two things will happen: Either her competitive spirit will drive her to want to outdo an ex-lover by having another crazy fuck session that night, or she’ll never speak to you again. Basically, you have about a 50-50 chance of getting more (and better) sex out of her, or none at all. Is that really a risk you want to take? (There’s a 50-50 chance your answer to this question should be yes.)

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