10 Famous Monarchs with Badass Names

10. Ragnar the Hairy Breeches

Viking who claimed to be a direct descendant of Odin. Loved attacking churches on holy days. Known for his hairy breeches, which unfortunately provided him no protection against snakebites.

Cursed by his own moniker.

9. Eystein the Fart

Eystein Halfdansson, better known as “the Fart.” Yet another brutal Viking. One can only imagine how he got his name.

Eystein Halfdansson, conquering a Taco Bell?

8. Alfonso the Avenger

Alfonso XI of Castile, whom we are willing to wager was the Captain America of medieval Spain.

“Alfonso’s knights, assemble!”

7. Louis the Universal Spider

Louis XI of France, who was not so much bitten by a radioactive spider as he was crafty. Here’s hoping there will be a Transformer named after him at some point. That, or maybe we’ll get to see JKVD and Drago squash him in the future.

Never before has this film more deserved a sequel.

6. John George the Beer-Jug

John George I, Elector of Saxony. An epic-sized man with an epic-sized name. Judging from his portrait, the man could outdrink a pirate.

Rumor has it that he was promptly reincarnated as Orson Welles.

5. Harald the Hammer of the North

Harald Hardrada, also known as Harald III of Norway. He was also king of Denmark, and we’re guessing either Arnor or Lordaeron from the sounds of him.

We’re imagining a giant dwarf, which by modern standards would be 5 feet tall.

4. Murad the God-like One

The Sultan of the Ottoman Empire from 1361 to 1389. Started countless wars. However, his God-like career was eventually brought to an end through relatively mortal methods: he was assassinated.

Yeah, not as fancy as Xerxes from 300, but at least he has an epic hat.

3. Vlad the Devil

Vlad II Dracul, an early member of the Order of the Dragon. Forced Dracula out of his penis and sported a mustache worthy of a silent movie villain.

As pictured here.

2. William the Bastard

The proud and public bastard of Robert the Magnificent, who oddly was also known as Robert the Devil. Used his Satanic powers to conqueror England, which thanks to modern technology is more fun to watch than ever.

After that, he became known as William the Conqueror.

1. Ivan the Awesome

One of the most feared rulers in history, he is better known today as Ivan the Terrible. However, the truth is that this name is somewhat misleading. The man nearly doubled the size of Russia under his rule was the first leader to be crowned Tsar of All Russia. As such, while he was an asshole on par with Dark Helmet, he was nevertheless terrible in the sense of terrible also meaning awesome.

You know. Sort of like this film.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
A Guide to Overthrowing a Third World Country in Five Easy Steps
5 Epic Movies That Were Almost 10 Times as Awesome 

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