PIRATES HAVE BEEN THE HARBINGERS OF TERROR ON THE HIGH SEAS FOR CENTURIES. Nothin’ brings joy to a pirates life quite like copious amounts of plundering and of course plenty of pillaging. There are two things that make sailors poop their pants… too much booze and pirates.
Whether it’s the classic one-eyed, peg-legged, crow-sporting classic pirates or the modern day Somalian pirates in their boats of unfortunate quality… as long as there are oceans, there will be pirates lookin’ for booty. This is all stuff you already knew about pirates… But here are 10 hilariously badass things you didn’t know about our favorite treasure-burying friends.
1. SILLY PIRATES, JULIUS CAESAR DOESN’T BULLSHIT
Julius Caesar is one of the most notable leaders in all of mankind’s history. He was at the helm during the height of the Roman Empire. With all of his might, however… he still found his ass captured by some pirates. The pirates thought they had scored big and demanded a hefty ransom for the safe return of the Roman Emperor. During his captivity, Caesar told the pirates that he was definitely gonna have them crucified. The pirates laughed it off. Sure enough, Caesar’s ransom came through. When he got back to Rome he raised a fleet of ships. These ships went out and almost immediately found the pirates… who were then promptly crucified.
2. BEN FRANKLIN’S RESUME INCLUDES ‘PIRATE’
Ben Franklin was history’s original ultimate badass. He loved partying with whores. He was a brilliant inventor and businessman. He played one of the most vital roles in the American Revolution. And to top it all off, the guy was also a pirate. His pirate activities qualified him for hanging, had the revolution failed. Instead, the revolution was a success and Franklin had many long years of drinking, doing drugs, blowing people’s minds and of course bangin’ prostitutes.
3. SO THERE’S A PIRATE STOCK EXCHANGE
Stock market investing plays a pivotal role in the global economy. Entire fortunes have been built and torn down in a matter of hours, courtesy of the stock market. Buy low, sell high is the name of the game. Having foresight on the horizon of industry and technology can make you a major player. Things are a bit different in Somalia. They don’t have the convenience of E-Trade there… so instead they invest in pirate missions. They actually bet on whether pirate hijackings will be successful or fail and invest in different bands of pirates. If only someone could tell them to turn their stock exchange into a sweetass MMORPG. If only.
4. BECAUSE “STAR WARS” WASN’T ENOUGH, PIRATE-SPEAK WAS CREATED BY DISNEY
One of the greatest things we all love about pirates was the awesome way they said weird shit. “Avast ye!” “ARRRRRGH!” “Shiver me timbers!” It turns out that this particular endearing quality we have come to love about pirates… is complete and utter bullshit. Pirates talked like any other sailors of the day. The pirate language we are all familiar with actually came from the 1950s Disney movie Treasure Island.
5. PROTECT YOUR BOOTY WITH PIRATE INSURANCE
There are insurance policies for damn near everything these days. Actresses can ensure their asses. Rich people can insure any of the crazy things that they buy… including their yachts and whatnot. You can insure a yacht for damage from storms or high winds. OH, you can also insure that expensive bastard from the threat of pirate attack. The call center that handles the pirate attack insurance must field the most hilarious phone calls of all time. The company called VessEx goes way above and beyond and will actually send hardcore dudes into war zones and into battle with pirates to get your stuff back!
6. “PIRATES XXX” IS A FAMILY FILM, RIGHT?
Hardcore pornography had always been sorely lacking those little production extras like solid lighting and a good caterer. One man had long had a dream of making an epic blockbuster porno with mind-blowing special effects, intense action sequences and a killer story line.That man’s dream became reality when the green light was given to Pirates XXX. They even had the perfect pirate ship to shoot the movie on. The hitch in the plan was they had to lie to the guy who owned the ship. To allow them to shoot the porno on there… they simply told the owner that he was doing a Disney movie. That guy was probably soooo pissed at Disney when he found all those semen stains.
7. THOMAS EDISON: GENIUS INVENTOR, MOVIE BOOTLEGGER
When Thomas Edison needed to unwind from a long day of inventing the light bulb… he liked to watch a good movin’ picture. One of his favorites was a little ditty entitled “A Trip to the Moon” by Georges Méliès. Edison made hundreds of bootleg copies of the film for his friends to enjoy. The problem was… these unauthorized copies of the film effectively bankrupted Méliès. It really sucks to be reminded of the guy who ruined your life every time you turn on a light bulb.
8. EARN YOUR VERY OWN PIRATE CERTIFICATE FROM M.I.T.
MIT is an educational institution that has developed some of the most prominent thinkers of our lifetime. It’s program is exceptional and the students that walk away from MIT with a degree get top paying jobs in their chosen fields. You can also earn your very own super cool Pirate Certificate. That’s right you earn it through a mix of pistol, archery, sailing and fencing mastery. Nothin’ makes panties drop for nerds quite like the old “I don’t want to brag or anything… but I’m a pirate” line.
9. SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY IT’S MONKS VS PIRATES
Japanese Pirates used to tear it up. They are a seafaring nation, so pirating came natural to them. They were REALLY good at being pirates. Organized military operations couldn’t handle the Japanese Pirates, so–just like in a movie or comic book… they called in the Shaolin Monks to come in and beat a little pirate ass when no one else was up to the challenge.
10. PIRATES USED TO BE SERIOUSLY EXPENSIVE
Back in the day, pirates used to really wreak havoc on a national budget. They were plunderin’ all kinds of trade ships and other boats from the U.S. Government. It was so bad during the 1800s that 20 percent of the nation’s entire annual expenses were for pirate ransoms and tributes. The U.S. also paid 1/6 of the entire country’s budget to pirates for the safe return of 115 prisoners. If this happened today, Fox News would just say that Obama was born a pirate.